Friday, September 17, 2004

Yatesy's not happy....

Despite living miles away in 'The Artist previously known as Prince's home town of Minneapolis, Andy's dander is up. The reason? The staggering comment this week from brewery boot boys, Interbrew (or more accurately, 'brewery brand asset strippers') that they are about to 'rationalise' their UK brewing operation.....

Interbrew(or 'Bastards' for short) want to close the Boddingtons Strangeways Brewery in Manchester. Andy wants to get a boycott going of all Interbrew's products - check his post out.
  • Boycott Interbrew

  • Even now,I'm chucking the Stella down the bog....
    Windy Fillers …..

    Bloody typical innit?
    You wait ages for a hurricane….
    Then 4 turn up one after the other.

    Hurricane Names….

    Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl.
    ‘Ivan’ has hit the coast and ‘Jean’ is brewing up nicely in the special Hurricane growing greenhouse off South America.

    I reckon that calling hurricanes fluffy, cuddly names – sort of gives them a bit of a benign cloak of breeziness. What you need are names that will truly convey the terrible power of nature at its most terribly powerful.

    Alfie the Weathergirl has thought up a few more realistic names that may offer yer actual Floridian a truer perspective of the impending tempest …..

    If they still want to stick with peoples names….
    Hurricane Hitler.
    Hurricane Barbara Cartland.
    Hurricane Thatcher.
    Hurricane Beelzebub…
    And the scariest…..
    Hurricane Higgins.

    General themes …..
    Hurricane Apocalypse – soon.
    Hurricane don’t bother planning for the weekend – there isn’t one.
    Hurricane big blow job.

    Sponsored storms…
    Hurricane Beanz Meanz Bloody Windy.
    Hurricane B & Q (you’ll need us after it’s been through).
    Hurricane Stormy Weather (by Ella Fitzgerald – a compilation of 24 classic tracks on this stunning C.D.)….

    Battening down the hatches….

    Every time a hurricane is about to hit some unfortunate community, an enterprising local carpenter breaks out the 1 inch screws & quarter inch marine ply to cover the windows of clapperboard built wooden houses. Thus protecting them from 150 mile an hour winds carrying all manner of heavy metal detritus and the odd flying cow …..

    That’ll do it then.

    Thursday, September 16, 2004

    Toffs shock – they’re all oiks!

    I don’t reckon that the Burberry clad renta-toff crowd in Parliament Square yesterday were posh bods at all. Much more likely to be trouble makers, vagabonds and ne’r do wells from city council estates….

    And here’s the proof!

    Note: If they were Toffs – then they would be bleeding blue blood, obviously. All I saw was common as muck red stuff, which is very, very vulgar.

    To quote Oscar Wilde(ish) "Red is a common colour, used by Bolsheviks, Bounders, Knaves - and Manchester United fans"

    Wednesday, September 15, 2004

    Plastic Surgery ……. LIVE!

    I did something last night I’ve very rarely done in my life. Something, I’m quite, quite ashamed of.
    It was just a bit of weakness, - after all, I’m just a weak willed, easily led, man.
    I haven’t been well you see… was a fit of madness, or something?

    Yes, I must confess, I tuned into Channel 5. Not for long, obviously. Too much exposure could addle the brain. No, I just took a quick look to sample the cerebral delight of the night.

    ‘Plastic Surgery – LIVE’ was on, hosted by heavyweight Diva, Vanessa Feltz and some smartly dressed, gobby Yank – the expert in all things ‘plastic’.

    They were talking about ‘penis enhancement’ and ‘penis normalisation’….. Roll V.T. sequence – Instantly, a picture flashed up behind them. Some blokes nob – with a 90 degree, right angle bend in it. I put my half-eaten scone back on the plate.

    "Next we are going to meet ‘Darren", Vanessa bubbled.

    Darren’s – a sad, skinny, paler shade of white ‘mid twentyish something’ who had just had some ‘Buttock Implants’ levered into his previously boney arse. Darren smiled, weakly…… Roll V.T. sequence – of Darren’s bum getting the up close and personal buttock leverage treatment. Some Doctor, recently recruited from ‘Kwik-Fit’ is forcing the finely honed implants into Darren’s arse using a set of chromium plated tyre levers (‘Arse-flangers’ – per set, a price of $5,500)

    "How do you feel, Darren?"

    "Really, really great" he said, between the tears….

    The gobby Yank started to plax lyrical. He trumpeted away, about the hottest things going on in the field of creative plastic in L.A.

    "Yoweee yup and a hot diggerdy, ‘Anal Bleaching’ and ‘Vaginal Tightening’ are the ‘must have done’ procedures for the foxiest laydees, on the other side of the pond"

    I gave the scone to the dog.

    "What’s ‘Anal Bleaching?" I asked Alfreda.

    As if by magic – and to spare Alfreda’s blushes - because I bet she didn't know, Gobby Yank Junior and Van’ the Man filled in the cracks of my knowledge.

    They started talking about ‘Anal Bleaching’…. Roll V.T. sequence – a view of some young woman’s backside and crackside being liberally douched in bleach in a frothy, bleachy sort of way, with a paint brush (anal bleach applicator, price $800) and what looked like a bottle of ‘Domestos’ (special anal bleaching mixture, price $2,500 per litre).

    Vanessa, a good enough reason for not having plastic surgery, looked gobsmacked.

    The gobby Yank started on ‘Vaginal Tightening’…. Roll V.T. sequence. Another young woman, legs akimbo was having a little bit of tightening done to her front bottom.

    The dog left the scone and wandered off.

    I turned over. Suddenly, ‘Most Haunted – the bits we couldn’t include in the first showing coz they were too boring’ looked really, really interesting……..

    Monday, September 13, 2004

    Pretty vacant…..

    Been a little bit bland, a little bit grey…..a little bit neutral all last week. Creative juicery has been running on empty in Alfie’s vacant cranium as he struggled to land another client to the ever growing(ish) OK portfolio.

    I’ve been staring at a blank screen for most of that time, trying to write a stunning report on how to make the workforce of a leading food manufacturer more…… ‘enthusiastic’.

    Enthusiastic about working harder, working smarter, being more considerate…… I’ve got to try and persuade yer average cynical, British worker to bin the habits of a lifetime and start to think ‘Japanese’.

    Not much of a problem brief there then?

    I reckon turning base metal into Gold, Emile Heskey into a skilful professional footballer and persuading Tony Blair that he is not God Almighty after all, would be a hell of a lot easier…. But maybe not.

    The work’s worth a hell of a lot of cash – and we’re basically being promised a 2 year contract. It could be ‘clover fields united', 'kerrrching city' and ‘I’ll have that Merc’ – but in black, nirvana’, if we get it right……. (some hope).

    And then there’s the blog……

    ‘Vacancy’ has spread. I couldn’t think of anything to write about all last week. I was only at home to Mr Void.
    All I could think about was slogans and ideas for my ‘Considerate Worker’ campaign.

    ‘Hey workers, be more considerate – or we’ll squash your bollocks between 2 house bricks’

    That might work, maybe…..

    ‘Hey workers, how about working a bit smarter, you thick twats’…..

    Pithy became pitiful. ‘Words’ and ‘thoughts’ became ‘non’ and ‘existent’. I’d got rampant ‘Blog-block’ to go with ‘I can’t think of any idea whatsoever to land all that lovely money’ block.

    I’m sure inspiration will creep up behind me and slap me right in the face with a wet, freshly gutted haddock, real soon….

    Hey workers, start producing more – or we’ll get the Blowtorch, Pliers and the Nipple Clamps out.…..

    Talking about Nipple Clamps…..

    Some git owes 'AlfieCorp' 20 grand – and we can’t get it. Cash flow is becoming a bit of an elastic concept - in a taut ‘n’ twangy kind of way. The Anti-Christ – in the form of Vincent Arthur Trumpton, (or Mr VAT, for short) is circling with menaces and destraint orders. Do I dig out the baseball bats, become ’Alfie the Enforcer’ and confront the git? – Do I stick a blue striped tea towel on my head and become ’Alfie the Mother Teresa’ for the VAT man?

    Hey workers, don’t behave like gits – stick a blue striped tea towel on your head instead…..

    Sure fire winner….