Friday, August 22, 2003

I didn’t know that ……..

I didn’t know that big ‘G’ – (God) was a fan of that fantastically technical event – ‘The triple jump’.

Well he is! Jonathan Edwards, World and Olympic Champion says so. Apparently ‘God’ said to Jonathan - and I paraphrase from his ‘shock’ news conference, where he announced his ‘shock’ retirement – "God wants me to retire, I am in great shape, but God has said ENOUGH ALREADY, so that’s it, a fantastically lucrative career in religious broadcasting beckons".

Just imagine, God toiling away doing the bizz for 6 days, all the time thinking "I must create a really great sport …… something to remind me of ‘The Son, The Father and The Holy Ghost……… something with a ‘3’ in it, hmmmmm".

"Lordy! I’ve got it – 3 pin bowling!"

I didn’t know that ……

70’s advertising techniques were still in use – until I saw the 118 – 118 moustachioed David Bedford lookalikes prancing around on my screen. I half expected the ‘Shake and Vac’ lady to make an appearance.

It’s nice to know they are really thinking about us though. In order to make a scouser, geordie, or brummy more easily understood they are utilising call centres in India and The Philippines to service our directory enquiries……… Obviously nothing to do with saving a ton of cash and exploiting desperate people in third world Countries then.

I didn’t know that ………

British train company executives were as thick as the thickest members of the Thick family from the most retarded area of the Planet ‘Dense’.

How else do you explain all the helpful maintenance work on the network over the busiest three days of the year?

On second thoughts, that isn’t true, I really DID know they were that thick.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Virtually real…….

Cousin Jonny, has just returned from a trip to Florida, successfully tying up the loose ends on the purchase of his latest acquisition. It’s a brand spanking new beachside home, costing about $185,000 spondulas.

Jonny is an Essex boy. His everyday job is working for his local Council. It’s steady, but it could hardly be called a cash cow of a job, so how does he do it?

Before you can say ‘Condo Cashamundo’ - the answer is E-bay. Jonny earns a fortune from the virtual market place that is E-bay. What do you think is the speciality that the World can’t get enough of? What is the global commodity that is Jonny’s ‘nice little earner’. The way he is going on, this time next year he will be a millionaire…..

It’s Chopper Bicycles, the naff 1970’s street culture mean machines. But who is buying them – who would want a horrible 30 year old heap of rust? Apparently plenty! He’s shipping them all over the place, Japan, USA, Germany, Stoke on Trent ….. So far, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell hasn’t yet stepped in to block any exports in order to save them for the Nation – but you never know……

I’ve no idea where he gets them from, but go to his large Essex spread and it’s chopper nirvana. Wall to wall choppers is not something that I really want to get into - I am happy with my 'Raleigh Roadster'. But they obviously turn some people on.

It’s got me thinking though, if he can earn a fortune from 70’s scrap then surely I can find my own little nest egg? What to sell, what to sell? ………….. Anybody want to buy a BetaMax video recorder – I’ve got a whole garage full........