Friday, January 16, 2004

The Sound of Silence by John Cage, 'performed' tonight by the RPO and broadcast on BBC Radio 3... An appraisal by Alfie the critique.....

Thankyou, but don't just take my word for it - 'hear' it yourself, tune in tonight. Don't worry if you miss it, I'm sure a CD is even now being banged out.

The Mea Culpa Club – membership strictly restricted…….

Just watching Geoff ‘buff’ Hoon donning his tin hat and taking cover, busily reading the Rev’ Blair’s Gideon bible – he’s on the holy chapter ‘Itwasntmeguvidicus’. It looks like they’ll have to prise his hands off the seal of office and his bum off the seat of power to get rid of him – after all, he’s hardly likely to say "OK, fair cop, I’m a complete and utter cretin" – is he?

I mean, I bet Geoff’s a nice bloke, someone you’d trust to pull you a decent pint at your local – but not to organise a delivery 35,000 pairs of desert boots or indeed, flak jackets and stuff….

It got me thinking – when was the last time, the very last time that a British politician jacked it in, declared his innings, called time on his tenure, shouted last orders….. because he had made an unforgivable error of judgement. Completely ‘cocked up’ for want of a better phrase. "I’ve had a meeting with the Prime Minister… after much consultation, both he and I agree that I have made an unforgivable mistake and furthermore that I am an utter, utter prat. I resigned 2 seconds before he would have sacked me, I intend to follow a career in television"…..

So who was it then? What with our terrific crop of noble politicians it can’t be that hard can it? After all they’re all human – ergo, they make mistakes, don’t they? So, if they do make a mistake, you'd expect them to go, right?

Hmmmmmmm, now let me think, who was the last Minister to fall on their sword shaped portfolios for the crime of cock-up?


Robin Cook and Clare Short – resigned over Iraq.
Estelle Morris – said she "Didn’t enjoy it any more"
Stephen Byers – sacked by the Rev’
Alan Milburn – wanted to spend more time with his family
Sir Norman Fowler – said he had a young family
Michael Hesteltine – jacked it in over a row about Westland…
Cecil Parkinson – Love child scandal
Lord Lampton – sacked for smoking hash and bedding laidees of the night.
John Profumo – ditto to above, apart from the spliff.

And so it goes on, Government Ministers are sacked for stupidity, seeing the light, smoking the dope, bedding the floozy, realising they have a family or getting all principled ….

I’ve wracked and wracked my grey matter. The last Minister I can think of to say "I’m a divvy, get me out of here" is Lord Carrington in 1982 – that’s 22 years ago for God’s sake!

Note that Carrington was not an elected MP. Perversely he was a very able Minister who took his eye off the ball. The forces of Argentina invaded South Georgia and that was it. Even then he had to insist to Thatcher that she accept his resignation.

When interviewed later, Lord Carrington said "Mea Culpa"… Nuff said.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Working, resting and typing….

Treated myself to a very tasty, Mars bar today. It enabled me to work, rest and play…. great! A real filling lifter if ever there was one, frozen rivulets of milk chocolate, toffee and a light caramel filling subtly interfused with some Beagley bits.

Must contact mutton chopped scientist and part time Wurzel Gummidge extra, Prof’ Colin Pillinger and tell him I’ve found it….. Int’ British Technology brilliant – cutting edge, in a boffiny-Meccano, sticky-backed plastic and Sqeezy bottle kind of way….

The very Rev’ Tony Blair .....

The renowned Missionary, the very Rev’ Blair performed his latest meeting with the natives at his Mission today. The Rev’ uttered various zeal laden beliefs from the scriptures on his God given (Rupert Murdoch) path to bring the natives out of The Darkness and into The Busted…..

"Can we just wait until this enquiry, that report and the other whitewash committee publish their findings…"

Yea - verily Tone, just seen you on the telly doing your very informative (not) press conference from 10 Downing Street – you look shit, in a close to death, temperature of 105 degree sort of way. It’s more, much more than the realisation that your smoke and mirrors are about to be blown out of the water. You look positively ill, you look like someone is smiting you down from afar……. "With this instrument I thee smite you most smotily!!!"

Looks like my Christmas stocking filler, a DIY voodoo doll kit is paying dividends then …….. now for the coup de grace, just off to get the blowtorch, pliers and six inch nails…..

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Did you just hear that?

Blimey Moses, can you believe it?
Were you listening to Simon Mayo on Radio fivelive today?
The time was about 1:45pm and Simes was grilling 3 Westminster MPs. The pomposity indicator was reaching dangerously high levels as Alan Duncan(Tory), Mathew Taylor(LibDems) and some anonymous slimy toadying Labour geezer who I've never heard of and can't remember... But let's call him 'Gollum' - were all blustering away ad nauseum.

I was vaguely listening, wondering just how they can split 2 brain cells between 3 MPs when Mr Gollum, MP for Mordor South said the words...
THE bloody words that drive me abso-bloody-lutely bananas. Gollum slimed out "Now, let me make this absolutely clear"........ AAAAGGGGGHHHH.

I slapped out an email to Simon..... "Blah, blah, blah, blah outraged, blah, blah, disgusted, blah, blah, pompous Westminster arses, blah, blah, get a proper job blah, blah".

Two minutes later, Simes was reading it out ON AIR in all its pithy, paxmanesque glory. No reaction from Gollum - he was probably hiding under a stone quivering in abject terror. Sorted!

Robin Day's successor is alive and well and living in self delusional isolation....

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Are you glad to see me, or is that £160 million quid in your pocket?……

Conrad Black, press mogul and plutocrat businessman is in a bit of a stew. When I say ‘stew’, I mean up to his armpits in a brown, oozing, sticky, gooey, gravy-dumpling gack.

The proprietor of The Telegraph Group of newspapers and head of the international business group ‘Hollinger’ has apparently mislaid 160 million quid….. Just like that – He had it in his hand, put it down on the desk to make a cup of tea – turned round and it was gone!

Conrad, mate - it’s easily done – and easily fixed. A similar black hole occurred at the ‘AlfieCorp’ headquarters. Can you believe it? Someone had been raiding the petties tin, no doubt buying Gypsy Creams instead of Malted milk…. It’s a slippery slope alright, due to this over indulgence The AlfieCorp coffers were light to the tune of 160 quid.

Such was the panic, ‘AlfieCorp’s share price hit the deck on the ‘CRAPDAQ’ index faster than Emile Heskey after a bruising encounter with an over stuffed eiderdown pillow.

Creative bookkeeping is the answer, Conrad. Claim on a few pub lunches, fill your car with 8 quids worth of petrol, insist on a written receipt then cunningly write ‘000,000 after the ‘8’. There, you’ve now got a petrol receipt for 8 million quid! Pub receipts can be treated the same way. What was £65 becomes, with a judicious bit of forgery £65,000,000. – or over a third of the missing cash. You only need a few of these to wipe the debt out completely!

In the unlikely event of anyone challenging your receipts, just tell them you filled the tank right up - plus the 2 plastic petrol carriers in the boot….. or that you chose a few really nice bottles of ‘House Red’ to go with your pub lunch rather than a couple of pints of lager.

I can’t see why this wouldn’t work – after all it did the trick for us and our 160 quid.

Alfie ‘the Savvy’, CEO of ‘AlfieCorp’ has withdrawn from merger talks with Italian Dairy and Food producing giant - Parmalat. Mr Savvy said "The milk was off".

Monday, January 12, 2004

We wish Kilroy was here……..

In view of the suspension of Robert Kilroy-Silk by the BBC, several other TV stations are reported to be eagerly chasing the signature of the great double-barrelled tour de force.... possibly.

Picture the scene at TVCorp’s executive think tank lounge. Ptolomy Theakston-Willoughby is chairing a meeting of his brightest, youngest creme de la creamiest gurus. The problem on the agenda – how to solve their moribund morning slot……..

"Look luvs, Kilroy is hot, hot, hot! The Beeb has blown him out, more fool them! We can offer him a deal, a great deal! People will flock to his show if…if we can offer him the right package.

"We’re talking controversy….

"We’re talking big, big guests"…

"What, like Vanessa Feltz?"

"We’re talking an a.m. programme of R and J proportions"

"R and J?"

"Richard and Judy!"

"We’re talking a total mega morning revamp situation for our a.m. schedules. We want a title…. Something that keeps Kilroy’s name in it……so people, let’s brain storm, let’s think out of the box, let's salute the flagpole and let’s press that envelope for all its worth!"…

"And let’s do it now!"

"OK, we’ll need something snappy, something to go with his name… something like ’controversial’ - with a k - because Kilroy is ‘Kontroversial’…

"Now we’re getting somewhere…. But we’ll need another word for the title….. Kilroy, what does he do?… he talks, right….. he’s a great ‘communicator’ isn’t he?

"That’s it, we’ve only gone and bloody-well done it!
Kilroy Komminucates……. Bloody brilliant!!

"Gentlemen, I believe we have our title….
Kontroversial Kilroy Kommunicates …. Or K.K.K. for short"………………………........

Hmmmmm, I wonder what Des O’Connor is doing…