Thursday, October 21, 2004

Pigs in muck….

Later today, MPs at Westminster will (reluctantly) publish their ‘expenses’. Filed under ‘Fantasy’ – sub-section ‘Cornucopia’, I reckon they’ll have a right old problem trying to persuade Jonny Voter that they are not screwing the system.

Never let it be said that Alfie the politician-hater is not objective and fair minded in his criticism of the mother of Parliaments and its incumbents. I’m sure, that 50 grand claim for Gold leaf Post-It notes is entirely valid…..

Ever searching for fountain of even handedness, Alfie the nosey sod has had a sneaky dip into the most creative work of fiction this year.

I didn’t have much time – so I obviously went to the top…. Under ‘B’ for ‘B’stard’ and ‘Blair’ (same thing really)..

‘Tony Blair’ – to the purchase of books –
‘You too walk can like a Texan’ £95
‘How to find out if you really are the second-coming’ £30
‘Blagging holidays from the rich, famous & gullible’ £145

To the purchase of Postal correspondence courses –
‘Making the most of your pregnant pauses’ £5,540
‘Sincerity – made easy’ (Advanced Course) £3,500
‘You too can fool all of the people all of the time’ £4,000

Pension contributions – Nil (no need to as job comes with index linked £110k p.a.)

Toupee Allowance – Pending

Smoke and Mirrors Allowance – Overspent by several billion

Plastic Surgery - £35,000 (injury caused by too much self satisfied smirking wore out facial muscles)

Lottery Syndicate expenditure – Nil (already won jackpot twice, in 1997 and 2001)

Bung, sorry 'Donation' – To one, Pope John Paul for the beautification of 'St Tony of Iraqia' – plus 10,000 ‘Hail Marys’- £15,000,000

Clothing Allowance – Tee-shirts with the moniker "Hello, I’m Tony Blair – and you really can trust me" - £3,400

Spouse Allowance – pending, one bed space @ home for the insane.

Personally, I’m wondering just how much Boris Johnson paid on e-Bay for the gross of grovelling apologies he’s been using like there’s no tomorrow…..

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

John Prescott – a suitable case for treatment….

The rather grandly named ‘East of England Regional Assembly’ has ever so diligently, rubber stamped the latest bid to festoon England in breeze block, tarmac and concrete.

This unelected, self basting, non representative QANGO; led by the nose, told what, when and how to do it by chunky-boy John Prescott and his footpads are poised to play the role of willing turkeys voting for Christmas. They’ve gone from ‘NIMBYs’ – to ‘FALLGUYs’ – and sold the present incumbents of the area right down the swanee in the process. Following Prescott’s lead and powers of persuasion, ("ere matey boy, get those 'ouses built or I'll chin yer") they’ve voted for 500,000 houses to be shoved up in and around the M11 corridor from Cambridge southwards.
Huge swathes of East Anglia are at risk.
Huge salaries for public servants are guaranteed.
Huge pensions funds for said public servants are as good as matured.
The huge ego of chunky-boy Prescott is mindlessly massaged.

The QANGO’s gormless leader, complete with '70's comb over, (and with Prescott’s hand up his jacksy) when interviewed last Friday morning waffled on about the usual suspects, "Key workers, Nurses, Teachers, cost effective housing, good for development……."

Then came the buzzword ‘coup de grace’, "Sustainable development this, sustainable development that, sustainable development the other"… Obviously, the rest of the Country is wallowing in unsustainable development, because they are not intent on changing the landscape from green and pleasant to grey and repellent.

Hertfordshire and Essex County Councils are not happy - you can hardly blame them can you? Hertfordshire, is currently the most overcrowded County in England – and despite their protestations about being able to take any more people have been told that they must take another 72,000 houses. Essex has been told they must take another 131,000 houses.

Hertfordshire council said in a statement that a shadow had fallen over the county.

A County spokesman said: "Decisions about the future of Hertfordshire are being made by an unelected body that does not properly represent the people of Hertfordshire." He said powers for strategic planning had been taken away from the county councils and given to a regional body which was pushing them through at the behest of the government."

This seems to me the perfect illustration of how a 'Regional Government' fashioned from the nightmare imagination of John Prescott would work. Manipulated by Central Government to do their bidding - they'll give 'muppetry' a whole new meaning. They'll also ride roughshod over any local considerations - look at Hertfordshire! It is also worth noting that this mendacious Government has set up all over England, secret little Regional Assemblies in waiting. Full of busy bodies, full of expense accounts, full of Kermits with hands up their collective backsides.... North East of England take note - and vote 'No' in your forthcoming referendum.

We at Alfie HQ give the people of East Anglia our unstinting support in their fight against this latest short-sighted project. Surely, the planting of the chunky-boy Prescott’s Gulag extravaganza in one of the most scenic and productive areas of the Country is not right. All it will do is pour more petrol onto an already white-hot South Eastern economy – whilst housing stock in the rest of the Country crumbles to dust.

We at Alfie HQ believe this Government is the most centralist ever. Our hearts bleed as myopia becomes the mantra of chunky-boy and his footpads – and my Country gets trashed again, on the pyre of Prescott and the Ministry of the absurd.

Note to the Project Manager: You cannot just build 500,000 new houses without building new everything else. That’ll include schools, hospitals, prisons, factories, business parks, roads, railways, sewerage farms, reservoirs, etc. That’ll then mean in 20 years time, there’ll be another acute housing shortage in the area ….. Time to get the trowel out again then?

Depressed, we all surely should be.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Coming soon to a bookshop near you……

I was listening to the radio the other day. The interviewer was talking to a bloke who was about to publish 'The Book of Sporting Put-Downs’…. Basically, it's the art of insult - out in the sporting arena. The usual suspects are all there - masters of the putdown quoted within the book include Ali, Brian Clough and Roy Keene.

The interviewer read out a few memorable examples - and then his favourite from the book –
Ferocious Aussie fast bowler, Glenn McGrath had just clean bowled a hapless Zimbabwean batsman. His rather rotund, non athletic replacement ambled out to the wicket.

McGrath anxious to unsettle the new batsman, glowered at him and hissed "Hey tubby, why are you so f***ing fat?"

The chubby Zimbabwean batsman thought a bit, then replied "Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit"…

Well, it made me laugh…..