Thursday, May 13, 2004

Anyone got any cranberry sauce?…..

Here’s one for the twitchers….. looking out of our work window today we mostly espied the regulation fauna populating this part of ‘small garden’ suburbia in Lancashire…

It’s the ‘same as usual’ stuff - a grey squirrel, maggie-pies, blue tits, a song thrush, spadgers, jackie-daws ……and a bloody monster Peacock.

The Liberace of the bird world with his multicoloured zoot suit and train has just flounced into our garden – we haven’t a clue where he’s come from, but here he is in all his azure splendour…. Bizarre or what?

Do you cook them the same as turkeys?
Not that I would ....... obviously.

It was just a thought.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Pensions, a cautionary tale……

Today, courtesy of good old Royal Mail, I got the last of my forecasts from my 3 incredibly vibrant and profitable pensions. I know they are superb investments because the suits that sold me them said so – and I believed them.

‘Three pensions’ I hear you ask in incredulous unison.
‘Three pensions’ what’s that all about then?
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde – To have one pension is prudent, to have two is smarmy-arsey, but to have three is downright greedy! Actually, two of the pensions have been parked – the results of a Company crash & burn and a personal liquidity problem. Still – with the amount of cash already put into them and the wise, wise investment ability of the pension fund managers, clover fields and my smug retirement smirk seemed assured.

Oh yes, when the big ‘R’ rides into view, I’ll be thinking of you from my private island in the Windies. I’ll be lighting the finest Cuban cigars with £10 notes, sipping a ‘96 Dom Perignon and balancing a dusky babe on each knee…… Well, that’s what the honest John salesman said anyway – and I believed them.

For a lifetime of private contributions my 3 pension funds will afford me the grand sum of …..

Pension A (parked) - £385
Pension B (parked) - £815
Pension C (actively contributing) - £1,145

Sounds pretty impressive eh? – That is until you see the two little letters that follow each figure …. P and A.

The princely sum of just over 2 grand per-kin-annum is what Alfie the skint bastard will be existing on when he gets crinkly. Christ! By then, a bag of crisps will cost 50 quid…..

Let Alfie the far seeing seer give all you young turks a bit of advice. The next time a pension ‘suit’ collars you and paints a future that is cold, lonely and cash strapped, unless you buy into his pension plans – just knee him in the balls and spend your money on partying.

If I had my time again, my 10 point life-plan would go as follows –
1) Leave Uni’
2) Get drunk.
3) Get job in marketing.
4) Run things up flag-poles.
5) Think outside box, push envelope.
6) Knee pensions salesman in balls – hard.
7) Win lottery.
8) Get drunk.
9) Practice my two fingered salute.
10) Retire.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004


My comment is - 'if it aint bust, don't fix it.' Apologies for the truly naff comments facility, courtesy of blogger - but I'm having real problems getting haloscan comments box on.

I will hopefully have it sorted by tonight.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Oh God, George is an ex tortoise…..

Ace Blue Peter anchor reptile, ‘George the Tortoise’ is dead. It looks like the lettuce addiction has finally taken its toll as ‘Gee-luvee’ (as he is known to the rest of the cast) failed to make rehearsals this morning.

Time of death has been put at somewhere between last night and last year. Frantic efforts were being made this morning to find a replacement, but for tonight’s show ‘Hans’ - a WW2 German helmet will be drafted in. "I am zo exzited, this ist mein big shance to break into und big time"….

The ‘How to make’ feature has been changed. This evening, Blue Peter will show you how to make a quality brush and comb set. All you need is some sticky backed plastic, a Sqeezy bottle and some tortoise shell……

Eamonn Holmes – utter plonker….

Eamonn Holmes – GMTV anchorman, National Lottery front man and newspaper feature writer (God, doesn’t he ever sleep?) produced a real pearl of wisdom on Sunday. His ‘People’ newspaper article focused on misunderstood uber prat, Leslie Grantham. Eamonn seemed to say that good old Les had just made a bit of an error of judgement.

I quote from Eamonn’s celeb grovelling piece – "His private pursuits may be distasteful, but I don't think he's a bad man. His wife obviously doesn't think he's a bad man and neither do many of the folk who've worked, met and socialised with him".......

Good old Les, a bit of a rogue, a bit of a Jack the Lad, a little bit Wrrrrrrr, coz he's a geezer, but basically, as Eamonn says 'a good man'........

Apart from the fact, he's a cold blooded killer, who shot a taxi driver in the back of the head rather than pay the fare - nice. But that's all right isn't it - because good old Les is a bit misunderstood and probably didn't mean to kill him, just maim him possibly - as any 'geezer' would do.

Yeah, right.