Thursday, March 24, 2005

Bandwagons on the run…..

Labour Central Office, in a mistaken and ultimately futile attempt to retain my loyalty (and my vote) has been bombarding me with emails. The latest arrived yesterday.

Weighty, passionate, analytical? Nah – it’s just another instalment in the ’Howard is a bogey-man’ campaign. It’s just pathetic, who the hell thinks up this drivel? Don’t quote me but I reckon it looks like young snotty Alan Milburn from 2nd year remedial has been sucking on the end of his pencil again.

It’s not quite as bad as Milburn’s original idea though – the catchy jingle, ‘Don’t vote for Michael Howard, coz he’s a spazzy mong’ was run up a few flagpoles before being consigned to the bin (possibly).

It’s no wonder the public think all politicians are tossers is it?
The premise of the latest email is that Michael Howard is an unprincipled politician – always on the lookout for the next opportunistic cause he can nail his right wing colours to, gain a whopping big set of red top headlines – then move on to the next big thing… They call it the ‘Michael Howard Bandwagon Watch’….

Well slap my thighs with a well-oiled kipper. A politician going for cheap headlines and bandwagon causes?….. What a shock, they’ll be admitting they’re all failed lawyers and power mad egomaniacs next.

Anyway, back to the email. Labour Central Office have helpfully given a top ten of Howard’s bandwagon causes. I’ll spare you the whole list, because honestly they’re as funny as a house brick in the nether regions ……. But not quite as funny as Jim Davison getting two house bricks in the nether regions…..

2. Howard to ban hosepipe bans.

4. Howard says Premiership abuse of referees has grown under Labour, and promises a new ‘Graham Poll’ Bill.

9. Howard pledges new bill to force pop stars to sing lyrics clearly.

Informative? Do my a favour.
Witty? Errrrr no.
Juvenile? Pathetically so…..

I reckon Milburn wrote this stuff during a dull Geoggers lesson or maybe he sagged off from Double Maths to tap them out on Uncle Tone’s big computery thing….

I tapped out a reply. I thanked them for their email – but pointed out that the Grand Master of Bandwagonery puts Michael Howard in Reception Class.

No finer example of the dark art of the Bandwagoneer can be better illustrated by Tony Blair jumping aboard Dubbya’s bullet-proofed Cadillac Bandwagon Sedan on the road to Iraq, could it?


Anonymous said...


We were going to go with "Michael Howard is a Joey" but we felt it would not appeal to our key demographic.

All my love,


Bugsy said...

Just makes me want to cry alfie.

Tony Cima said...

Clear pop song lyrics?

Sounds like a great idea.

I'd vote for him on that alone.

Serf said...

Sod Football, what I want to know ,is what Mr Howard is going to do about the England Rugby team. Will he pass a Six Nations bill enabling England to beat Wales next year. I'd vote for that.

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