Nil points….

Terry Wogan says that the Eurovision song contest is full of cheats, ne’er-do-wells and ‘creeping to their neighbour’ obsessives. Well that is a surprise not!

I must admit to watching it on Saturday – up to start of the voting marathon – well you’ve got to haven’t you? I mean, it’s great comedy, some of the acts look like they’re on Class A drugs – the sort of stimulant that takes away all sense of rhythm, timing and co-ordination. The gyrating men with their mullet haircuts, flared sparkly cat suits and stuck on chest hair seem to be styled courtesy of RETRO ‘70’s.com Then there’s the totty. The crapper the song, the skimpier the outfit – and there were lots of skimpy outfits on show….

Entertainment over, the voting begins – "Come in Berlin, can I have the totally political and biased voting please?"….
Eventually, I gave in and decided to watch Russel Crowe playing Lucius Maximus Jolly Jack Tarrius in the Napoleonic sailing epic, Master and Commander. instead.

I don’t like watching the voting bit for ‘EuroViz’ – too political.
I haven’t watched that part for years …. It sort of dawned on me that the Greeks never seemed to vote for the Turks, the Scandinavians always gave each other heaps of votes and the French adopted an ‘Anyone but the British’ attitude…… It’s not a song contest – more a series of diplomatic political alliances.

However….. I understand Blighty came somewhere just behind Nowheresvania in Saturdays contest, with some bird from the Ukraine dressed in a skimpy ensemble of leather, fur and sticky tape – and a bag full of talent (obviously), winning the top prize. It just aint good enough – we should be creaming the opposition shouldn’t we? Cliff, Sandy, Bucks Fizz, Lulu, Katrina, Gemini where are you when your Country needs you?
Well, maybe not Gemini – they should be playing for Norway-nil-points in the right out of tune position shouldn’t they?

It’s about time we started winning the damn thing again.
With this in mind, I thought Blog world could come to the rescue for next years comp’. We could write a song, a line here, a line there, with a boom-bangy, bangy inserted for good measure….

I’ll start the ball rolling, with the opening couple of lines….

I went tooooooo the park toooooo-day,
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
I met my babe by the bowling green – I was late, she was mean,
Vented spleen, vented spleen, vented spleen, vented spleeeeeen,

Mike Batt, make way for a surefire winner!