Friday, August 27, 2004

Now this made me laugh.....

Q.How many Labour MPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A.None. But it takes 15 of them to produce a Report - 'Coping with Darkness'...

(Courtesy of the Peterborough Column in the Daily Mail).

The Scream......

Oh my God,
'The Scream' by Edvard Munch
Is still missing.
It's crap.....
I mean, what's the matter with the guy on the bridge?
He needs to lighten up a bit - it can't be that bad, surely?
Unless of course....
His ears have dropped off?

Or maybe,
The picture was originally called,
'A stroll along the bridge'
Maybe Edvard Munch couldn't draw 'ears'?
Maybe, 'A stroll along the bridge' became
'A stroll along the bridge with two crumpets stapled to the side of my head'
Maybe Edvard Munch thought, "Bugger - I can just about draw 'hands covering ears"
Maybe it was originally called 'Ear-ache' - who knows?

I don't know about you though,
I wouldn't give it house room.
I reckon the geezer what nicked it,
Was either an utter nutter,
Or spotted a bit of card in the Gallery that exactly matched,
The hole in his smashed window back home.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

God gets hands dirty…….

‘God’ got up close and tactile with a block of wet cement on Monday this week as he left his dab prints to harden for prosperity and the wonderment of all.

‘God’ – under his nom de plume of Jimmy Page, lead guitarist, genuine gentleman genius - and all round top geezer from Led Zeppelin is the first, the very first Rock Star to have his hand prints immortalised in Britain’s inaugural ‘Walk of Fame’ outside the Virgin shop in Piccadilly Circus.

With typical humility, 60 year old Jimmy declared "It's a real privilege and a great honour to be the first. I'm really chuffed. A Walk of Fame is a fantastic idea, and it's high time we had one in London. If you started putting in all the people I think are deserving, you could cover the whole of London with hand prints".

I mean – how many demi-Gods do you know who use the word ‘chuffed’?
What a man.

Someone’s got something right at last……

And if anyone’s under any illusions that Jimmy isn’t the greatest guitarist ever in the world – ever… I suggest you invest in the Led Zeppelin double DVD and watch (& listen) the Page-Meister at work. Utter Genius.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Joneses, Joneses everywhere and not a hope of keeping up…

I am under siege at the moment – from aspirational family syndrome. Myself, Alfreda and the little tribe of Alfalfas are beginning to feel like the poor family that no one wants to live next door to.

We’re surrounded by families of ‘Joneses’ …. And I can’t keep up. To the right of us, the young, go-ahead dynamic couple with a kid that is only 5 but is already signed up to play for Liverpool F.C. have just had their entire front garden block paved. A huge area, that I bet can be seen from space, it’s a burnt umber and sienna mix with an attractive pattern in the centre. It hits just the right note of suburbian upward mobility….. *yawn*. Unfortunately, the company that did the block-paving – one ‘Jesse James and Co’ have made a bit of a pigs ear of it. The golden rule of block paving is to make sure that the gradient goes away from the house. Unfortunately, the cowboys didn’t know their arse from their slope, so when it rains an attractive moat gathers around the house. ‘Mr and Mrs Go-getter’ have mostly been ‘Mr and Mrs flooded out’ as Mother Nature, gravity, H2O and the ignored ‘golden rule’ conspire to bugger up their investment.

To the left is an aged silver duo – with loads of retirement cash and matching dark olive green Volvo estates. We rarely see them. They bought the house about a year ago and every couple of weeks some delivery van arrives with yet another bit of house kit. Double Glazing, double sofas, double garages…… and now a bloody monster big Conservatory that will no doubt include a couple of those twirly ceiling fans, and some posh wickerwork furniture.

In the middle is Alfie Manor. A bit of a ruin and generally not a pretty sight compared to ‘Left’ and ‘Right Fork’. Our garden can best be described as ‘rustic’. The most striking feature is the clump of ‘Great Willow Herb’ in the corner – just behind the pile of old faded block paving bricks that someone gave me a long, long time ago. I love this plant because it is the food for the caterpillar of Britain’s largest moth – The Elephant Hawk Moth – so I’m doing my bit for the environment aren’t I?. Over the years the pile of bricks has sagged and flopped into the long grass. It’s become ‘creepy-crawlie’ central, colonised by spiders and their many legged friends. Unfortunately, my flora and fauna enthusiasm is not shared with the ‘Silver Duo’, possibly because 5 billion Great Willow Herb germinated seeds dump themselves onto their immaculate lawn every autumn. Honestly, some people are so small minded aren't they?

A minor international incident has just been avoided as young Mr and Mrs ‘Go-getter’ have just installed a 6 foot high lapped fence to go with the block paving. It’s a Berlin Wall made of wood – the only things missing are watch-towers and slavering alsasians. Do you think they are trying to tell me something?

The fence had pinched a full 12 inches from our natural oasis. ‘Alfie the Beserker’ showed them the error of their ways - and the border has been redefined back to what it was. They've had the cowboys back to try to fix the 'gradient going the wrong way' problem - and have also built a grand brick wall to the front, with columns and concrete balls to boot. The problem with the border has left a nasty taste at Castle Alfie - and whilst there isn't outright hostility, an uneasy truce has broken out.

(But when their kid kicks over one of his footballs into our garden, I just don’t think he’s going to get it back)….