Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Pensions, a cautionary tale……

Today, courtesy of good old Royal Mail, I got the last of my forecasts from my 3 incredibly vibrant and profitable pensions. I know they are superb investments because the suits that sold me them said so – and I believed them.

‘Three pensions’ I hear you ask in incredulous unison.
‘Three pensions’ what’s that all about then?
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde – To have one pension is prudent, to have two is smarmy-arsey, but to have three is downright greedy! Actually, two of the pensions have been parked – the results of a Company crash & burn and a personal liquidity problem. Still – with the amount of cash already put into them and the wise, wise investment ability of the pension fund managers, clover fields and my smug retirement smirk seemed assured.

Oh yes, when the big ‘R’ rides into view, I’ll be thinking of you from my private island in the Windies. I’ll be lighting the finest Cuban cigars with £10 notes, sipping a ‘96 Dom Perignon and balancing a dusky babe on each knee…… Well, that’s what the honest John salesman said anyway – and I believed them.

For a lifetime of private contributions my 3 pension funds will afford me the grand sum of …..

Pension A (parked) - £385
Pension B (parked) - £815
Pension C (actively contributing) - £1,145

Sounds pretty impressive eh? – That is until you see the two little letters that follow each figure …. P and A.

The princely sum of just over 2 grand per-kin-annum is what Alfie the skint bastard will be existing on when he gets crinkly. Christ! By then, a bag of crisps will cost 50 quid…..

Let Alfie the far seeing seer give all you young turks a bit of advice. The next time a pension ‘suit’ collars you and paints a future that is cold, lonely and cash strapped, unless you buy into his pension plans – just knee him in the balls and spend your money on partying.

If I had my time again, my 10 point life-plan would go as follows –
1) Leave Uni’
2) Get drunk.
3) Get job in marketing.
4) Run things up flag-poles.
5) Think outside box, push envelope.
6) Knee pensions salesman in balls – hard.
7) Win lottery.
8) Get drunk.
9) Practice my two fingered salute.
10) Retire.