Thursday, March 04, 2004

In the words of Victor Meldrew "I don't believe it!"......

Now this is funny. I'm just browsing around and come across this little gem. It's a site dedicated to getting our own boy wonder, Tony Blair in as the next President of the USA. They have a catchy slogan to head the campaign 'Tony Blair for President'

The whole thing is very surreal. They've even thoughtfully morphed a pic' of the great one with the star spangly thing in the background and the presidential emblem on the dias on which he is four squarely leaning. Do I believe it? I just don't know. But you can get bumper stickers, coffee mugs - and even 'beer steins' with Tony for Pres' stuff on it. The patter is slick, the opening paragraph sets the tone "Between the babbling of George W. Bush on the right, the blathering of the anti-war left, and the cluck-clucking of media hens everywhere, stands Tony Blair, articulate and principled"

Just breathtaking.

The best bit on the site is the PETITION and the comments therein. If you've got the time, have a look at the comments - you could even sign the petition yourself if you feel the need for the omnipotent one to somehow go for 'the big one'. If the people that financed the site thought they'd get maple syrupy apple pie eyed sentimental gung-ho drivel - they are somewhat mistaken.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Great marketing ideas ‘on tap’……....
(Well, if Coca Cola can do it, so can I)

'Dansani' - basically tap water, from Coca Cola has given me a bit of an idea. Alfie the entrepreneur has seen a gap in the market where he could clean up big and retire happy.

Air. Air in a bottle. Nothing taken away – and nothing added… really, really nothing added at all. It’s brilliant isn’t it? After all, seeing that the U.S. have blown the ‘Kyoto’ agreement out of the water, air quality world-wide is bound to be getting a bit stale and smelly. What’s needed is a product to remind you of air as it used to be when you were a kid.
Pure(ish), unadulterated(ish) airy stuff – from the farm.

I’ll need a name, obviously. Something that gets that pure, country fresh image across to the discerning air breathing consumer - but without the cow pat waft. A lot of companies, wishing to go for that clean, healthy feel seem to plumb for a geographic name. I’ve got my manufacturing arm set up in Northern Ireland, Londonderry to be precise – so I’ve got the geography sorted out.

Production is a bit rudimentary though – and that’s the beauty of it. To fill the bottles we simply unscrew the tops and let the air flood in. Replace the top and slap a label on – job done!

So that’s all taken care of. Now I’ll need a catchy, jingley type slogan to really push on ……..

Let’s put the elements into the mix and see what comes out.

Hmmmm, the product is processed in Londonderry - ‘Derry’ for short … and the product is ‘Air’ – and I’m the big shot entrepreneur. I’ve just got to get those three elements together into one line.

I’ve got it!

"Alfie says, breath it, smell it in from his DerryAir"…..
Great! Now to expand into Europe. I wonder if my slogan will translate into french?

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Clarissa Dickson-Wright and other dumb animals…...

Last week, my MP was on the telly. He was on the windswept plains of Lancashire doing a fair to middle impression of Pontias Pilot in a mac’ and wellies. Hand wringing was the order of the day as "Mr Colin Pickthall, MP for West Lancashire bleated there was nothing he could do about it.

He was standing on the bleak, peaty fields of Altcar. To some people in this Country, Altcar is the Wembley of their ‘sport’ – To them, the competition for which they compete, (The Waterloo Cup) is the equivalent of winning Wimbledon, The Derby, The World Cup and losing your virginity all rolled into one..

Altcar is the spiritual home of ‘hare coursing’. For the uninitiated it’s ripping up dumb little animals by middle sized dumb animals, whilst being slavered at by big dumb animals in Barbours and green wellies.

Oh yes, the great, the double-barrelled and the weak chinned were all there in their green tweedy finery. Failed chef meister and the ‘not yet dead’ half of ‘Two Fat Laydees’, Clarissa ‘frightfully posh’ Dickson-Wright was there, lording it and larding it as only she can.

Vinnie ‘I know gangsters and I can have you killed’ Jones was supposed to be there, but pressure of work meant he was in absentia. Yes, apparently Mr Jones is making a movie in which he plays an East End gangster called Barry Hard-Bastard. His only lines in the movie are "Ere, wot’s your game? Leave it awwt, I’m Barry Hard-Bastard, and I could have you killed"….

Vinny, you should watch out, you’ll start to get typecast ….. although I understand his next movie is a change of scene. It’s a total fantasy. The role is going to stretch his acting capability to the limit. He’s been booked to play a ‘professional football player’.

Back to Altcar. My MP says that it could become very, very tricky trying to get hare coursing banned. Great cunning is required. Mr Pickthall is "Very wary of prophesising the end of hare coursing"

Ohhh really.... The Government have a majority of over 150 and a Tony-crony poodle clack masquerading as a second chamber in the House of Lords. Shoving something through – something pledged in the1997 election manifesto should have been a doddle to do.

Hare coursing is a complete anathema in a civilised society. It’s a lust for blood too far – against an endangered native animal.

Pontias Pickthall, Tony Blair and all you other members of the ‘Things can only get better brigade’ stop whistling ‘dixie’ get your fingers out of your backsides and get it banned – or I’ll come and live next door to you….

Hats off……

Hats off to Peter Jackson at the Oscars. Not for the 11 successful nominations for Lord of the Rings, nor for his humble speech – and his genuine pleasure at winning everything in sight at the Kodak Theatre in L.A..

No, it’s for his fashion sense. For whilst everyone else was a virtual mobile fashion statement, dressed up to the nines by some of the coolest designers on the planet, Peter was dressed by Oxfam’s bargain basement bin. Which is just as it should have been.

All the beautiful people with their ‘Botox’ injections, nips and tucks. Sculptured eyebrows, silicone enhancements and plastic smiles….. and Peter Jackson, his hair a comb free zone, beer gut, shirt collar size several inches too small, horrible tie – he looked like a bag o’ washing, draped in gold. Excellent!