Friday, September 24, 2004

Dan, Dan the p.c. man……

Manly Dan, before the final make over made him into a big girl’s blouse.

Desperate Dan, the rootenest, tootenest, hombre this side of the Mason-Dixon line has had a makeover.

Dan, the chunky cowboy from the comic pages of The Dandy is no longer what he once was. The comic has updated him - so he now fits the P.C. matrix, as defined by the Ministry of Political Correctiveness. Gone is the monster barrel chest – Dan’s body is now a temple. Gone is his pair of fine, ‘fancy Dan’ ‘spurs – Dan doesn’t ride horses anymore, he cycles. Gone is his pearl handled six shooter pistol – it’s been replaced by a little belt bag. That way his handy multi-tool, a bit of string and his tree identification booklet are all safely stowed.

I bet he also doesn’t shave with his trusty blow torch anymore. Probably opted for something girly like a Gillette disposable – as advertised by David Beckam?…. Dan still lives in Cactusville – but I bet it’s now twinned with ‘Newmansville’ - P.C. State. I don’t think Dan eats the mighty coronary-inducing ‘Cow Pie’ anymore. Aunt Aggie probably does him a light Rocket salad with garnish…

Dan’s found his feminine side all right. He’s gone all caring and considerate. Indians are no longer ‘varmints’ – but are displaced Native Americans. Criminals are no longer ‘desperados’ – but are misunderstood men, the product of broken homes who have never been given a chance…

Let’s face it, Dan’s just not ‘desperate’ any more. Alfie the ‘Dandy’ reader has made a few suggestions for a new strip title to reflect his new lifestyle..
Devoted Dan,
Decaff’ Dan,
Duncausinghavoc Dan,
Dan, Dan the considerate man,
Dan, Dan the really big, girly man….

Another Alfie hero goes West…..

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

How very brave….

Last week, some toffs on a mission blagged their way into the mother of Parliaments. Smartly dressed in their colour co-ordinated, key message, correctly syntaxed tee shirts, casual country slacks by Armani and stout estate boots, they certainly looked the part of a pressure group that meant business – in a very amateurish sort of way.

The blue-blood bunch launched into a veritable tirade of posh verbal abuse at the sparsely populated Government benches. "Gadzooks, bagger orf, you Bolshevik bounder oiks"….
Cue outrage, cue hysteria, cue foaming machinations from the great Leader of the House – Peter (pass me the sun tan oil) Hain.

"We cannot have our safety in the House compromised – MPs must be protected by a modern, professional cadre of hand picked security experts – and not by the ‘men in tights’. After all, these people could have been suicide terrorists with bombs" Ranted Peter.

Well they weren’t terrorists, just a bit of posh flotsam from the gentry. Rank amateurs from the right side of the tracks – armed with nothing more than double-barrelled names and a full set of silver spoons.

Hain and his quivering band of baying henchmen were an absolute cowardly disgrace. Hysterical in the extreme, they showed their true colours – mostly yellow, yellow and..... yellow….

Contrast that with the cool, forthright statement emanating from the Foreign Office yesterday. Basically, it concerned the kidnap of British civilian, Mr Kenneth Bigley in Iraq – and the subsequent threat to murder him in cold blood – and in an unspeakably barbaric way.

Briefly, the statement read that the Foreign Office were very sorry that Mr Bigley was under threat of death in Iraq. They were doing everything they could, through intermediaries, but HM Government will not negotiate with terrorists – and will never accede to blackmail.

Not strictly true there then?
The 20th Century is littered with discreet meetings and agreements between HMG and outlawed organisations in various Countries all over the World. This culminated in the negotiations with terrorist groups of all persuasion in Northern Ireland – and the subsequent ‘Good Friday Agreement’.

I just wonder how four square the Government machine would be if the Toff Brigade that invaded the Commons had have been terrorists. Just how brave would St Tony be if it was Peter Hain and other Cabinet colleagues with knives held to their throats.

Somehow, I think that forthright, ‘no dealing with terrorist’ attitudes would be chucked straight out of the window faster than you could say ‘We do deal with terrorists – but only in special cases that involve Peter Hain’…..

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Belle de Jour….. brown de bread….

Belle's le jacked it in - in a 'Belle-end' kind of way.
Belle de Jour is now Belle no more.

  • Belle, awarded best blog last year
  • - by some clique de Guardian, is finally closing her blog pages - and her legs, to embark on all manner of marketing enterprises. Her first book is due out in January - and there's talk of a T.V. prog, no doubt followed by a range of lingerie, sex toys, 'how to' videos and a couple of syndicated guest problem page features in some national mags….

    Dear Belle,
    I'm a bit worried, I've fallen in love with my 48 year old, PVC leather clad mistress. Her name is Gladys - and she's gorgeous, in a rough and ready, bag o' spanners kind of way.

    Can you please give me some advice - coz it really, really hurts. Because I am a famous footy player I've got to be careful about my identity. I've changed my name - so my fiancée doesn't suss out it's me.

    Thanking you in anticipation,
    Dwain Mooney.

    But is Belle a 20 something babe or a 40 something baldy?
    Was 'she' lying on her back - or just lying through 'his' teeth?

    I guess we'll never know…..