Sunday, May 16, 2004

What a great day Saturday was, hot and sunny, all was well with the world…. – but of course, that means the bad news is….. ‘Betty’s’ back……

Global warming, a result of industrial process, farting cows, racing starts at traffic lights and generally burning lots and lots of things has a lot to answer for alright. The Americans failure to ratify Kyoto hasn’t helped either. The planet’s mean temperature is going up, season on season, year on year – and things, nasty things are beginning to happen. Hotter, dryer summers, stiflingly clammy nights follow burning hot days……. Something’s got to give – and for us, usually cool, usually relaxed, well-adjusted guys it really does….. down in the trouser department.

I’m talking hot, I’m talking sweaty, I’m talking male dangly bits.

It’s a lethal combination for us guys - in short (long in my case, obviously), it’s the male curse known as ‘Betty Swallocks’….

Amble down any street in high summer and you’ll see men suffering in silence from Betty’s Bane. Things are getting so clammy in the nether regions lately that us guys are beginning to dread summer. It’s one hot season’s worth of discomfort – 12 whole weeks! Showers relieve the agony for an hour or two, boxers help – and kilts are great…. But the bettyness and swallockins soon starts up again. Gently sautéed sweet meats and infertility follows…..

I was thinking about a fab’ invention I had dreamt up to solve the problem. A small, but powerful fan mounted to the front of the underpants - thereby flooding the affected area with circulated air and cooling waves of fresh, fresh cooliness – Unfortunately, field trials have not gone well – I’d forgotten the ‘bonk-on enigma of the average male. Next time, I’ll have to leave at least a good 10 inch clearance. (I've taken mine as a guide and added an extra inch for good luck - honest!).

Oh, if only it was just a few days at the end of each month, getting past ‘the time of inconvienence' would be a piece of cake….

Do we moan, do we go on and on about our 3 monthly curse?

Of course we do…..