Thursday, December 23, 2004

Stop Press! Menage a trois explained….

Cast of 'Menage'
Kimberly Quinn - Rich, young American bint - quite fit.
Simon Hoggard - Witty columnist and author - pear shaped body, moon shaped boat.
David Blunkett - Former Secretary from Sheffield, choc full of self importance - bolshy.

Brace yourself…. one of these three people is completely blind.

Judging by the state of the two men, my money is on the bird.

What is wrong with wealthy young American, Kimberly Quinn?
Why have affairs with Blunkett and Hoggard?
Doesn’t she have any taste?
Maybe she just likes a bit of rough…..
But let’s be honest, there’s ‘a bit of rough’ – then there’s ‘dog rough, then ‘yikes’ then ‘scraping the barrel’…..

I reckon these 2 ‘ugly sisters’ live somewhere under the barrel…..

I wonder if she’d be interested in a sort of ‘OK’ guy, with GSOH, non smoker. Almost blind, with glasses resembling milk bottle bottoms, can sometimes be mistaken for ‘Plug’ from the Bash Street Kids. Loves power, was seen only this morning bullying an old lady in the M&S food counter…….

Move over Blunkett, Alfie’s pulled!

Anyway, Merry Christmas from me and Kimberly…..

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Today’s the day….

Go and have a beer to celebrate, because today’s the day!
Seasonally Acquired Disorder (S.A.D.) gives way to ‘H.A.P.P.Y.’ as the big guy in the sky starts to work up a sweat and lightens up a bit.

From now on he’s getting higher up in the firmament and it’s downhill all the way, all the way to those long warm summery days of June, fluttery butterflies and chilled gee and tee’s.

For today is the Winter Solstice. Tomorrow, the daylight will last just a bit longer……… I’m feeling better already.

Outrageous discrimination…..

I thought overt discrimination was a thing of the past - but early evening telly has shaken me right down to my smug, pseudo liberal tree hugging, pc pandering Hush Puppies…..

An advert for the ‘OveGlove’ caught my eye. Coated in ‘Kevlar’ and purest ‘Nomex’ (whatever that is) you could plunge your OveGloved hand straight into the Sun itself and hardly break into a sweat…. Apparently, it’s great for the oven, BBQ and other hot surfaces. So far so good. The problem is, they come in packs of ‘one’ – which is just fine for all you one armed people. But what about all us bi-handers, we’re blessed with a full set of hands. One OveGlove just doesn’t cut the mustard. It only fulfils 50% of my total requirement……..

Solutions for this conundrum? Well, cut one hand off – or buy 2 separate ‘OveGloves’……..

I don’t know about you – but I reckon the manufacturers should have been a bit more even-handed……….

A joke for Christmas…..

I saw this on a message board today –

Two dyslexic blokes outside a cake shop. One says to the other – "Can you smell mince pies?"….

"Smell mince pies? I can’t even smell my own name"….

Monday, December 20, 2004

‘The Court Jester’
- that old fifties film starring Danny Kaye is on Sky Movies on Christmas Day.

A medieval tale given the typical Hollywood treatment, I saw it when I was a kid – and remember laughing my socks off when Kaye was trying to remember advice given to him on which cup had the poison in it – and which was safe to drink…..

Hawkins: I've got it! I've got it!
The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle;
the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?

Griselda: Right. But there's been a change:
they broke the chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: They broke the chalice from the palace?

Griselda: And replaced it with a flagon.

Hawkins: A flagon...?

Griselda: With the figure of a dragon.

Hawkins: A flagon with a dragon?

Griselda: Right.

Hawkins: But did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?

Griselda: No!!! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon!
The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!

Hawkins: The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon;
the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Griselda: Just remember that.