Friday, July 02, 2004

Confessions of a King and a jolly birthday party with 2 Toms, Ken and Frank………

Tomorrow is my birthday.
And that’s very, very nice.
Prezzies and jellies and trifles …… and alcohol galore, hurrah.

Looking through my bumper ‘Have a look at who you share your birthday with’ book, and I’m praying that Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Tony Blair were not born on the same date that I was. It would be real nice if I shared my special day with some people that are a bit more intelligent than three crap comedians……

Well, that is a stroke of luck, it must be my birthday or something! I share my special day with some real intellectual luminaries –Lisztomaniac director Ken Russell, Metamorphic author Franz Kafka, former Czech and prolific playwright Tom Stoppard and errrr, that crap American actor, Tom ‘pleasure’ Cruise. Oh well, you can’t have everything can you?

I wonder if Tom will be naming me as his birthday buddy on his web site tomorrow? Or will he be sticking with Ken and Franz?

Anyway, I bet the Croozster doesn’t get a prezzie half as good as what I’m getting. I know I’m getting a good ‘un because I chose it – via the 3 dubbyas.

He’ll probably be getting another Ferrari or something (yawn). I mean, how passe is that? How very power-shouldered eighties. Maybe it’s some sort of substitute for something – maybe he’s lacking down there in the trouser department? Who knows?

What’s my prezzie then, I hear you ask?
It’s only an Anglo-Saxon, Edward the Confessor Silver penny – that’s bloody all!

I mean, how cool is that then, it’s over a thousand years old and it’s all mine - I bet Tom Cruise hasn’t got one. A coin from the reign of Edward the Confessor, a man who totally screwed up our history, because he couldn’t decide just who would succeed him. "William or Harold, which one, which one to choose? I mean, Harold is big and strong and Wessexy, but William’s an utter, utter bastard ….. and French of course."

So just why was he called Edward the Confessor? Maybe Edward the Vacillator, Edward the Fence Sitter or Edward the Special Needs King would have been more appropriate?

I reckon he should have tossed for it – maybe he did? Maybe that was his problem, too much tossing. Too much tossing so he forgot exactly why he was tossing in the first place – but what the hell, he was enjoying it much too much to care. Take a look on the Bayeaux tapestry if you get the chance – is he tossing? It looks bloody suspicious alright….Or is he just going eeny, meeny, miney, mo….. Come to think of it, the portrait of him on my silver penny looks a bit odd. What’s he doing with his regal right hand?

I’ve been to Edward the Confessor’s tomb in Westminster Abbey, very grand and very old, in a dust to dust sort of way. A bit disappointing though, there’s no witty inscription on it… Nothing like "See, I told you I was ill" courtesy of Spike Milligan. Maybe he should have one, something like ‘My name is King Edward Creosote – I was always sitting on the fence’…..

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Haaaaappy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeee - eeeee,
Happy Birthday to me,
(Anyone got an iron lung to help me blow out this forest of candles?)

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Stating the bleedin’ obvious…….

Tube strike in ‘The Smoke’ today. A London Transport spokesman said "I advise workers to walk to work, because the buses are all going to be full".

That’s the trouble with Government spokespeople – no bloody imagination whatsoever. Where’s the left field thinking? – doesn’t anyone in power read any of Edward de Bono’s stuff?

Maybe they could ‘space hop’ to work. Or handstand, perhaps? Cart-wheeling could be quite creative – and giving not very nimble people piggy back rides could be pretty profitable. Just get a meter riveted to your head, stick a ‘No Smoking’ sign to your bum and you’re off. But remember, don’t take anyone with a snotty nose or obvious weight problem. ‘Light is alright, heavy is "Do me a favour, luv - there's a bus following in a minute - honest"

Or you could go the vengeful route. Round up a striking tube train driver, whack a bridle on him, don some very, very sharp pointy spurs - and ride him apace down Regents Street – Lone Ranger fashion. Only problem is, you’ll probably arrive just this side of Christmas.

Real creative thinking however may have been to avoid the strike at all costs. Or failing that, laying on a few extra buses or coaches and relaxing the congestion charge to cope with the rush…….. Nah, maybe not, The Ministry of the Bleeding Obvious will never take on board such radical ideas.

My advice to all you Larnderners though is to just throw a sickie – and watch day-time TV instead. I hear Dale Winton is on at 9.30 this morning, then there’s Fern and Phil and Richard and Carol after lunch ……. Pure, pure quality.