Friday, June 17, 2005

The ‘E’ word has been elbowed – official…

Perusing the seats of power on the Parliament web site, I came across Welshman Alun Michael’s new portfolio. After ballsing up the countryside brief, Michael,MP for Cardiff South & Penarth has been given a job in ‘industry’. His official and pretty damn grand moniker is now – Rt hon Alun Michael, Minister of State for Industry and the Regions.

I thought it sounded a bit weird… ‘Industry and the Regions’. I mean, what does that mean then?

I decided to bang off an email to Ivory Towers Inc and find out…

Good afternoon,

I have a question and I wonder if you could clear it up for me.
The Rt. Hon. Alun Michael, MP for Cardiff South & Penarth is, I understand the
‘Minister of State for Industry and the Regions’.

Does his responsibilities include the regions of the whole of the UK?...
Or is it just the regions of England that Mr Michael has responsibility for?

And if it is the regions of England, then why not have ‘England’ in the title of his job?


‘John’ from Alun Michael HQ got back to me quicker than you could say ‘Jobs for the boyos’ with the following reply…. (although, it might have been better if he had read ‘Eats, shoots and leaves’ by Lynne Truss before he’d done so).

Dear Steve,

Alun Michael has responsibility for the nine Regional Development Agencies (RDAs) throughout the UK.

There is no RDA in Scotland or Wales, I think any issues arising are handled within the assembly's.

Hope this helps.


Well John, it actually doesn’t help – at all. You didn’t answer my question did you? Because you couldn’t bring yourself to say ‘the word’ – the word that cannot be uttered - ever.

Yes, the ‘E’ word has been eradicated from Labour’s lexicon of waffle….. "period" (to quote Tony Blair).

So there you have it, when Gordon Brown, Alun Michael and even ‘John’ – the guy who doesn’t know his grammar from his grandma goes on about the Nations and Regions of the UK…. They really do mean ‘the Regions of the UK’….. I’m now a norf westerner of the UK apparently.

Alfie has resolved to reply to ‘John’ with a bit of Anglo Saxon advice on Geoggers and Eng’ Lang’ - and to also ask just why an MP with a Welsh constituency has an English only brief – I’ll keep you posted.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Free the Jackson 1…. Oh, they already have….

Whacko Jacko is: barmy, white, black, deluded, Diana Ross clone, mad, bad, sad, rad, a tad talented, innocent….

Hmmmm. Which of those boxes do you tick?

Maybe all of them? Probably not.

There’s no doubt about it, Jacko is a complex puzzle, wrapped in an ebony enigma, packaged in a white plastic bag.

He’s a middle-aged, cross-race, cross-gender, cross-wired man.

He’s 200 million dollars in debt – and he hasn’t had his invoice from his lawyers yet. (so make that 300 million in debt)

What’s left of his nose is slipping south, due to the melting point of wax being lower than the ambient Californian daytime temperature.

His relationships with women have been few and far between. Lisa Marie Presley was a passing trophy fad – and his second wife Debbie Rowe, appears to be little more than a convenient surrogate for his kids. Even their initial meeting was far from normal. He first met her in a hospital burns unit after he had been a bit too zealous slapping on the old skin whitening agent onto his scrotum. Result? 3rd degree burns to an intimate part of his body, wedding bells and a multimillion dollar pay off for Debbie.

So, after the trial and trib’ of the trial and fib, what’s Jacko going to do now?…..

Well, I don’t want anyone to panic, but the word on the streets is that the great man/boy/girl/saint/messiah is thinking of relocating to London, England.

I suggest you lock up your sons/daughters/plastic surgeons/scrotum burns specialists/and any blazers you may have with a coat of arms on the pocket. Jacko and his entourage are about to hit blighty.

Overheard on Richard ‘n’ Joody tonight…

The story: The conspiracy theory on the death of Princess Diana.

The guests: Two high powered ex Mi5 secret service people.

Joody: …"And to discuss whether Diana was killed by members of MFI, let me introduce to you our guests"….

I’m not surprised, it all makes sense now… those furniture flat pack instructions are just murder….

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Jimmy Page – short-changed again….

Jimmy Page, rock God and charity man has just been awarded an OBE by a grateful nation. He will shortly meet Queen Brenda, Phil the Greek, Chaz the human FA Cup, ‘Plug’ his wife and the rest of the Buck’ House chavs for the medal ceremony, in the very near future….

Well, whoopy do!

Better late than never I suppose? But I’d have thought a Knighthood would’ve been the very least he’d have got…..

After all, the King of the Gibson has a ton more talent than almost anyone else you can name. Plus, his charity foundation for homeless Brazilian kids has for years been quietly doing good works without the rock star hoopla of other celeb charity organisations….

But then again, if he had received a Knighthood, he’d be in the same ‘league’ as Sir Cliff Richard, Sir Elton John, Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Jimbo Saville…..

Suddenly, an OBE seems a bit of a result….

Monday, June 13, 2005

Conspiracy theory from the greyscale man’s recent transport initiative…..

Seems a bit funny, don’t it?
Repressed Transport Secretary and the greyest man in the country, Alistair Darling suddenly goes a bit ‘left field’, a bit expansive, a bit lateral in a dull and wholly ill thought through kind of way …

The Darling of dullness has initiated a brand new system for the road vehicles of blighty. Gone(ish) are the punitive road taxes, gone(ish) are the outrageously expensive petrol taxes….. Instead we’re going to have ‘PTTN-AYG’…which is short for ‘Pay Through The Nose - As You Go’.

The more you go, the more you pay. A bit draconian I think.
I don’t know about you, but it all seems a bit rushed, a bit ‘back o’ the fag packet’ - written in the Noo-Laber tradition against a battered and fed up nation.

In fact, if you ask me, something smells rotten in the state of Nomark.

I reckon Darling’s been to the Moon set in Hollywood to get inspiration for the biggest conspiracy theory this country has ever known. Jiggery pokery is definitely at work on the British public, courtesy of the monotone greyscale man and his acolytes.

The theory: A boffin has invented a car that runs on grass, or pigeon poo, or privet cuttings… something that’s cheap, readily available and more importantly impossible to control by HMG. The boffin reckons he can roll this out to market in about 8 years time……

"Yes dear, I’m just going to fill her up. I’ll get the lawn mower. See! …. HMG control totally buggered. How do you collect revenue duties from a bloke’s flymo?

You can just see the panic emanating from Gordon Brown’s fiscal fissures. Quick, control’s gone, invent summat else – like now!

"I know, what about ‘Pay as You Go?"……

"Oh Darling, that's brilliant".

"Oh Gordon, I didn’t know you cared"……

The parentage of Gordon Brown…..

Talking about Gordon Brown….. I know a man who knew Gordon’s dad. He was a man of Kirkcaldy and a fan of Raith Rovers. Gordon’s dad went to school with my very old mate, Bill Mac’…..

Bill told me all about our esteemed Chancellor about 5 years ago, in a Glasgow wine bar.

"Oh really, what was Gordon Brown’s dad’s name then?"

"Ebeneezer" came the reply……

‘Ebeneezer’ That sort of works I suppose. Is it Gaelic for ‘Tight-fisted sod’?….. Maybe his name could have been ‘Gullible’ or ‘Soft-touch’…

I wondered whether his mum’s name was ‘Prudence’?…….

Overheard on the radio…..

Apparently, dogs have owners, but cats have ‘staff’…
I concur.

Seen on the extremely fine David Dimbleby programme about the English landscape…..

That superb church in Norfolk I was going on about a couple of posts ago…. It was on the box last night - did you see it?