Saturday, January 31, 2004

The ‘RogueNationStatometer is twitching again ….....

"Prime Minister, I’ve only just gone and bloody well found another one. I Alfie, the sexing up weapons inspector has uncovered another viper’s nest for you and your loyal brother in arms to sort out".

"Get me The President – it looks like another job for ‘The Righteous Brothers’ – Alfie, is there a phone booth handy so I can do a quick change? I also need to don my ‘Most serious and extra grave’ expression for this ‘VideoPhone’ call. So I’ll need extra" ….

"Botox injections? I’ve already anticipated that scenario. The needle and tray is on your desk. Meanwhile, I’ll put the call through"….

"Hi George, Tony here…… Tony Blair…..

"Toaneee Blaugg? Do I know you, Toaneee Blaugg?"

"Yes, yes yes. You know me, I’m ‘Four square, Tony Blair’ You know, Prime Minister of the UK. Faithful friend to the USA in their fight against international terrorism….. You know, I’m known as ‘The Rev’?"

"Ohhh, sure! Sorry Tone. Had a senior moment there. What can I do for you?"

"MI6 have given me a ‘new file’ on a new Country…"

"A new Country?"

"Exactly. Absolutely brimming with Dubbya Emm Deees"

"But how ‘sexy’ is it?"

"It’s as sexy as ‘Jordan’ – and I’m not talking about the Middle Eastern country".

"Hubba, hubba is it as ‘stacked’ as Jordan?

"Well yes, obviously – but I would prefer to say it was very much ‘stacked’ in our favour"

"Tone, that’s what I like to hear. Hot diggiddi, looks like ‘hammer time’ again"

"Damn right, Dubbya – it must be true, I’m coming over all self righteous again"

"Well that settles it, Tone. Send over the checklist on the ‘RighteousFax’

"F. A. B. Georgie boy"

"Good jaab Tony. Hmmmm, interesting……..

Anti Democratic, and Anti West check list

1) Muslim Country Check

2) Military Dictator Check

3) Backed by junta Check

4) Violently seized power Check

5) Undemocratic Check

6) Suppression of political parties Check

7) Weapons of Mass Destruction Check

8) ‘In the field’ testing of WMDs’ Check

9) Unstable Check

10) Violent clashes with neighbouring Countries Check

11) Guerrilla and terrorist training camps Check

"Hello Tony, God damn, it’s dynamite!
Gotta move baby! - To the Self Righteous War Cabinet!"

"Dubbya, wait! Don’t you want to find out just who it is?"

"Well, they have huge reserves of oil, right? – Otherwise, what’s the point of invade…. Liberating them?".

‘I say to you George, - to get rid of the dictator and the WMDs’ – obviously".

"Well OK Tony, what Goddam Country is it".

"Pakistan, it’s Pakistan, Dubbya"

"Pakistan! Ya stooopid limey bastard. Pakistan and ‘The General’ are loyal allies in our fight against those terrorist folks Tony – don’t you know nuttin?"…..

"But George, what about democracy?"

"Geez, Tony baby. Don’t you get it? Not all totalitarian states are our enemies".

"They’re not?" Well, when are they not our enemies?

"When they’re our friends, Tony. When they’re our friends…


"Condeleeza, Condeleeeeezzza, get me Premeeer Sheerack on the ‘phone – and get me someone who can speak Franccish – we need to find ourselves a nooo ally to replace this stoopid limey asshole"…..

Friday, January 30, 2004


So, one of my kids comes home from school and says "Hey Dad, what is the longest month in the year?"

Hmmmm, I muse away.... 30 days hath September, etc, etc"

"Well, 7 months have 31 days - so there are 7 that are the longest"

"No, no, no. Which is the longest?'

I then started to think that maybe he was talking about the number of letters in each word... "September!" I announced in triumph. "September - it's got 9 letters, it's the longest"

"Naw, wrong again!"

By now he was crowing like Tony Blair after just receiving a favourably stitched up Inquiry.

"O bloody K. I don't bloody know. You'd better bloody tell me"

Answer: October. Why? Because the clocks go back in October by 1 hour, therefore October is 1 hour longer that the other 31 day months.

Well, I never knew that - but I do now.

A Taxing year?...

January 31st 2003 Phew!! Just managed to get my tax return in. What a palaver! Mental note to 'sloth-side' of my head. Get off your arse and make sure that you send in the next tax return pronto - like, before the end of September - then the good old friendly tax people will calculate it for you. How very considerate! I mean, to quote Adam Hart-Davis in his extremely irritating TV tax ads "After all, tax doesn't have to be taxing". (What brilliant wordsmith thought that one up then?)

February. Must keep that receipt, 'n stick it in with my tax return which should be in by September.

March. Hmmmm. This windfall, left me by Great Aunt Mimsie. I should put it to one side - and if I need to pay the taxman anything, I can use that?. How mature of me - sorted! Saved lots more receipts, must find box to put them in.

April. Decide to invest windfall into having a really good holiday, because.. because I bloody well deserve it. And anyway, my return only needs to be in by the end of September - I can easy save whatever I need by then.

May. Take a teeeny-weeny small loan out - just to tide me over for 'spends' on my fab' holiday. Well, it's only someone else's money - and everyone's doing it!! Got even more receipts, God, at this rate, Gordon Brown will owe me money!

June. God it's hot. Sun, sea, sand and sangreeeea! Mental note: must sort out my tax form as soon as I get home "Alfreda, whack a bit more of that Ambre Solaire stuff on me back will you?"

July. Can't find tax form. Where the hell is it? Ring up very understanding man at tax office called 'Gordon' - he's Scottish - and prudent. Understanding Gordon tells me I can submit my form 'online'. Blimey, what am worrying about? I can upload in a matter of moments... I mean, theoretically, I could send it on the last day of September at a quarter of an hour before midnight if I really wanted to...

August. Relax, plenty of time, now I can submit 'on-line'

September 29th Ohhhhkkaaaayyyy. Must sit down and do it. Right after I've read this really interesting article on traditional reindeer farming in the frozen northern wastes of Finland.

October 1st Damn, missed the deadline, never mind, I can still make the end of January deadline - just as long as I give all my 'P' forms to my accountant...

November Where the bloody hell is my 'P 11D' form. I mean, can you believe it, I had it here, just here... and now it's gone... Come to think of it, where's my 'receipts box'?
"What do you mean you've thrown it out! It wasn't just an old shoe box, it was my receipts box.."

Don't you just hate going through sweaty bin bags looking for stuff that's always at the bottom. And don't you just hate it even more when you've chucked the entire contents of your pets cat litter tray in there, not an hour before.

December Christmas is coming, hoorah!! Make entry into brand spanking new 2004 diary... "January 5th, ring Andrew (my Accountant), make appointment." I've put extra bold, black underlined underlinings, just so I don't miss it when I come back from my Christmas holidays.

January 5th Blimey, my first day back. I can't remember a thing! I mean, what the hell was I supposed to be doing today? Best thing is to get back into it, slowly like - then it won't be such a shock. I'll start stuff tomorrow... or maybe the next day... possibly. I'll open my new diary at a brand new page - crisp and virginal - there! January the 7th.

January 30th 2004 Now, I just know I've forgotten something... OHMYBLEEDINGGOD -TAX!

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Improbable Similes……

As pure as the driven Blair.

As stitched up as the BBC.

As gobsmacked as a population with smacked gobs

As groggy as a Greg Dyke

As vacant as a ‘Buff’ Hoon.

As infallible as a British Politician.

As iffy a verdict as the stitch up 2,000 years ago.

As impartial as Judge Hutton (apparently)

As crestfallen as a bitter blogger.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

The clever money has gone into whitewash......

Oh yes, baby! Alfie the Stag, Bear, Bullfrog, Tadpole or whatever here.

Clever, smug Alfie has made a fortune by investing in 'WHITEWASH CORP PLC'. He saw a potentially huge opportunity in the market, once he realised Lord Hutton was publishing his Report today. So much whitewash would be needed for the Report that a shortage was bound to happen.

Buying at 0.5p and selling, this morning at £28.76p per share means Alfie will never have to work again........

STOP PRESS Panic buying of Whitewash at B&Q Warehouse stores all over the UK. People killed in rush. One disappointed punter said "Oh bloody hell, the whitewash has all gone. Now I'll have to paint our outside bog in 'Alaskan Blue' or 'Magnolia Mist' - but it's a bloody poor substitute for whitewash"....

STOP, STOP PRESS Reaction from around the world on the news that Teflon Tony Blair is innocent .....

Pope John Paul "Isssa miracle. I'ma gonna make him a Saint.... St Tony of Teflonia"

President George W. Bush "Who the God damn is Tony Blair?"

President Chirac "I am very, very 'appy for 'im.... 'Onest"

Chancellor Gordon Brown "Shite!"

The Rev’ skins it again – thanks to his flock…....

Tony Blair, ‘Teflon’ to his mates, ‘Smarmy’ to his enemies and ‘Conniving manipulative ingrate’ to the electorate just managed to get the Top-up fees bill through the lobby by a miserly 5 votes. Alfie the Parliamentary sketch writer has pondered long and hard for a suitably eloquent phrase to sum up this democratic white - knuckle ride…. But he just can’t get past ‘Tony Blair – you totally jammy bastard’

What’s the matter with some of those ‘rebels’ – pathetic! They folded like deflated foldy things in a vacuum…. It reminded me of that great sketch on ‘Spitting Image’. Thatcher and all her sycophantic Cabinet are having a meal in a restaurant. The waiter comes over "I’ll have the Beef" bellows Mrs T.

"And the vegetables?" says the waiter.

"They’ll have the Beef as well"…........

Talk about 'Men or Mice'...... I don't think this Government will be bringing in an extra tax on cheese do you?

Anyway, leading up to the vote, ‘Teflon Tone’ seemed to base most of his argument through this simplistically overworked sound byte illustration of a binman, toiling away …… "Is it fair" asks Tone "Is it fair to expect this binman to fund a medical student through University? I say to you - that it is not fair"…….

Crap argument or what? I mean, I don’t watch Grand Opera - but I’m sure some of my hard earned taxes help fund it – and good luck to them.. However It’s got me thinking a bit. Using the ‘IS IT FAIR’ proposition can be applied to lots and lots of different criteria….

Tone –

Is it fair that I help fund your Prime Ministerial pension scheme of £2.5 million quid – even though I hate your bleeding guts – and the rest of us have to make do with a crumbling, no return nest egg?

Is it fair that I help fund your illegal and imperialistic war adventure to Iraq even though I don’t think you’re mentally competent to be a binman, never mind P.M?

Is it fair that I help fund such brain dead schemes as the Millennium Dome and the new Wembley Stadium, even though I’m vehemently against your South East Centralist agenda?

Is it fair that I help fund vacuous, ill-judged, ‘written on the back of a fag packet’ sound byte initiatives, even though you don’t believe a word you’re saying?

I say to you, "It is not"

STOP PRESS: Latest leak from the Hutton inquiry…..
Shock disclosure – David Kelly linked to ‘ultimate betrayal’.
A government source has confirmed that Kelly – or Mr Iscariot’ as he is now to be known, will be denounced as Pontias Pilot’s chief informer. The source also confirmed that they had found 30 pieces of silver in his piggy bank……

Monday, January 26, 2004


OK, ‘got everything, I think! I’ll just run through the list….

Mega - tog sleeping bag. check

Kendal mint cake (polar icecap quality as endorsed by Chris Bonnington). check

Nanook of the North anorak with specially incorporated blubber membrane. check

Swiss Army penknife with ice axe attachment. check

Red Army Surplus furry hat made from lots of dead Russian furry things. check

‘The Call of the Wild’ by Jack London – to get me in the mood. check

Snow shoes, made from one old squash racquet and….. nothing else – I’ll just have to hop. check

Entire collection of ‘Ray Mears’ survival techniques’ videos (I always knew these would come in handy). check

Scissors – to cut off the perma-frozen snot globules from my moustache and beard. check

'Everest' double glazing - obviously. check

Yep, that’s it, I can take whatever the North wind is going to throw down at me, So come on you great big gay polar bear, bring it on down, I’m ready!