Hell, high water, wind - and lots of kites….

Monday saw me hurtling down the M1 trying to make a meeting in Redhill, Surrey for 12 noon. Traditionally, I’m late for everything – but this meeting is different, this meeting just could mean kerching city for Alfie, his wifey, his kiddykins and his bank balance. So this time I really must not be late.

To make doubly sure of a timely arrival, I did half the journey from the North West on Sunday night, staying at my sister’s - a pleasant house just a couple of miles to the left of Rutland Water.

To make trebly sure of a timely arrival, I tapped in my destination on the sat-nav before turning in. It reckoned a two and a half-hour journey would do it. Sorted. I’ll get up at 7, out by 8, arrive at my destination by 10:30……. 11, tops.

Dream on.

Everything went swimmingly (it was raining hard) until I hit Luton. Suddenly I’m in the biggest, longest, thinnest, most static car park in the entire world. The sexy sat-nav lady informs me there is a traffic jam. I ‘kin know there’s a ‘kin traffic jam, I’m ‘kin in it.

And I was, right up to my neck.

Never mind, I reasoned, I’ve factored in the ‘why does it always happen to me’ gambit – and allowed loads of time for just this eventuality. Well done to me for being so bloody organised. Just then, the traffic reporter on Radio FiveLive informed me there was a big, very big traffic jam on the M1 southbound. Worse still, there was a huge accident on the M1 northbound – and it is completely closed. They’ve also just closed the southbound motorway so that a couple of Air ambulance helicopters can land.

It put everything in perspective. I hoped the victims were OK. With that, I get philosophical - I ring the office in Redhill, tell them I’ll get there when I can and just sat back and relaxed a bit.

Two hours later, I’m sort of still relaxed, definitely still stationary and still being told I’m in a traffic jam by Ms Sat-nav… 45 minutes after that – and we are moving… moving I tell you! Mind you, by now the heavens have opened – had Hurricane Katrina finally hit our shores?

I’m flooring it on a skid-pan. Every truck in the world is in front of me, churning up gallons of water and chucking it at my windscreen at the speed of a water cannon…… And then I hit the M25. Oh God, the M25, the ring of hell in a tsunami of wind and water. Somehow, I manage to negotiate it. Somehow I arrive wet, late, bedraggled - but alive.

After the road to hell came the art of prevarication from the client. The deal of deals never quite got put on the table. We went through the motions then went for lunch, cardboard salmon steak with reheated carbon chips and a side salad of stale grass. They agreed to commit their offer to paper, in black and white, clear as crystal – so the journey wasn’t entirely wasted..

With that, I drove home, but this time I decided to give the M1 a miss. This time I thought I might try the M40 – a road that carves through some of the finest countryside in the south of England. The road was clear, surprising really for rush hour – and a hell of a contrast from the morning. Some thin ribbons of blue sky even managed to make an appearance through a slate grey, battleship grey, grindingly dull, grey sky.

My spirits rose.

Suddenly, just as I was reaching the Oxfordshire border a bloody huge bird of prey, swooped across the motorway, about 20 foot above the car. Even though I’d never seen one before, I recognised it immediately, this bird is just unique. It had a really long forked tail, so it could only be one bird….. just one.

It was a Red Kite…. No doubt about it. The forked tail and the huge wing-span – around 6 foot across were the giveaways. The Red Kite is one of the rarest birds in Britain – there are a few in remote areas of Wales…. And that’s it.

I was so excited, I rang Mrs Alfie…. "I’ve just seen a Red Kite" I stammered…………."Bloody hell, there’s another one, and another"….. Mrs Alfie indulged in a bit of mega scoffing and put the phone down.

Altogether I counted about 15 Red Kites fluttering above a mile long stretch of motorway Fifteen!

When I got home it was like I was the fisherman who let a whopper go, no one believed me. I consulted the bird books…. They all said that the Red Kite was incredibly rare, how their stronghold was in very remote areas of Wales – and how they were very seldom if ever seen. So how could I have seen a whole herd of them – over a motorway in England?

I decided to ring the RSPB to find out. The conversation went something like this.

"Hello, I was driving on the M40 last night, just coming into Oxfordshire and saw"…..

"Red Kites!!!!" he exclaimed.
I was gobsmacked. This guy told me that sometimes there are as many as 50 Red Kites all flying over the motorway in this little hot spot…. Apparently, this area has the largest population of Red Kites in the country. I asked him if the site was a secret – he said it couldn’t be as they spend all their days swooping over the motorway.

So there you go, if you want to see a truly awesomely amazing bird of prey, and one of the rarest animals in Britain, head for the M40.

Bloggers United - v - NuLabour Sleaze....
After drinking fine English ales, my second most enjoyable activity is slagging off the NuLabour project and the arch diva himself, Tony Blair. God how I hate him and his clack of criminal, no-scrupled foot soldiers.

Sleaze and NuLabour go together like peaches and cream - Prescott, Vaz, Hodge, Mandelson, Byers, Jowell, Cherie....... the list is almost endless. And to commemorate their appalling track record, Iain Dale and Guido Fawkes have compiled a hundred of the best examples. They've asked the blogging community to contribute - and the whole thing was written printed and bound within 3 weeks.......

I've contributed with a few pieces - and I must say there is something extremely gratifying about doing a bit of Blair bashing using the written word....

The books are due to hit the bookshops this week, or you could get it from Amazon by clicking the link on the left....

Grumpy old men – with subtitles….
Fancy a laugh? Then be sure to watch the BBC telly programme ‘Grumpy Old Men’….. not the regular series, no, watch it when it’s repeated in the wee small hours – that's the edition with the added sign language facility - performed by a digitally added person translating every word said.

A little lady is pasted into the bottom right hand of the screen and as the grumpies moan about this and that, bemoaning the annoying detritus of everyday life the lady does her best to keep up with the moan overload. The trouble is with grumpy old men is that they tend to do a lot of swearing….an awful lot of swearing……

It’s good to see that the sign language movements for 'Wanker', 'Dickhead' and 'Tosser' are exactly as you would think they would be….. except that this lady was doing the movements with unbelievable gusto. When a grumpy said how some Traffic Warden was such a wanker – this lady’s hand became a blur of repetitive action. A bit startling maybe – but 10 out of 10 for comedy value…..

Stevie Gee, legend…..
I’m a scouser – and a lifelong Liverpool fan. The very first game I ever saw was in the Spring of 1963 when Liverpool played Spurs on a fantastically brilliant bright sunny day. Nine years old, walking through the dark damp bowels of old Anfield footy stadium, I breasted the top of the stairway to be met by a dazzling green square, I was gobsmacked. I’d never seen such a verdant sward. By half time, we were 2-0 down, the boy Greavsie doing his brilliant best. The second half saw us scoring 5 goals to run out winners 5-2. I was so excited I threw up – and since that day, I’ve been hooked.

So I looked forward to Saturday’s Cup Final with relish. I thought we’d murder West Ham. I’d even prepared a posting based on the famous rant by a Norwegian radio commentator upon his team defeating a mullet headed England team……

‘Sir Trevor Brooking, Billy Bragg, Ray Winston, Alf Garnett, we gave your boys a hell of a beating today’…….

But we didn’t. We scored 3 fantastic goals and made presents of 3 others. The difference was Stevie Gerrard - what a player – I wouldn’t swap him for anyone else. If he was playing for Real Madrid or Juventus he’d have been world player of the year by now. Forget Rooney’s metatarsal, Beckham’s ego and Sven’s barmy tactics, the key to victory in Germany is Gerrard – and playing him in his best position. (Taking Defoe would help as well!) The trouble is, does Sven realise it?

Come on England!

Pass me the warm milk…..

OK, pretty devastating news from Alfie’s rock n roll HQ. I don’t look as bad as Keith Richards, I don’t have his money or his bizarre taste in hair ornaments – but maybe I share a couple of his health problems. A routine visit to the Health Centre for a chesty cough complaint provoked an enquiry from the Doc’

"While you’re here, why don’t we check your blood pressure?"

She did. She frowned. She said "Hmmmmm"

Picture one of those cartoons were the liquid rises at the speed of light up the dial, hits the bulb at the top, bulges, shakes and explodes…..

High blood pressure. Bloody high - as high as an elephant’s eye on top of a high blood pressure chart on the wall of the penthouse suite of the Empire State Building, as it happens…..

It’s the end of the rock and roll lifestyle for yours truly. My Doctor told me the man that is the angry old basket case has got to go – so have the rounds of bread with every meal, so has the beer.

I’m on the wagon. Old Alfie has gone – along with the bacon butties…. and the Turkish Delight…. and did I mention the beer?

New healthy, more caring, more feminine Alfie is in the building, having got here by bicycle…….

But tell me, does giving up the rock and roll lifestyle, the beer, the bacon butties, the beer, the Turkish Delight, the beer and a ton of bread make me live longer – or will it just seem longer?

"and this is Barry Hyperbole reporting for News at Ten, Cellardyke, Fife"..

Blimey, how dramatic was Thursday night’s news? Actually, not very dramatic at all really – it was wall to wall waffle. Talk about ‘bigging something up’. All the main media players were there surrounding the tiny harbour of Cellardyke in Scotland, Sky, BBC, ITV, Channels 4 and 5 all coming live from the little harbour wall. Anything that moved had a mike shoved under its bracket…. "What do you think about Bird Flu…. Will you still eat Curried Chicken Crisps?…. Is it the end for KFC in Britain?......

Does anyone remember the Monty Python sketch from 'Alan Whicker Island'?..... you get the idea.

The message from everyone was the same. Don’t Panic!!! It was ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ meets ‘Dr Findlay’s Casebook’ as every ‘Northface' weatherproof-wearing anchor man ringed the tiny harbour to report on Britain’s first ‘Bird Flu’ fatality. A full half an hour was dedicated to the Don’t Panic it's a dead Swan story on the BBC news. Experts were wheeled out – they too wore ‘Northface’ gear – plus the occasional ‘Gore-Tex’ job.

One Prof’ said that we were all perfectly safe as long as we didn’t swap bodily fluids with sparrows or eat too much Trill…. Meanwhile, back to the harbour wall and our special Bird Flu reporter, Johnny Waffleburger….."Yes, Dermot, I have with me Dreary McCaber, a local resident. Ms McCaber, you apparently nearly saw the dead swan in the sea. "Och yes, about 2 years ago, I was only looking in that very same spot the swan was found"…..

"So you didn't actually see the Swan?"

"No, not actually - but apparently it was deathly white - so it must have been ill"....

"Great, really interesting…..Sorry, have to cut you short, back to the studio were Dermot has an expert with him on ‘how not to panic by following some simple breathing exercises ’ with him"…..

(I reckon the only panic in Cellardyke last night was when the news teams tried to find a hotel room)…

I’m back….

For the last few weeks I’ve had a bit of a blogging hiatus. I reckon most bloggers have one at one time or another. It’s a sort of mid life blogging crisis….. Inertia, the culture of the supine and several score of choccy bars conspired to knock me into a blogging-coma. Should I get the lap-top out and bang out a bit of a story - or should I watch Noel Edmonds on ‘Deal or No Deal’?….. I have to say, the irritating beardy with a pile of cash and a fantastic collection of classic cars has been winning out lately.

It was just so easy to embrace the culture of the sloth, the potato on the couch and the Homer Simpson of the idle - a fracture of the will to tap away, waxing on this and that….

I reckon it was the cold weather, the snow, the ice, the wind. It’s been a long winter – and I think it has just got me down a bit. Battleship grey looks better on battleships, not overhead in the sky. That should be coloured ‘sky blue sky’ – especially at this time of the year. Spring has definitely not yet sprung….

So today I decided to do something about it. Today I dug out my trusty dibber, a clutch of seed trays, a big bag of compost and 30 packets of seeds I’d bought in more optimistic times. Time for some action. I trudged through the Somme-like mud in our back garden and prised open the Greenhouse door. Whatever was alive when I put my precious non hardy plants in there last Autumn was now frazzed, every single one of them. Water might have helped. The only living thing in there was a huge queen wasp, hiding in between a couple of plantpots. Respect! I carefully took it outside and put it in a little old disused dog kennel, she could see out the rest of the cold weather in safety. it really was a fantastic animal - I know most people don't like them, but to me they deserve to be here along with everything else, don't they?

Back to the soil stuff..... Thrusting digits into damp, cold seeding compost, feeling the mankyness ooze out, and wondering in amazement at the ability of plants to grow in such cacky stuff seems to have done the trick. Nothing quite wakes you up as when you are trying to plant 15 million seeds each the size of a gnat’s gnob into jet black compost.

(That annoying toe rag, Noel Edmunds is now consigned to the 'off' switch)…

Have – haven’t. Number 1…..
an occasional series

Stuff I’ve never eaten….

1).Veal – too cruel. A ritual too far for a supposed delicacy.

2).Lobster – much too cruel. Left alone, they live for 80 years plus.

3).Frog’s legs – Bizarre choice of food – I mean, why not ‘frog’s eyebrows’?

4).My own bogeys – the mere thought of it bring me out in cold sweat. I just could never understand why kids at school did that.

5).Dog – oh no! It would be like eating a member of the family.

6).Bullocks testicles – don’t even go there.

7).Ostrich – You’d need a bloody massive cooker to get it in.

8).Pig’s trotters – pass me the sick bag.

9).Whale – I have enough blubber of my own.

10).My hat – fortunately, I can bluff stuff out a lot.


Stuff I have eaten – (but wish I hadn’t)…..

1).Rissole and Bluebottle surprise – my once favourite dish, until I saw half eaten blue bottle on a half eaten rissole on my dinner plate. The other half of it was already in my stomach.

2).Daffodil flowers – a drunken bet, I ate them, then someone told me they were poisonous. What fun we had outside the pub trying to get me to throw up.

3).Humble pie – all too frequently on my menu I’m afraid.

4).Human hair – no comment.

5).A caterpillar and cabbage sandwich mistake – so there I am, shoving a bit forkful of organic Savoy into my mouth…. "Hmmm, this cabbage is really juicy"…..

6).Big Mac (with fries, shake and sick bag) congealiality in a polystyrene box.

7).2 extra large Mars bar Easter eggs (consecutively) – you know that scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’ where Paul Newman eats 50 hard boiled eggs…..

8).Oysters – sliding, sliding, always sliding down. A passable impression of semi-solid Vaseline…

9).A wasp – playing in a footy match, swearing at the ref’ a vespa flew straight into my mouth. I felt it buzzing inside – and frightened the stripey chap would sting me at the back of my throat, I started to chomp. It was either him or me – and a squirt of wasp juice in my mouth confirmed it was him.

10).Tripe – like chewing a bag of 50 year-old rubber bands.

Jonathan had a go at my last post, which is fair enough. – I meant to reply right away, but pressure of work has delayed me a bit… anyway, reply below.

Hi Jonathan

OK – I’ll nail my colours to the mast. The piece is blurred re’ exactly which countries are being excluded. For example, Herceptin. In Scotland and now Wales this ‘very expensive and dangerous drug’ is available as of right to their respective populations. In England, if you want it - find a lawyer. Even when the patient’s own Specialist recommends Herceptin – the instruction is to take the prescription to the High Court rather than to the local chemist. It is a fact that England’s PCTs have been using the approval time as an excuse to delay roll out – and hence save money. In Scotland and Wales this is not a problem. Why? Could be something to do with the extra cash they get from Gordon Brown. I really cannot accept an argument that brands desperate English women as being hysterical and media-manipulated by the Daily Mail et al, whilst north of Carlisle and west of Chester, the drug is an accepted part of their National Dispensary, right next to the Asprin – and that is surely not right, is it?.

The guy on the TV the other night has so far spent 10 grand on ‘temozolomide’ – (it is currently keeping him alive). His Specialist told him about the drug as being specifically relevant to his type of cancer. Unfortunately, his PCT didn’t agree. When you’re in the last chance saloon do you really want some pen pusher from your local PCT, wringing hands and explaining that the drug is not available because of this, that or the other, not proven, too expensive, etc, etc…

To broaden the argument – Wales will get free prescriptions for everyone, every single one of them by 2007. In Scotland there are free eye tests for everyone and already in that country 92% of prescriptions are completely free. Bowel cancer screening in Scotland starts at a much earlier age – in England, screening starts a good 10 years later. It’s the tip of a health service iceberg – or in the case of England – a health ‘non-service’ iceberg…..

I sound bitter - and I am. During my Dad's last days a year ago, we bought stuff off the internet, from Canada - stuff that his Specialist reckoned could help him - but his local PCT couldn't and wouldn't supply. They also refused surgery, basically because they reckoned he was too old and 'inconvenient'

In the greater scheme of things, this stuff may have prolonged his life by a smidge or two - but who gave a damn, who cared? Certainly not his PCT. My Dad was 85, he was old, knackered, a busted flush.... He'd worked from the age of 14 straight through to 75 years of age, solid - and paid his taxes every single week of that time. He was never off ill - ever. During the war, he shovelled coal in the bowels of Royal Navy vessels knowing that if the ship got hit, he was a dead man...... So he fulfilled his part of the deal - and when he needed help, they let him down.

Still, if it saves a few quid - and he died a few weeks earlier than he was due - so what?

Nice being nasty again….

So it goes….. Another day, another cancer-suffering English patient having to stick his hand in his pocket to pay for his own treatment…..

Those paper shuffling morons at the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) are at it again. It’s not the breast cancer drug, Herceptin being refused this time - Now it’s ‘Temozolomide’ – a drug that treats aggressive, fast growing brain tumours. The drug was invented and developed in this country. Other countries throughout the world are using it routinely – so why not here?

No need to ask really…… money. The guy paying for his own treatment is up to 10 grand and counting.

NICE are really rubbish – it’s nothing to do with clinical excellence. The painfully slow assessment process is nothing short of prevarication and bluster. They use the excuse of non-approval as delaying tactic to avoid spending cash. And when a drug is finally given the green light – we pay on average 20% more than other western countries for the stuff.

Pretty crap really, especially as the annual budget for the NHS is a bloody unbelievable 94 billion quid……

One thing’s for certain, ‘NICE’ are not independent, nor are they ‘nice’ – they merely dance to the Government’s tune. They should be rebranded – to the National Authority for Fund Fannying (NAFF).

Reprise…..

On ‘those’ cartoons…..
OK, I admit it, now and again I do watch Richard and Judy on Channel 4. They’re totally crap, obviously – but sometimes they have some great summarisers on to discuss a topic of the day. Nick Ferrari was on last week talking about the Danish cartoons and the ‘spontaneous’ Islamic backlash. He waxed lyrical about Christianity and Islam – and where he thought to two religions stood at the moment.

He compared them thus,
"Christianity is a bit like an old worn-out jumper, a bit old fashioned, a bit tired - it’s sort of still in the 1950’s….
Islam, however is still in the 12th century"……

You have to admit he may have a point.

On James Blunt winning some Brit music awards
How? Why? Who voted? Are they mad and are they deaf? Yes!


On the coverage of the smoking ban vote…..
I’ve been getting really irritated lately at the way the media report news. Dumbed down and inaccurate, the BBC 6 o’clock news has become nothing more than a comic…. Natasha Kaplinski is no time-served journalist. The chronic standard of script origination and undying allegiance to the great p.c. mantra has left a once noble profession little more than a celeb stepping stone to the supermarket opening circuit…. Kerrrching.

For instance, the smoking ban vote – "The Commons votes to stop Britain smoking in pubs and clubs"….

BBC Breakfast was worse. They proclaimed that as a result of the vote, "Britain had given up smoking" The follow up reportage was completely non geographical – apart from repeating that the vote was about Britain and not England and smoking. Even The Times, anxious to pander to their owner – who is also Tony’s bestest, most powerful media friend in the world ever, stated ‘Britain gives up smoking’

For the record, the smoking ban in public places as voted on at Westminster applies to England only.

Conspiracy theories?……
Nah, just a jobsworth doing my head in again.

I’ve not had a very good week at all. It’s been bleeding rubbish actually. Blogging’s the last thing on my mind as I’ve been trying to clear my name against an establishment, big brother juggernaut.

Yes, it’s been Alfie versus the world…. There could only be one winner.

We are trying, trying so bloody hard to start a new business venture. The company is registered, the site is up – we just need a business banking account. Well, that was in November of last year and we are still bloody waiting. One of the biggest problems is trying to prove who we are – and apparently ID theft is the new crime of choice. There are 5 of us – all equal shareholders, you would not believe how hard it is to prove who we are. A Utility bill won’t do it – neither will a testimonial from a JP - and if you do not have a passport or a driving licence, you’re basically goosed. For in the eyes of the State, you have no identity.

The problems with our submission were many, outdated passports, lost driving licences – it just went on and on. Last Friday week, I received a ‘phone call from Bizz-Bank HQ.

"What’s the problem then?"

"Well you are actually"

According to the jobsworth at the end of the line, I, me, myself had nearly 20 grands worth of CCJs against my name.

I was apoplectic, struck down dumb by the bint on the other end of the line insisting I was a cheat, a vagabond, a n’er do well……

Had my I.D. been stolen? Was a Rumanian gang making inroads into the Alfie fortune? Had I been cloned? Worse of all, was I now in favour of I.D. cards?

I signed up to experian the credit control experts of choice for the well and truly see-see-jayed, to get a copy of my credit report. I applied online and after a horrible weekend of sleepless nights and turbo angst. My keycode arrived under secure post on Tuesday morning. I logged on, tapped my keycode in and there it was in all its glory. My credit report – take it from me, the detail is scary, minute and forensic. There is absolutely everything on it…..

15:3:03 – Alfie swears at cashier as he pays in his pie bill….. (late).

I rang the good folk at Experian to take me through it – where was the CCJ file? It didn’t exist – I was clean, my file was clean. I was happy as the strain lifted…. The jobsworth at the bank was dead.

I rang them – at Bizz-Bank Corps, Mrs Jobsworth answered. They were never wrong, they never made mistakes, they never apologised because they’re never wrong. I sent them a fax of my report.

They apologised. I threatened to sue. One of their oppo’s had made a mistake, he wasn’t in at the moment, but would be reprimanded upon his return. His line manager was as mad as hell……….

I.D. cards might be a good thing, if only the ‘cock-up’ factor could be eliminated….. And that never can be, can it? Whatever is done, Mr and Mrs Jobsworth will be there, at the double, ready to cock it all up….

Bring a brick....

Always ready to help in a crisis, 'Alfie the helpy sort of guy' has decided to step up to the plate and offer his not inconsiderable back garden to the nation….. (For a Saturday afternoon at least).

Apparently, the Chief Executive of ace footy stadium building company, ‘Multiplex’ (motto – ‘Honestly, it’ll be ready by 3:00pm on Saturday afternoon, almost definitely, possibly, maybe’) is making noises that the new Wembley Stadium might not be ready for this year’s FA Cup Final after all. Rumour has it he’s asking the footy loving public to get over to the ground double-quick and make sure they bring a brick each with them….. a sort of ‘bring a bottle party’ – but without the bottle…..


Clouds are gathering at Wembley
– however contractors are confident they’ll
be finished in time for the 2012 Olympics

Oh bugger. That’s a bit of a problem then. The FA are not happy, not happy at all. There they are, TV contracts signed, two footy teams waiting to go head to head – and nowhere to play the game…. Looks like another sojourn to the Millennium Stadium, Cardiff then. Not necessarily….

Thankfully, and in respect to our national game, this Englishman is willing to go the extra mile in order to make sure the English FA Cup Final takes place – in England. I’m willing to open the rolling acres of Alfie Towers and let the silky skills of the Premiership’s finest perform body swerves galore.

Here at ‘Okaybley’, I’ve got all the essential footy stadium accoutrements to make sure 90 minutes of sinew-busting mayhem pass off with all the bravura that a classic English occasion deserves….. (Just as long as they go easy around the greenhouse, which will now be known as ‘Punditry Corner’). I’ve got grass, mostly green, mostly tufty (except the muddy area by the pond). Super comfy couches for the toffs (and standing room only on the garden furniture for the chavs). Queen Betty and the rest of the Royal entourage will have to make do sitting on the kids’ garden trampoline. There, suspended at a dizzy height of 36 inches, they’ll have a truly spectacular panoramic view of the whole garden complex.

So that’s it then, there’s the offer. Just one thing though, there’s the goal post problem and I’m one jumper down, anyone want to play skins?

Seduced…..

I fell for it last Friday, I really, really fell for it big time. The big-breasted rollover lady with the 85 million double-D bazoomas wiggled her jackpots at me – and I swooned.

I didn’t stop swooning until I got to the Euromillions Lottery counter. I bought two tickets at £1.50p each, the winning ticket and a back up just to make sure. While I was there, and seeing I was a bit of a Euromill’ virgin, I picked up a helpful little leaflet explaining exactly how to carry off the enormous 85 million pound cheque without giving yourself a triple hernia with double rupture accoutrement.

I mean, what could I do with all that money? 85 million quid is a King’s ransom with attitude and no mistake. I could buy a forest, a county…. a country even! - who knows? I could save a species, instigate some third world initiatives, help the Amazon Indians against the illegal logging companies and finance a court case through the U.S courts in which all the treaties signed by General Custer and company not to invade native Indian land are actually honoured. Who knows, maybe they might even say the 27 dollars worth of beads given to the native Indians in exchange for Manhattan might just be adjudged to be have been a bit of a rip off……

Anyway, first thing’s first, I’ve got to actually win the jackpot first before I can swamp the world with ‘AlfieCorp’ good works. (Motto, ‘Indignation is bloody useless unless it’s righteous indignation’) As I walked away from the counter with the sure fire winner in my grasping little graspy hand, I scanned the back of the Euromillions leaflet. Hmmmm, the odds of winning are a bit streaky – apparently winning the jackpot is around about 75,000,000 to 1……

‘Kin hell, Seventy five bleeding million to bleeding one……. Geez, how disappointing…….

Anyway, needless to say, I didn’t win, not even a single crummy Euro. But never mind, this week, the rollover has gone up to over 100 million – it’s huge, it’s massive, it’s fantasy ………

Let’s face it, I’ve got more chance of being discovered as the true heir to the throne and proclaimed as Alfred the OK(ing) the first.

Doomsday….

According to a very sad scientist, today is the most depressing day of the year. He’s taken into consideration the post Christmas blues, the credit card bills gently flopping on every doormat in the country right about now and the really, really grindingly crap weather…

Added to that, Tony Blair is still in power, my dentist is about to go private, Celebrity Big Brother is still on the telly…… II mean, how could it get any worse?

Easy. The Inland Revenue have sent me a letter, cunningly timed to arrive on my doorstep today, on the morning of the most depressing day of the year. It did. It’s from a Mr T. Watt – and he wants to do an in-depth review of last year’s tax return. They want to look in great detail at the things I’ve claimed for, sifting, sifting, sifting…… It’s so thorough, I think in accountancy circles, it’s called a ‘KY audit’ – they look everywhere, especially in places where the Sun never shines.

Let’s hope they don’t find ‘piles’ - (of cash, obviously).

Raiding the family archives...
I have mostly been looking at an old photo this weekend. A very, very long, very rolled up old photo. It’s one of those school photos taken on one of those special school picture-taking cameras. It’s 8 inches deep by about 20 miles long……

I’m trying to find a couple of people on this school photo – and I know they are there. But it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack or do a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. If I do find them then this tatty, 50 year old photograph will be worth quite a bit.

It’s really interesting to look at this picture. Everyone is white. There seems to be a lot of kids there that look like ‘Plug’ out of the Beano. Designer spex are an alien concept – it appears there were two sorts of glasses worn in 1955, National Health jobs or milk bottle bottoms….

There are 3 types of kids on the pic’. 1) Swots and creeps. 2) Honest Johns. 3) Wide-boy embryonic teddy boys. There are some great coiffured hairstyles, piled up using Brylcreem, the styling lard of the day. Dee-Ayz, quiffs and dodgy geezer styles abound…..

It’s a really fascinating social document. But I’m more interested in realising cash at the moment… And these two people, I just cannot find them amongst the myriad of greasy, spotty, testosterone laden yoofs of post war England.

So, who am I looking for on the photo?

Good question, glad you asked it.

The photograph was taken in 1955, in the grounds of the then premier grammar school in Liverpool. ‘The Institute’. The photo was given to me by my Dad many years ago. His brother went there and was in the same class as Paul McCartney. Well I’ve found my Uncle in his teddy boy regalia, but as for the legendary Beatle? I’m really struggling. I know he’s there, along with his younger band member, George Harrison, my Uncle pointed them out when we were looking at the photo many years ago. Unfortunately, at the time I was into Cream, Canned Heat, Zepp (still am) and American Blues – so I showed little interest…..

Funny what the promise of cold hard cash will do…..

Welcome to Thrush TV….
(it’s bloody irritating)

Over the Christmas holiday, was it my imagination or were there more than enough irritations on the box than usual?

It was relentless, aside from the crap standard of the programmes dumb-down TV offered us as a supposedly quality Christmas schedule, it was the adverts, the same rubbishy adverts, repeated over and over again that really did send me into such a seasonal gloom….. Sofas, hampers, more sofas, crap music compilations, still more sofas….. and M&S…

Oh yes, M&S, was in a whole different league of irritability.

"This is not a quality advert.
It is the most irritating, condescending, load of pretentious old rubbish from a has-been-saggy shop, right down on its uppers.

This is an M&S advert, so desperate to sell you stuff that we’ll throw in some exotic words, sexy close up photography and a really annoyingly, whispering Dervla Kirwen voice-over – which surely proves that everyone has their price"…

And, as if that wasn’t enough, some tosser in the ad’ agency ‘Blag, Wag and Nobrail’ thought it would be a really great idea to shove on one of my favourite schoolboy anthems –‘Albatross’ by Fleetwood Mac as the backing track.

"This is not good, it’s a bloody disgrace"….

And then, there was the most hyped music album of the season. Every other advert seemed to be flogging an album by a man who is apparently the most fantastic singer-songwriter to come out of the British Army since Lord Baden-Powell. Apparently, B.P. wrote such classics as the rap version of ‘Dib-Dib-Dob ya Bitch’ - the traditional old favourite, ‘Ging Gang your Gooolies" and the rather risque, 'Can I wiggle your woggle, Skip?'.

Oh yes. Laydees and Gentlemen, James Blunt has left the Armoured Personnel Carrier and entered the album charts. Bloody hell, they’re flogging him like he’s the new Bob Dylan or something… The trouble with that song, that bloody awful whining song, is that once it gets into your head, it’s there for the entire duration. That tragi-falsetto-castrato, warbling away between your ears, scratching away at your brain cells, killing you softly with his screeching…

"You’re beautifulllllllllllll,
You’re beautifullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,
It’s terrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue’….

No doubt about it – it’s as painful as nails down the blackboard or an industrial accident involving a lump hammer, a very sharp chisel and an unprotected pair of testicles….

And yes, it’s right there innit, in your brain - and you can’t get rid of it, over and over again …….
It’s terrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue’….

(Just be glad I haven’t gone on about the SCS sofa sale adverts hosted by ex Spandau Ballet quiff boy, Martin Kemp)…

Snap happy……

Alfie has been out and about with his digital camera over the weekend and discovered two things,

1) I know what Johnny’s slimmer and not-as-funny brother does in the pubs and clubs around St Helens on a Saturday night…..


2) I know that the people responsible for doing the signage for megacorp retailer, Tesco should have lessons in written English – or maybe they could buy a copy of ‘Eats Shoots and Leaves’ by Lynn Truss and learn exactly when you should use apostrophe or two - and when you should not!

The Christmas ‘flop’…..

At Christmas, we mostly didn’t get Pictionary, Risk, Twister or Monopoly out from the top of the wardrobe. Nor did we indulge in an energetic afternoon of Charades…… "It’s a film, a play, a book and a tee shirt?"….

Our old favourite, Trivial Pursuits - so well used in times past, (we know all the Q&As’ off by heart) was also parked for the duration along with all the cute little cheeses...... No, for this Christmas we decided we should indulge in a little bit of street cred’ gamesplay. And this could only mean one game would fit the bill - Texas Hold’em poker was our pastime of choice for the festive season. We’ve been following the intricacies of the game on satellite TV. Six players and a dealer, huddled round a green baize table, hands like shovels clacking their chips, clack, clack, clack. The little nuances, the bluffing, the stone facing, the big sovereign ringings, the chunky necklaced blingings, the black as black dark glasses, made by 'Mr Inscrutable' of Milan…...

The men look like they’ve lived their whole life standing on their faces. Every bum deal, every all-night drinking session, every 10-grand blow-out etched on furrowed brows, gaunt expressions and aged puffed out cheeks. They all smoke, it helps with the persona. And, of course, they all have ‘Mississippi Riverboat’ type handles (even though they come from Watford, Bingley and Bootle) ….. ‘Fancy Dan’ Smith, Jimmy ‘Cool Dude’ Prentice, ‘Diamond-Deuce’ Dobson, et al….. They all drink Jay Dee obviously. Sucking it through gaps in their gappy-toothed teeth, some white, some brown, some gold, wincing as the Kentucky sour mash hits their nicotine-stained, lily-livered taste buds.

Even the phraseology of playing is sexy. ’The Flop’, ‘Check’, ‘The River Card’, ‘Ace high’……. With a bit of imagination, I’m there, on a Mississippi Riverboat, playing James Garner, the original Maverick - and I'm about to take him to the cleaners with a well disguised Royal Flush……..

We’ve just got to get a set for Christmas, we could play it straight after the Queen's speech at 3:15pm on Christmas Day.

The set is bought from the New Orleans branch of Woolworths. (sort of).

We’ve got the full poker-playing monty – cards, 3 packs. Chips, bloody loads of them – and they really do make a lovely ‘clacking’ sound. Dispenser, shuffler, rulebook. Just to make doubly sure we have enough chips to play a proper game, we invest in a couple of extra packets. We walk slowly, carefully out of the big Dubbya. We're on the look out for muggers and river boat con artists…. After all, for the princely sum of 20 quid, we’ve just bought almost 100 grand worth of chips…..

Christmas came and went. I put the dark sunglasses on – bought from Mr Inscrutable in Milan, but that just made me want to go to sleep. Somehow, we never quite managed to play. We never quite managed to clack those chips, look as if we'd spent our entire lives standing on our faces or gunned down a riverboat rival with a cunningly concealed Deringer pistol..... Never mind, there’s always next year. Meanwhile, we’ve stored the poker set safely, on top of the wardrobe, in the spare bedroom, next to Twister, Risk and Monopoly…….

All the best for the New Year.

Spook central at our local Spar…..

It's strange, but no matter from what angle you look, Degsy's eyes will always follow you around the room......

It was a day, just another ordinary day.
And it was still daylight.
I was feeling pretty OK, sort of, as I parked the car outside the local Spar supermarket. The sky was icy blue and the chill wind made it feel like everyone in the whole world was sucking on a moon-sized peppermint every time we breathed in. I made my way towards the entrance of the shop – it was 2:00pm on a late November afternoon…..

As I approached the threshold, my bright and optimistic candour suddenly evaporated. For no reason at all, I’m feeling as sad as a Leonard Cohen fan with depression and a bit of a headache, what the hell is the matter with me?

A black cat ran across my path. Hmmmm, that could be an omen, I suppose - or it could just be a cat. Suddenly, above my head, a large crow perched on the big plastic letter ‘Pee’ of ‘SPAR’ started squawking at me. His bright yellow evil eye held me in a rabid rabbit, car-in-headlights trance. It fluffed up its bible-black, bible-blackest feathers in an attempt to keep out the cold north wind…. It looked like a little angel of death, waiting for his next victim. I’m no expert, but maybe, just maybe it could be a bit of a portend. A portend of doom?

I thought, long and hard – should I go into this SPAR? Should I risk it - go in, when all the omens are warning me off? It’s just a shop for God’s sake. I mean, I know the service is a bit crusty and they don’t have 97 varieties of coffee brands on sale, but if I’m lucky, I might justbe able to bag the last prawn mayo butty of the day.

I ponder. It’s a battle. A battle of wills between my head and my stomach. Which bit will win? On the one hand there's my primordial instincts - they have enabled the human race to survive and flourish over millions of years by warning of hidden danger through a mysterious 6th sense. On the other hand are the hunger pangs in my stomach. It’s gut-instincts verses gut-guts……

No contest, ‘guts’ wins this, and has done every time.

I breeze in and lunge, the last prawn and mayo on brown is mine all mine. And what a bonus! The corners have hardly bent upward yet – and the bright pink chemical that is supposed to resemble prawn juice hasn’t fully sogged through the sad slices of bread. The excitement of the chase had dulled my survival senses, it was only after the prize was mine that I was aware that I was not alone. I’d just manage to beat a bloke dripping gold, fake sun-tans and the last 1977 consignment of Brut 33. He cracked on that he wasn’t bothered about missing out on the prawn….. he chose something from the losers counter……

The stranger with the several layers of sun tan, the gold stuff and the Brut vapour trail strolled away towards the bottled water display. Hang on a mo’ – this stranger somehow looks familiar. Yes indeed, none other than spirit medium and seer – of all things dead, Mr Residual energy himself, Derek Acorah.

The star of Living TV’s ‘Most Haunted’ was here (presumably in the flesh), in my local Spar shop, one prawn sandwich down and looking to purchase a bottle of water. Now, if you believe the publicity, Acorah is supposed to be unable to walk down the road without tripping over millions of lost spirits – he’s supposed to be able to pick up on ‘them that have gone over’ like other people pick their nose.

I stared hard at his back. He continued to study the not very extensive bottled water range. What was he doing? Was he performing an exorcism on a 2-litre bottle of Malvern Spring? Was he checking his flies – who knows. Suddenly, in a move reminiscent of Antonio Banderas in the latest Zorro film, Acorah spun round and caught me looking straight at him.
It was a fair cop. I was caught, bang to rights, clocking a Zed-list celebrity. His 6th sense was obviously honed to ‘turbo mode’……. Well, it would be wouldn’t it – what with all those ghosts and orbs and stuff. Maybe ‘Sam’ his native north American scout spirit guide tipped him the wink from the fire water aisle?

Just then, Acorah moved. With the speed of a poltergeist on a mission of mischief, he got to the only check-out in the shop before me. He opened his wallet – wall to wall Gold cards and notes……. No doubt about it, there really is money in crap television. Acorah seemed to sense the bad karma emanating from me to him. He looked ruffled, hot and bothered. The ‘great smell of Brut’ was working overtime.

He paid and walked out of the shop. I looked straight at the shop assistant behind the check-out. Lights on, no one at home. She gave the impression she had just joined the living dead. I wanted to say to her, "That la-de-dah Derek Acorah, who the bloody hell does he think he is. Coming in here as bold as you like and buying some water – and almost getting the last prawn mayo on brown"…..

As I said, I wanted to – but some 6th sense inside me was screaming "Don’t say a word, master!"…. Was it my very own spirit guide? Was he an Indian, or maybe a Traffic Cop…. who knows? Who knows which character of the Village People he was trying to materialise to me as – all I know, it certainly worked, because just then Degsy swooped back from behind me, and he would have surely caught me slagging him off.…… "Sorry luv, forgot me water"

A likely story, Derek. I offered a private thankyou to Nobby Navajo, my new pal spirit guide. "Cheers Nobby, mate"

Nobby Navajo, Alfie's spirit guide.