Friday, April 02, 2004

The Janet and Shane show

I’ve been 'Panicky Pete' this week. Absolutely everything I’ve tried to do has either gone tits up or down a plug hole….. Last night was the first time in days I could sit on me bum and watch the telly……

A few scoops helped – and a few home made lamb burgers – and a big packet of crisps….. and some more beers to wash it down. I was feeling a bit whoosey, it was a joint celebration - sort of getting rid of some work, by cunningly burying it in a clip file marked ‘Amnesia’ and chucking it in a cabinet called ‘black bin bag’….. The other reason was watching one of my favourite sports on the telly – the abject humiliation of a politician in her act of resignation … for all to see, marvellous.

With this in mind, I thought I’d watch ‘This Week’ (in politics) on BBC 1 last night and catch up on the latest goss’ on the resignation … Former ‘Sigue-Sigue Sputnick groupie, Janet Street Porter was hosting, standing in for Andrew Neill, who was ‘away’

I open another can……

Then, after media MPs’ Michael Portillo and Dianne Abbott have done their chicken entrails stuff on the Hughes resignation, Janet introduced the next item.

"And nouow, fresh from the starge at The Awlbert Hawll, let me intradarce Shane MacGowan to tell ars just what he thinks of the bar and restawrant smarking ban in Awrerland…

Comfy stupor becomes gobby smacked incredulity. Shane MacGowan!

Is this the same Shane MacGowan who was last sober when God was a lad and when we still had an Empire?

Am I that pissed? The Pogues bad boy is actually appearing to be on a political magazine programme – being interviewed by JSP. Yep, it's definitely the pointy toothed one all right.

The camera zooms in on a sweaty, glazed Shane. He replies to Janet’s first searching question ….. eventually. "WhatIzinkof ….. debannnizzzznotveymushhhhh"

Michael Portillo and Dianne Abbott, watch attentively.

Shane drones on "Oithinkitzzznawtroightzzzzzz ….. weallluvvasmoke…….."

You can tell it’s going pear shaped. Mike and Di’ are trying to finish off his sentences – well, they would if they could understand a word he was saying.

Janet’s a bit flustered. Fortunately, Shane comes to the rescue with a well timed pregnant pause – or is he asleep? The interview stumbles along, 5 minutes seems like 20, Abbott finds her shoes more interesting to look at. Portillo assumes a fixed stare. The sort of stare that says "Don’t talk to me and I won’t crack up into great fits of laughter"….

You can just imagine Beverley Hughes, sat at home thanking God for Shane and his diversionary words of wisdom…..

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