"Hello, my name is Chalky Blair – and I claim my free 5 star holiday in your luxury villa in Tuscany"……

Tone’s back from his 5 week holibob cadgathon …… Phew, thank bloody God for that. We can all uncross our fingers and stop praying quite so hard now that the Father of the Nation and his mad wife are back at the tiller of Steamship ‘Busted Flush’ How on earth did we survive on our own with the ‘Great Smiley One’ in abstentia? ( Abstentia is an exclusive private estate in Tuscany)

Their holiday snaps were a bit of a laugh. We had Cap’n Tone with a yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on board somebody else’s dreamily expensive yacht in the Caribbean.

Four square and square jawed Tony peering peerlessly out on the vast emptiness of the ocean – whilst behind him servile, not so jolly Jack Tars scurry around actually sailing it. The trouble with being on a boat though is that just occasionally, a bit of a wind can whip up from nowhere. A few pictures escaped ‘Blair-censor-corp’ and revealed the Blair Barnet to not be in such a healthily hirsute state as it should be…. Tone’s getting a bit thin on top….

Then there was ‘Bandanna Gate’ The pictures of Tone and ‘MadCherie’ strolling around with a bandanned Berlusconi was real weird. I mean, it was like a capped teeth convention for 3 self-delusional psychos.

You could almost see Blair’s angst through sparklingly clenched gnashers… "Listen Cherie, just smile, let him and his bandanna go a few steps in front - and people will think he’s not with us.

Meanwhile, inside the head of ‘Bandanna world’ …. "Mama mia, if I canna just walka a bitta quicka – I thinka I canna loosa King and Queen Cadge in da crowda"……

Of course, the reason why Berlusconi was sporting a bandanna at all is open to a bit of conjecture. Apparently, the Italian Prem’ has just had a hair transplant to try to disguise his 8 inch wide centre parting. God knows exactly where on his body the donor follicles were taken – I mean, he didn’t have much left on the sides of his head did he? I fully expect that when Silvio dispenses with the bandanna, he will sport a fine thatch of tight curly hair – almost pubescent in appearance.

Maybe, the reason Tony cadged his way into Silvio’s Summerhouse was to ask him exactly where he should get his hair apparent from?


Cherie indulges in the ancient Italian sport of 'Wasp Gobbling’

Did I really hear that?…..

On Friday, we took Stuey, our 3rd alfalfa to the excellent 'Fox' pub in Roby Mill for a celebratory meal. He had done very well in his GSCE exams - so we decided to indulge in a bit of family 'very well done-ery'.

When we got there - you could hardly move for proud parents treating their brilliant offspring to a pub meal as reward for doing very well in their exams. Looks like everyone's brilliant and everyone's done really well …… Hoorah!

We elbowed our way to a table and a 'waiter on-erer' came over to take our order. Alfreda was having 'beef'.

Did the waiter on-erer then say "What about the Yorkshire Pudding?"

Did Alfreda reply "I don't know what he wants - and anyway, he's not from Yorkshire, he comes from Liverpool"

I just don't know - but there was a hell of a lot of giggling going on amongst the littleuns…..