Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Are you glad to see me, or is that £160 million quid in your pocket?……

Conrad Black, press mogul and plutocrat businessman is in a bit of a stew. When I say ‘stew’, I mean up to his armpits in a brown, oozing, sticky, gooey, gravy-dumpling gack.

The proprietor of The Telegraph Group of newspapers and head of the international business group ‘Hollinger’ has apparently mislaid 160 million quid….. Just like that – He had it in his hand, put it down on the desk to make a cup of tea – turned round and it was gone!

Conrad, mate - it’s easily done – and easily fixed. A similar black hole occurred at the ‘AlfieCorp’ headquarters. Can you believe it? Someone had been raiding the petties tin, no doubt buying Gypsy Creams instead of Malted milk…. It’s a slippery slope alright, due to this over indulgence The AlfieCorp coffers were light to the tune of 160 quid.

Such was the panic, ‘AlfieCorp’s share price hit the deck on the ‘CRAPDAQ’ index faster than Emile Heskey after a bruising encounter with an over stuffed eiderdown pillow.

Creative bookkeeping is the answer, Conrad. Claim on a few pub lunches, fill your car with 8 quids worth of petrol, insist on a written receipt then cunningly write ‘000,000 after the ‘8’. There, you’ve now got a petrol receipt for 8 million quid! Pub receipts can be treated the same way. What was £65 becomes, with a judicious bit of forgery £65,000,000. – or over a third of the missing cash. You only need a few of these to wipe the debt out completely!

In the unlikely event of anyone challenging your receipts, just tell them you filled the tank right up - plus the 2 plastic petrol carriers in the boot….. or that you chose a few really nice bottles of ‘House Red’ to go with your pub lunch rather than a couple of pints of lager.

I can’t see why this wouldn’t work – after all it did the trick for us and our 160 quid.

Alfie ‘the Savvy’, CEO of ‘AlfieCorp’ has withdrawn from merger talks with Italian Dairy and Food producing giant - Parmalat. Mr Savvy said "The milk was off".

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