Monday, September 13, 2004

Pretty vacant…..

Been a little bit bland, a little bit grey…..a little bit neutral all last week. Creative juicery has been running on empty in Alfie’s vacant cranium as he struggled to land another client to the ever growing(ish) OK portfolio.

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for most of that time, trying to write a stunning report on how to make the workforce of a leading food manufacturer more…… ‘enthusiastic’.

Enthusiastic about working harder, working smarter, being more considerate…… I’ve got to try and persuade yer average cynical, British worker to bin the habits of a lifetime and start to think ‘Japanese’.

Not much of a problem brief there then?

I reckon turning base metal into Gold, Emile Heskey into a skilful professional footballer and persuading Tony Blair that he is not God Almighty after all, would be a hell of a lot easier…. But maybe not.

The work’s worth a hell of a lot of cash – and we’re basically being promised a 2 year contract. It could be ‘clover fields united', 'kerrrching city' and ‘I’ll have that Merc’ – but in black, nirvana’, if we get it right……. (some hope).

And then there’s the blog……

‘Vacancy’ has spread. I couldn’t think of anything to write about all last week. I was only at home to Mr Void.
All I could think about was slogans and ideas for my ‘Considerate Worker’ campaign.

‘Hey workers, be more considerate – or we’ll squash your bollocks between 2 house bricks’

That might work, maybe…..

‘Hey workers, how about working a bit smarter, you thick twats’…..

Pithy became pitiful. ‘Words’ and ‘thoughts’ became ‘non’ and ‘existent’. I’d got rampant ‘Blog-block’ to go with ‘I can’t think of any idea whatsoever to land all that lovely money’ block.

I’m sure inspiration will creep up behind me and slap me right in the face with a wet, freshly gutted haddock, real soon….

Hey workers, start producing more – or we’ll get the Blowtorch, Pliers and the Nipple Clamps out.…..

Talking about Nipple Clamps…..

Some git owes 'AlfieCorp' 20 grand – and we can’t get it. Cash flow is becoming a bit of an elastic concept - in a taut ‘n’ twangy kind of way. The Anti-Christ – in the form of Vincent Arthur Trumpton, (or Mr VAT, for short) is circling with menaces and destraint orders. Do I dig out the baseball bats, become ’Alfie the Enforcer’ and confront the git? – Do I stick a blue striped tea towel on my head and become ’Alfie the Mother Teresa’ for the VAT man?

Hey workers, don’t behave like gits – stick a blue striped tea towel on your head instead…..

Sure fire winner….