Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Anyone know where I can find a groin massage nurse?…..

Or maybe where I could buy a pair of those rupture trousers – the ones that used to be advertised next to the x-ray specs and army surplus parachutes in the Saturday Papers of yesteryear…..

I’m suffering. Really, really suffering.

I can hardly sit down – and when I am sat down, I can’t get up. Whilst all you lot were enjoying the Easter break – I was shovelling up 12 ton of stone chippings in my Brother in Law’s drive……. 12 bloody ton!

Shovelling them up, placing them in old plastic builder’s bags – lifting them into the boot of my car, driving to our house and spreading the stone back on our drive.

And isn’t it amazing, when you’re working as hard as God on the very first day, huffin’ and a puffin’, sweating bricks and dribbling from most orifices, isn’t it so bloody amazing just how many people stand there and gawp. Stand there and say "What yer doin’?"….. Stand there and don’t say, "D’ya want any help then mate?"…..

A crowd gathered – jeez don’t they have anything else to do on an Easter Bank Holiday than watch to see if a grumpy old sod will collapse into a blizzard of stone chippings from a massive coronary? Maybe they’re taking bets – a sort of ‘heart attack sweep’ And if I did collapse – not with a packed in ticker, but the far more likely ‘acute groinal failure’, would someone in the crowd shout…. Is there a ‘Rupture Trouser Tailor’ or ‘Groin Massage Nurse’ in the drive?

Easter egg count……
After much ado – and several recounts, Alfie’s total Easter Egg Cornucopia stands at bugger all.

That’s right, absolutely none, nil, zippo, zilcherooney, nuffin….. a totally ‘choccy and interesting board game on the back for hours of fun’ free zone. Looks like I’ll have to beat the kids up for theirs again then….

Oh God….

Down in the smoke tomorrow – at the Lloyds Building to be precise…… I’m already feeling fairly depressed about it.


Bugsy said...

"Anyone know where I can find a groin massage nurse?"

I can give you the number of Sexy Sadie from Salford if it'll help alfie .. sure she can sort out your egg problem as well.

Red Fred said...

No no, Alfie don't bother with Sexy Sadie....
It's quite simple. You (a) tie the children up and play 'Sounds of the Sixties' until they beg for mercy and give you all their Easter Eggs.
(b) Tie the children up and threaten to trash their Internet connection until they beg for mercy and give you all their Easter Eggs.

Problem sorted eh? I got some knuckle dusters yer can borrow if (a) and (b) don't work. Yep.

Elspeth said...

I think a heat pack will work, I do know a good massuse, Im seeing her on Saturday, she might be a tad far for you though... but you can call in for a cuppa on your way, but bring your own t-bags aussie tea is piss weak!

Anonymous said...

Lloyds Building eh?

I went there once. The lifts are fab. All glass and on the outside.

You could show your arse in it.

It's becoming quite a fashion round here.

Jenny said...

You think you're bad - I have backache from lifting and playing with my 18 month old grandson on Monday! Mindd you, Keith and I did get a very nice Thornton's egg from my younger daughter - it even had our names on!

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