Thursday, January 27, 2005

Britain doesn’t need this Merchant Banker…….

Yesterday morning, on Breakfast Tee Vee, a guy from the NHS made an impassioned nation-wide plea.

Alfie, always anxious to rally to the flag – as long as it doesn’t involve killing anyone or invading a third world, oil-rich country; pricked up his ears.

Alfreda noticed something was up. "What you doing?" she asked.

"I’m doing a bit of ear pricking"……

All of a sudden, Lord Kitchener's beady gaze, joke moustache and big pointy leather clad digit hove into my minds eye. Britain needs me. Looks like it’s time to do my ‘bit’ for the good of good old Blighty. The guy on the telly is going on about the national shortage of ‘sperm’….. "Britain needs more sperm" said the man.

Wow – a national sperm shortage … who’d have thought it? I always reckoned we'd cornered the global market. After all, this Country is choc full of Merchant Bankers isn't it? - Mostly working in the Palace of Westminster I reckon!....
The man on the telly – an expert in all things spermological, waxed lyrical about the possible causes….. I haven’t a clue what he was going on about, but I’m sure tight undies, too much Super Strength Lager, live Premier League footy on the telly - and too many ugly birds in pubs and clubs are at least partly responsible for the falling fertility of yer average British male….. – And hence the shortfall of sperm deliveries to fertility clinics.

They need help. They need my help – and lots of it, preferably in little specimen jars.

Well!…… At last, a solo activity I can do pretty damn well – in fact, I’m a bloody expert at it – and now there’s a demand for it…… Serendipity or what!
I resolve to help, well it’s my dooooty isn’t it? Beside which, they are giving out £15 quid for every shot … if you know what I mean. - and in the process (and a lot of stamina) I’ll populate half the Country with little Okayers – what a legacy, what a gift!

I hope everyone appreciates just how much Alfie is about to sacrifice for the good of the Country – I mean, it’s a rotten job – but someone’s got to do it. I’m risking real health problems - repetitive strain injury, blindness and wobbly writing syndrome...….

The Professor of everything spermy reads out an emergency phone number……

I ring.
They don’t want me.
"But I’ve got experience – and a proven track record"
They still don’t want me.
"But I’ve got an entire mountain of ‘product’ – entirely at your disposal"
They really, really don’t want me.
"But I’ve got 4 strapping lads – added together we could make a bloody good five-a-side footy team"
They laugh – and ask if any of my sons are over 25 – because if they are – they’ll take them instead.
"Well they’re not – so you’ll have to make do with me"
They don’t want me and they won’t make do with me – because I’m too bloody old. They want guys between 25 and 40…..

I didn’t realise Merchant Bankering was such an exclusive activity…….. they’ll be taxing it next.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And they didn’t even say "McThanks"….

I don’t know, you try to help a global multinational – and what happens? You just get McBlanked.

About 25 years ago, ‘Alfie, the eyes of a myopic hawk’ drove into a McDonald’s fast ‘food’ outlet and noticed a real spelling McHowler. Well it wasn’t strictly speaking a ‘howler’, more a bloody irritation as ‘Alfie the defender of the O.E.D.’ – became so choc full of self righteous indignation that he almost choked on his McSlurry with sesame seed bun, gherkins, side salad of grass and cup of fizzy soot.

The problem? I’d driven through a ‘Drive Thru’…..
What the hell does ‘Thru’ mean? What’s happened to ‘o’, ‘g’, and ‘h’? Although Alfie felt powerless to do anything at the time, years of exposure to more McCrap products than you can shake a soggy gherkin at, has left him with a deep resentment of anything McSpelt.

Ire finally got the best of me – so I banged off a helpful letter to McDonald’s McH-McQ – somewhere in McLondon pointing out the error of their ways. The letter had more irony in it than a six-month load of Alfreda’s least favourite creased-clothed Sunday chore.

To: Mr McDonald,
Director of McCustomer McCommunication -

"Blah, blah, blah, I just thought I should point out something to you - I have noticed an error outside a few of your Restaurants.

It concerns the service where a car driver can order a McDonald's meal without getting out of his car. The service in question is the McDonald's 'Drive Thru' ..... Surely, there is a spelling mistake here isn't there?

Shouldn't it be 'Drive Through' ........?"

I’m sure this has been an oversight – and probably happened long ago when a dullard student working in the McSignage department during his Summer McHolidays made a colossal spelling mistake. Perfect and thoughtful employers that McDonald’s are – and anxious to give him some sort of empowerment he was probably tasked with ordering 500 ‘Drive Through’ signs – "to go".

I blame the liberal, LSD fuelled corduroy jacketed goody two shoed education system of the mid seventies – and the disastrous experimentation with ‘phonetic spelling'….Blah, blah, blah"

I’m still waiting for an explanation – and I’m not holding my McBreath. What a bunch of McTossers……

The coming of the lard…….

The most depressing day of the year has just taken a surprising turn. January the 25th, is the day designated by experts in depression as being the most depressing in the whole year!

I can believe it. No money, cold, miserable and devoid of my well-intended intentions to loose a bit of weight – the only thing in an expansive mood today is my much under pressure trouser belt.

Alfie is feeling sadder, fatter and skinter than a big sad, fat, skint man ……. Or at least I was up till I got a spammo email from someone called ‘Verda Martinez’ at 2:15pm this afternoon.

I opened it and read away…..

Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours

As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!

Perform Weddings, Funerals, Perform Baptisms, Forgiveness of Sins

Visit Correctional Facilities

Want to start your own church?


Do I want to start my own church?

Do I really want to forgive sinners?

Would I have to wear a long dress?

Would I have to suspend my wild sex life for a life of contemplation and the development of a well-muscled right arm?

On balance, I think I’ll give this too good to be true offer the boot. I just don’t think that the church of Latter Day Lardy Arsed Alfie Atheists will catch on…..

Monday, January 24, 2005

Times tirade….

I bunged off my first ever letter to ‘The Times’, today. The reason? An article in Saturday’s ‘paper discussing the seats at risk from minority parties at the next election.

Little symbols spread across a map of the UK, illustrated just which seats were at risk from local pressure groups. Scottish Nationals had a little thistle, students were represented by a mortar-board and the hunting lobby had a red coated toff jumping over a fence. I also noticed three or four little fluttering St George’s flags planted around different parts of England.

I looked at the key to the graphic. Next to the fluttery flag was the somewhat derogatory title ‘Little England’……Underneath was a little explanation about where ‘UKIP’ and the ‘BNP’ could win marginal seats.

I went mad. In one fell swoop, I became Mrs Pissed-Off from Tunbridge Wells in all her tweedy finery. I get real sick of so-called intelligent media people constantly linking the flag of my Country to extremist and reactionary views. But especially to extremist and reactionary political parties with extremist and reactionary views. I wouldn’t mind but UKIP and the BNP are both parties with strong Union Jack branding – so why choose the flag of England?

I bet, even now the Editor is falling on his sword – and who knows, my letter might actually get printed – I’ll keep you posted………

24 hour party people…….

I of course refer to the impending relaxed licensing laws for England and Wales. I am definitely in favour of it….. Some of Westminster’s finest are a bit unsure however. Our noble MPs reckon that we may not be able to handle a drink at midnight, or 2 in the morning or whatever.

Some of them reckon that there are health and binge drinking issues to be considered – some are advocating a hike in the cost of buying a drink….

The Government have reacted to the growing hysteria by saying that it won’t actually mean 24 hour licenses – just flexibility. Richard Caborne, Minister for Sport and licensing says that "nowhere in the UK will you be able to have a licence that lasts 24 hours"……

Hmmmm, that statement is, to say the least a bit economical with the truth isn’t it Richard? I think I can find one place that has had a 24 hour license for years and years and years and years ….. and sells its alcohol at heavily subsidised rates.

The answer is obvious isn’t it? – Oh yes, it’s the best club in town, the Palace of Westminster – truly a place for 24-hour Party people….