Thursday, February 19, 2004

Flagging spirits and pretentious has beens ...
(and a crap flag design)

Anthony H Wilson, bon vivant, enfant mediocre of the ‘Madchester’ movement, founder of Factory Records and The Hacienda Club has found a new bandwagon to jump onto.

Style guru, Anthony has teamed up with Peter Saville, the guy that used to design album covers for New Order, Stone Roses and the Joy Division to name but three and has designed a flag for the North West, because as Tony grandly says It’s necessary

Busy-body and general all round fusspot Mr Wilson has decided, along with other beautiful people from the area that us North Westerners have an identity crisis. It’s not enough to be Lancastrian, Marcher men, Cumberlander, Scouser or Mancunian – Tone reckons we need to rally to the banner of the North West…. My homeland, tear in my eye, hand on my heart….

Tony, I know this is a bit of a shock to the old ego, but I and most of the people in this Country of England don't want any more layers of parochial government. Just an English one will do, thanks very much.

Who knows, maybe Mr Wilson has press ganged Peter Hook and his New Order crew to knock up a Regional Anthem…. Royalties Tony, just think about the Royalties.

My whippet’s beginning to look distinctly nervous though, style conscious Tony is bound to want us to go upmarket with our pets – possibly getting an Afghan Hound instead. The flat cap and black pudding recipes have already been consigned to the bin…

A bit of advice to you Mr Wilson – from one North Westerner to another. Stick to reminiscing about your golden ‘Madchester’ days – and leave our sense of belonging to wherever we feel most comfy.

OR – take a course in ‘better flag designing’

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Dental as anything…...

Today, 3,000 people in Scarborough have been queuing to register with a new NHS dentist. She seems a nice lady, just been head-hunted from Holland, presumably leaving a lot of clog wearing, tooth aching Dutch bods behind. Her English is perfect – I just wonder how many of her new clients will be able to speak Hollish to her…..

She clearly seems overwhelmed by our quaint queue culture – "No, ve haff noffink like ziss in Hollant. But, I zink everyone’s teeth in Scarborough vill need just a leetle attention."

Someone should tell her, they really, really should. By the second month, she’ll have biceps like Schwarzenegger and an ivory mountain to rival that of the most ardent of elephant poachers. Just looking at those people in the queue – and particularly their gobs, she is going to be a very busy practitioner indeed. As I was watching the telly, all I could think of was ‘Tombstones’…

So, where have all our NHS Dentists gone?

I think they may all have got ‘Marketforce-itis’… possibly.

Was this one of Tony Blair's 'pledges'?
"I pledge to completely bugger up the dental profession - because I can"

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

The Northern Tsar is in my eyes (and up my nose)……

Two arses, John Prescott, enfant terrible of ‘Medacious Gov’ Inc’ is proposing a brand new supa dupa city for us Northerners. Well whoopy do, I was only saying t’wife t’other day.. "Ay up lass, what we need is a bloody great new city t’live in. Something that is about wun ‘undred miles wide will do. It’ll give us limitless lamp posts for our ample pack of whippets to wee agin and open up our black puddin’ franchise to the entire Northern Region"…..

So serious is Prezza taking his new ‘back of the envelope’ idea that he has appointed even more Tsars to overlook this magnificent new directive.

The Romanov’s are alive and well and living in Central London, busying themselves Tsarring away, hither and thither making sure that all potential banana skins are avoided. A specially commissioned ‘Banana Tsar has been head hunted from Fyffes to make sure ‘Medacious Gov’ Inc’ gets this one right.

Apparently, it’ll stretch all the way from Liverpool in the West, straight along the M62 corridor to Hull on the East coast. Then South to take in Sheffield - and North via a rather strange arm, all the way up to Newcastle and Sunderland. From the air, its outline looks like a flattened animal roadkill… sums it up really. By my reckoning, the city centre will be somewhere on top of the Pennines - just near where the M62 splits into two to go round that bolshy farmer’s house. He will be pleased. "Ayy up, yer can take yon Civic Centre, and stick it up your arse, that cow shed in’t going nowhere"….

Prezza has obviously never seen organic growth, (apart from his voluminous gut). It’s yet another idea from the planet ‘crap’ "I know Tone, you’ll love this, a mega city stretching from sea to shiny sea. It’ll take in Hull, Leeds, Manchester, Newcastle, Sunderland, Middlesbrough, Liverpool and Sheffield. I’ve code-worded it ‘Prescotland"

The race is on for a suitably sexy name for the new mega city – although, Peter Mandelson’s request to have it christened ‘Blairville’ has been eloquently refused by Prezza. "I’m buggered if I’ll have my city named after our leader"…

Anyway, Alfie the ever helpful has come up with some suggestions for the new Metropolis’ moniker….





New Valhalla





Labour Gulag

Tomorrow: Continuing with our Northern theme we debate the merits of failed record (Factory) impresario and failed club (hacienda) owner Anthony H Wilson’s latest attempt to shove his face into our lives. Tone has helped to design a new North West flag for us North Westerners, how thoughtful, but it looks like Mr Wilson is going to make it 3 failures in a row………

Monday, February 16, 2004

The Orange BAFTA Awards…….

I’d like to thank God, Tony Blair, my Mum, my Dad, my Wife, my kids, my 4 pet cats, my dog (sniff) ….. Oh, but most of all I’d like to thank (sob) the empty room in my brain labelled ‘Memory’ for giving me a ‘luvee – free’ evening.

I forgot it was on last night and watched the other side….