Thursday, January 26, 2006


I fell for it last Friday, I really, really fell for it big time. The big-breasted rollover lady with the 85 million double-D bazoomas wiggled her jackpots at me – and I swooned.

I didn’t stop swooning until I got to the Euromillions Lottery counter. I bought two tickets at £1.50p each, the winning ticket and a back up just to make sure. While I was there, and seeing I was a bit of a Euromill’ virgin, I picked up a helpful little leaflet explaining exactly how to carry off the enormous 85 million pound cheque without giving yourself a triple hernia with double rupture accoutrement.

I mean, what could I do with all that money? 85 million quid is a King’s ransom with attitude and no mistake. I could buy a forest, a county…. a country even! - who knows? I could save a species, instigate some third world initiatives, help the Amazon Indians against the illegal logging companies and finance a court case through the U.S courts in which all the treaties signed by General Custer and company not to invade native Indian land are actually honoured. Who knows, maybe they might even say the 27 dollars worth of beads given to the native Indians in exchange for Manhattan might just be adjudged to be have been a bit of a rip off……

Anyway, first thing’s first, I’ve got to actually win the jackpot first before I can swamp the world with ‘AlfieCorp’ good works. (Motto, ‘Indignation is bloody useless unless it’s righteous indignation’) As I walked away from the counter with the sure fire winner in my grasping little graspy hand, I scanned the back of the Euromillions leaflet. Hmmmm, the odds of winning are a bit streaky – apparently winning the jackpot is around about 75,000,000 to 1……

‘Kin hell, Seventy five bleeding million to bleeding one……. Geez, how disappointing…….

Anyway, needless to say, I didn’t win, not even a single crummy Euro. But never mind, this week, the rollover has gone up to over 100 million – it’s huge, it’s massive, it’s fantasy ………

Let’s face it, I’ve got more chance of being discovered as the true heir to the throne and proclaimed as Alfred the OK(ing) the first.

Monday, January 23, 2006


According to a very sad scientist, today is the most depressing day of the year. He’s taken into consideration the post Christmas blues, the credit card bills gently flopping on every doormat in the country right about now and the really, really grindingly crap weather…

Added to that, Tony Blair is still in power, my dentist is about to go private, Celebrity Big Brother is still on the telly…… II mean, how could it get any worse?

Easy. The Inland Revenue have sent me a letter, cunningly timed to arrive on my doorstep today, on the morning of the most depressing day of the year. It did. It’s from a Mr T. Watt – and he wants to do an in-depth review of last year’s tax return. They want to look in great detail at the things I’ve claimed for, sifting, sifting, sifting…… It’s so thorough, I think in accountancy circles, it’s called a ‘KY audit’ – they look everywhere, especially in places where the Sun never shines.

Let’s hope they don’t find ‘piles’ - (of cash, obviously).