Friday, July 02, 2004

Confessions of a King and a jolly birthday party with 2 Toms, Ken and Frank………

Tomorrow is my birthday.
And that’s very, very nice.
Prezzies and jellies and trifles …… and alcohol galore, hurrah.

Looking through my bumper ‘Have a look at who you share your birthday with’ book, and I’m praying that Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Tony Blair were not born on the same date that I was. It would be real nice if I shared my special day with some people that are a bit more intelligent than three crap comedians……

Well, that is a stroke of luck, it must be my birthday or something! I share my special day with some real intellectual luminaries –Lisztomaniac director Ken Russell, Metamorphic author Franz Kafka, former Czech and prolific playwright Tom Stoppard and errrr, that crap American actor, Tom ‘pleasure’ Cruise. Oh well, you can’t have everything can you?

I wonder if Tom will be naming me as his birthday buddy on his web site tomorrow? Or will he be sticking with Ken and Franz?

Anyway, I bet the Croozster doesn’t get a prezzie half as good as what I’m getting. I know I’m getting a good ‘un because I chose it – via the 3 dubbyas.

He’ll probably be getting another Ferrari or something (yawn). I mean, how passe is that? How very power-shouldered eighties. Maybe it’s some sort of substitute for something – maybe he’s lacking down there in the trouser department? Who knows?

What’s my prezzie then, I hear you ask?
It’s only an Anglo-Saxon, Edward the Confessor Silver penny – that’s bloody all!

I mean, how cool is that then, it’s over a thousand years old and it’s all mine - I bet Tom Cruise hasn’t got one. A coin from the reign of Edward the Confessor, a man who totally screwed up our history, because he couldn’t decide just who would succeed him. "William or Harold, which one, which one to choose? I mean, Harold is big and strong and Wessexy, but William’s an utter, utter bastard ….. and French of course."

So just why was he called Edward the Confessor? Maybe Edward the Vacillator, Edward the Fence Sitter or Edward the Special Needs King would have been more appropriate?

I reckon he should have tossed for it – maybe he did? Maybe that was his problem, too much tossing. Too much tossing so he forgot exactly why he was tossing in the first place – but what the hell, he was enjoying it much too much to care. Take a look on the Bayeaux tapestry if you get the chance – is he tossing? It looks bloody suspicious alright….Or is he just going eeny, meeny, miney, mo….. Come to think of it, the portrait of him on my silver penny looks a bit odd. What’s he doing with his regal right hand?

I’ve been to Edward the Confessor’s tomb in Westminster Abbey, very grand and very old, in a dust to dust sort of way. A bit disappointing though, there’s no witty inscription on it… Nothing like "See, I told you I was ill" courtesy of Spike Milligan. Maybe he should have one, something like ‘My name is King Edward Creosote – I was always sitting on the fence’…..

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Haaaaappy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeee - eeeee,
Happy Birthday to me,
(Anyone got an iron lung to help me blow out this forest of candles?)