Friday, April 02, 2004

The Janet and Shane show

I’ve been 'Panicky Pete' this week. Absolutely everything I’ve tried to do has either gone tits up or down a plug hole….. Last night was the first time in days I could sit on me bum and watch the telly……

A few scoops helped – and a few home made lamb burgers – and a big packet of crisps….. and some more beers to wash it down. I was feeling a bit whoosey, it was a joint celebration - sort of getting rid of some work, by cunningly burying it in a clip file marked ‘Amnesia’ and chucking it in a cabinet called ‘black bin bag’….. The other reason was watching one of my favourite sports on the telly – the abject humiliation of a politician in her act of resignation … for all to see, marvellous.

With this in mind, I thought I’d watch ‘This Week’ (in politics) on BBC 1 last night and catch up on the latest goss’ on the resignation … Former ‘Sigue-Sigue Sputnick groupie, Janet Street Porter was hosting, standing in for Andrew Neill, who was ‘away’

I open another can……

Then, after media MPs’ Michael Portillo and Dianne Abbott have done their chicken entrails stuff on the Hughes resignation, Janet introduced the next item.

"And nouow, fresh from the starge at The Awlbert Hawll, let me intradarce Shane MacGowan to tell ars just what he thinks of the bar and restawrant smarking ban in Awrerland…

Comfy stupor becomes gobby smacked incredulity. Shane MacGowan!

Is this the same Shane MacGowan who was last sober when God was a lad and when we still had an Empire?

Am I that pissed? The Pogues bad boy is actually appearing to be on a political magazine programme – being interviewed by JSP. Yep, it's definitely the pointy toothed one all right.

The camera zooms in on a sweaty, glazed Shane. He replies to Janet’s first searching question ….. eventually. "WhatIzinkof ….. debannnizzzznotveymushhhhh"

Michael Portillo and Dianne Abbott, watch attentively.

Shane drones on "Oithinkitzzznawtroightzzzzzz ….. weallluvvasmoke…….."

You can tell it’s going pear shaped. Mike and Di’ are trying to finish off his sentences – well, they would if they could understand a word he was saying.

Janet’s a bit flustered. Fortunately, Shane comes to the rescue with a well timed pregnant pause – or is he asleep? The interview stumbles along, 5 minutes seems like 20, Abbott finds her shoes more interesting to look at. Portillo assumes a fixed stare. The sort of stare that says "Don’t talk to me and I won’t crack up into great fits of laughter"….

You can just imagine Beverley Hughes, sat at home thanking God for Shane and his diversionary words of wisdom…..

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Tuesday short…….

Our venerable leader, Tony Blair announced a whole new initiative today. (Yes, another one).

Latest communique from planet BlairWorld – big Tone has set the full resources of Plod against the super criminal. He’s announced more resources, more protection for super grasses and more pressure put on the "People that are making each citizen’s life an absolute misery" as Tony so rightly screams from his pulpit….

‘Alfie the grass’ has been compiling a list of heavies that he knows has done terrible, terrible things to Joe public. Extortion, drug peddling, protection rackets …. You name it, these Mr Bigs have got their nasty, fat little digits well dug in – right up to the knuckles!

"Hello, is that MrBigStoppas?

"I’ve got some names for you in your campaign to rid us of the criminal super thugs that blight our land……

"The names? Yes, I’ve got them here – a right nasty bunch, have you got a pencil?

"Right, here goes….

Tony ‘the commissar’ Blair – the boss of bosses.

‘Gonads’ Gordon Brown – that’s his speciality, going for your balls as well as everything else.

John ‘don’t mess with me or I’ll eat your dinner’ Prescott – he’s ‘the enforcer’.

Geoff ‘no ammo, no brains’ Hoon – or ‘Buff’ for short – the quartemaster.

Plus loads of deluded gang members commonly known as ‘Yes men’….. I believe the gang is known as the ‘Nothing to do with me guv, Gov’

Monday, March 29, 2004

The Monday Obit’......

Peter Ustinov died today.
He was OK I suppose, wasn’t he?
I didn’t really get him. But he was a genius apparently, because everyone said so. I couldn’t understand why Michael Parkinson was always wetting himself every time Pete did one of those stories in one of his trademark European accents.

"……. Zo, ze vaiter zaid von loomp or two"…..

Parky wets pants….. "Ay up, Ustee, I've wet t'bloody kecks agin"....

He always seemed to be on ‘Parky’ – telling variations of the same old stories, in his fallback European accent (yawn)….. Him and the late Robert Morley, the two of them ALWAYS on that bloody talk show, boring me to death. The last time Robert Morley was on, was a bit awkward though.

‘Parky’ introduces his final guest "And my final guest is an actor, a raconteur and intellectual. Noel Coward said of him ‘He is a rrrright smart arse and general all round archetypal Englishman’ …. Please welcome Robert Morley"….

The Floor Manager started to mime to the audience that it was time to clap for all they were worth - which they duly did, sort of.
But above the clapperty frapperty came a voice from the audience, a shout of frustration, loud and ever so clear. Something along the lines of…..

"Geezuz H. Keeerista! Not boring old fat arsed Robert Morley AGAIN!!!!"

Tottering, moresome Morley. Awash with pinstripe and rolls of good living, ground to a halt. He looked shocked, moribund, suffering from an embarrassment embolism half way down the stairway to Parky lounge and his brown nosed adorer.

Parky came over all stern – like an angry ship. He stood up "Right. Who said that?"

No one owned up.

"No one is going home until the culprit owns up"

Parky strutted, like a public school House Master. The audience remained implacable - and mute. Parky purpled.

As far as I know, they may still be there, under the gaze of ‘Parky’s Yorkshire grit and Morley’s long departed spirit waiting for someone to own up…..

Back to Ustinov…

I was going to say "I’ll miss him", but I don’t really think I will – after all, we’ve still got Bernard Manning – and he tells stories in a funny accent – and they’re not funny either. He does look a bit like Peter Ustinov – but he’s not as dead as him. Although, Manning has been looking a bit ‘corpseulent’ lately….