Thursday, July 29, 2004

SuperGlue from Siam

We had a very intellectual little discussion with our extended family last weekend. The gin flowed. The subject was 'Pets in the Home' - and the responsibilities of the pet owner. The dangers of keeping exotics, those sad people that keep 15 million little dogs in their end terrace house and other cruelty issues......

The intellectual mood was somewhat blown out of the water when our 19 year old year old niece who had said nothing, suddenly blurted out how disgusting she thought it was that some people, "Some people breed Siamese Cats"......

Everyone looked a bit puzzled.

"You know, they breed Siamese Cats ......... Ones that are joined together".....

I just couldn't make it up.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Make over…..

Yesterday, I visited a client who is putting on a Gay Festival this Autumn. He wants me to produce appropriate logo, poster and programme designs – he wants the colour ‘pink’, feather boas and more pink – with pink highlights to figure prominently in anything we do. 'Alfie the broadminded and at ease with his feminine side' is confident that he can pull it off. (However, 'Alfie the double-entendre' cannot believe he just said that).

It sort of all went swimmingly during the meeting, I had produced some striking initial ideas for discussion. Unforrtunately, my idea of 'striking' didn't tally with the client's perspective and they were consigned to the file called 'waste paper' – Goodbye to style and celebration, hello to nipple chains, black leather sequined jockstraps and pink boas – he wants it as camp as a jamboree…….

I got the brief and made a move to leave – just as I got to the door, the client called me back. He thought I could do with some background reference material – and thrust several copies of ‘Bent’ - ‘a specialist magazine for the gay man’ into my hand. I casually thumbed through – guys with bright neon trunks, guys with washboard stomachs, guys with fetishes and guys with other guys adorned the glossy pages. "Hmmmmmn, great" I said, "Very helpful"…..

Alfie the ‘these aren’t my magazines, I’ve got them purely for research purposes only' drove back to the office very, very carefully.

Leg over

In view of the latest sex revelations regarding that Scandinavian stud muffin, Shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, I thought it prudent to check with Alfreda that the England Manager with the roving briefs hadn’t practised his wizard dribbling all over her. She had after all, visited IKEA last week.

Phew, that’s a relief, she doesn’t like men with heads as shiny as an eight ball – but I bet Dave Beckham’s a worried man……

Lego over

Monster losses have just been announced by Lego, the Danish Toy Conglomerate – they’re blaming the more sexy computer and video games producers for the massive loss of market share. Apparently, little Tommy just isn’t interested in the mind-expanding toy any more – he’d rather waste aliens or whatever on his computer.

Lego bosses are worried, wringing their plazzy brick-laden hands as sales plummet.

Alfie the think tank guru to the rescue here I think….. Lego should bring out a whole new kit ‘Build your own Lego Computer’

Can’t you just picture it – a keyboard and screen with knobbly bits all over it? Colours? Optional as long as they are yellow or red.

Suggested Lego computer game titles include:

Make my day punk, build a digital building.

Grand thrift, Lego.

One million uses for one million digital bricks.

Alien attack – and you’ve only got time to knock up a brightly coloured digital defensive brick wall….