Saturday, February 28, 2004

Crabs - the facts.......

Apparently, 10 million monster super-crabs are on their way to our shores from northern Russia. They're the bovver boys of the crustacean crew eating everything in their path and leaving absolutely nothing behind. They have a claw span of 3 feet and can easily snip off a man's finger.

A Government spokesman has applauded their imminent arrival as a welcome addition to our dinner plate. "These Crustaceans will add to our multi culinary experience" he said. The Opposition have called for controls to be imposed stating that these foreigners will take dinner plate space from our own, home grown crabs. Certain right wing 'red tops' are stirring the issue with such inflammatory headlines as 'Crabs - they'll swamp us and snip off our men's fingers' ........ 'Foreign crabs - so tough they are not even taking the £2 air ticket from EasyJet - they're walking here!' and 'Crabs - over here, in our underwear and on the dole?'

Me? I'm off to check my undie - crackers, very, very carefully….

Friday, February 27, 2004

Buildings going up, costs going upperer ….

Well there you go. Just when I was feeling wearisome, and then weary, some more, along comes an old and faithful friend to restore my faith in the never ending arrogance and self centred interest of our trough squabbling politicians.

Yes, it’s that old monetary black hole – the Scottish Parliament Building. Originally estimated at £40 million quid, yesterday they lobbed another £30 mill’ onto the equation to run up a revised estimate of £430 million. That’s nearly 11 times the original finger in the air.

Of course, all your Scottish MPs are shouting "Foul."
Unfortunately, none of them are shouting "Use cheaper materials" or "Haggle them down" or "Sod this, let’s meet in the local pub, mine’s a pint o’ heavy"

Alfie the lateral thinker has helpfully come up with a few suggestions where costs may be trimmed.

1) Dump the handmade silk toilet vellum and use quartered pieces of The Sun newspaper instead. That way, a useful recycling policy would be initiated and a salient political comment to Rupert Murdoch would also be made.

2) Sack the 3 star Michelin Chef – eat neeps and tatties, porridge and scotch pies instead. Wash the whole lot down with a can of Tennents Special Brew.

3) When important decisions need to be taken, instead of having the rigmarole of members voting, simply toss a coin – or even a caber to decide the outcome.

4) Instead of continuing to build this demonic democratic monster – simply remodel it, into the shape of our biggest Pachyderm. Paint it white and label it ‘The Jumbo Parliament’ (and they say satire is dead!)

’Bath time’ is an elastic concept…..

I bet Inspector Clouseau would have rumbled it. But apparently the contractors tasked to paint the brand spanking new Millennium Bath Spa in the ancient spa town of Bath didn’t.

The thoughtfully named ‘Millennium Bath Spa’ is running a bit late for its opening night. Or maybe it’s running ahead of schedule? After all, it doesn’t say in the title exactly which millennium it refers to. It could be 4 years late or 996 years early

No, the Contractors didn’t realise that the sort of paint you need to coat the inside of a bath spa was the sort that needs to repel water – and not welcome it through with open arms.

I don’t know, maybe they thought that they were painting the inside of a shop – the ‘New Spar Supermarket in Bath’…. Whistling "So near so Spar" as they painted away…..

Meanwhile, the good burghers of Bath are getting fed up with the delay incurred by the alleged incompetence of the painting contractors. But there has been no word yet on whether the hammer beamed thatched roof, mud floors and wattle & daub walls are up to spec…..

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I couldn't possibly comment.....

Someone emailed me this little ditty - it's not p.c. - but it made me smile a bit.


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

A glass half full.......

Bloody hell, it’s getting harder and harder to moan about anything lately. I’ve been sucking on my HB, looking at a blank piece of paper thinking vitriol for days and days – but all to no avail. Everything in the UK garden is just bloody fine thanks very much. Tony’s looking immaculate. His comb over strategy seems to be working (except on windy days, obviously). John Prescott appears to have had a jowl makeover and is looking very sylph like nowadays (except when he’s storing some meat and potato pies in them, obviously). I don’t even have much of a problem with that young pup Prince Edward. He’s having a well deserved skiing holiday after his exhaustive fact finding trips to the USA and the golden beaches of the West Indies (well someone’s got to do it, obviously).

The Inland Revenue owe me money - and have admitted to doing so. Trains are running on time and staffed by happy smiley people. All motorway work has been completed and traffic jams are now a thing of the past.

I even saw Cherie Blair on the telly, God, she’s looking a foxily, sexy laydee alright.

I think I really do need help.


Seeing that hush, hush organisation MI5 are looking for another 1,000 people – I’ve decided to chuck my C.V. into the dossier named ‘Secret Agent’ and apply.

I rang them up for an application form.

"Hello, is that Em fifteen?"

"MI5, sir"

"Whatever. Can I have an Application Form then please?"

"I’ll just take a few details, full name please."

"Certainly, Alfred B. Theok"

"And the ‘B’ – what does the ‘B’ stand for?

Hello, hello are you still there?"