Friday, March 12, 2004

Meanwhile, at a marketing company somewhere in London….

"OK people, gather round.

"Today, we’ve got a mountain to climb – with 2 broken legs, a blinding snowstorm and a 38 stone Sumo wrestler strapped to our back. This really is the Mount Everest of marketing….

"We are right up shit creek – and the paddle shop is on half day closing. This is our rock and our hard place, this is our nadir, this is the almost impossible brief.

"Today, we’ve got to devise the marketing equivalent that’s almost as difficult as selling sand to Arabs and ice to Eskimos."

"Sounds like a pretty tall order, Chief – I mean, Arabs have got loads and loads of sand haven’t they – and it’s a bit cold to be putting ice in an Eskimo’s G&T?"

"I was being ironic. The proposition is that everything is possible – no matter how improbable, if you devise the correct marketing strategy. So, when we are trying to accomplish something very, very difficult we use the analogy that whatever our brief is – it's still not as difficult as selling sand to Arabs or ice to Eskimos - which would obviously be virtually impossible to do".

"Well, what is it, what's all the fuss about then? What’s it all about, this ‘almost impossible’ brief?

"Genetically modified crops – or 'G.M.' for short. Her Majesty’s Government has tasked our Company to handle the marketing for this tricky ‘hot potato’ – and ‘sell’ it to the Great British public as a good and wholesome foodstuff"….

"So let’s unlock the grey matter and do some creative power thinking, and let’s do it now, people".






"Can we have a go at the ‘sand to Arabs’ brief instead?"

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Margaret, What part of "GM crops? I'd rather eat ground glass, so shove them up your arse!" don’t you understand?.......

The story so far……

The year is 2000(ish) Our far seeing Government decides that it would be a ‘good thing’ to do a bit of GM test growing – in various secret locations throughout England.

After various scare stories, Government are forced to tell the locals where these trials are being held. "They’re just over there" says a DEFRA spokesperson.

The locals already knew though. "Ooooh ahhhh, it be the dayglo haze and the three headed cows that give it away" says Jonny Local.

Strange, chemical – suited protesters start to trash the testing fields. The Government, spooked by the adverse publicity decide on an informal chat with the population – "To allay fears and convey to them the benefits of the GM revolution". The embryonic ‘Big Conversation’ – or ‘Big Con’ for short – or ‘Big porky-lying, conniving ingrates’ for even shorter, is born.

After 2 years of consultation, vox poppery and ‘Big Connery’ with Joe Public, The Government decide they have a mandate to proceed with some real crop planting of GM maize. Environmental Minister (or mental for short), Margaret Beckett justifies her decision.

"The 8% of the population that are in favour of GM foods have given us a clear mandate" declares Mental Margaret. When asked about the 92% that are vehemently opposed to the proposition, she declares them all to be trouble makers, Luddites, townies, misty eyed liberals – or suffering from Mad Cow disease.

The issue is so important, it headlines on this morning’s BBC Breakfast programme. Ace incisive, inspirational and ‘mind of a planet’ interviewer (and possible winner of this year’s Most Stupid Question Award), Natasha Kaplinsky sticks the boot into a lily-livered pinko pot smoking, tree hugger from Greenpeace…. "Well, this GM maize is only intended for animal feed – so what’s the big deal?"

I mean, it’s not as if we’ll be eating the stuff is it?

The law of averages……

I see the Attorney General, the Right Hon Lord Goldsmith is under pressure to release the ‘evidence’ that enabled our ‘legitimate’ invasion of Iraq.

‘Alfie the scoop’ has had unique access to the minutes of the tense and very secret Cabinet meeting.

"Look Goldsmith, does the law allow us to invade, or not?"

"It’s not that easy Prime Minister. It’s very, very tricky. So to solve this conundrum I have had this little device made up."

"What is it, Attorney General?"

"It’s a disc, on one side is the word ‘WAR’ and on the other side is the word ‘PEACE’. I simply stick it on my thumb and spin it – like a coin ….. Whichever side the disc lands on – that is what we’ll do"

"OK, as your infallible leader I, Anthony Blair give you permission to spin that disc"…….

"And it’s come down on the side of"…….

"Best out of 3?"…