Monday, March 29, 2004

The Monday Obit’......

Peter Ustinov died today.
He was OK I suppose, wasn’t he?
I didn’t really get him. But he was a genius apparently, because everyone said so. I couldn’t understand why Michael Parkinson was always wetting himself every time Pete did one of those stories in one of his trademark European accents.

"……. Zo, ze vaiter zaid von loomp or two"…..

Parky wets pants….. "Ay up, Ustee, I've wet t'bloody kecks agin"....

He always seemed to be on ‘Parky’ – telling variations of the same old stories, in his fallback European accent (yawn)….. Him and the late Robert Morley, the two of them ALWAYS on that bloody talk show, boring me to death. The last time Robert Morley was on, was a bit awkward though.

‘Parky’ introduces his final guest "And my final guest is an actor, a raconteur and intellectual. Noel Coward said of him ‘He is a rrrright smart arse and general all round archetypal Englishman’ …. Please welcome Robert Morley"….

The Floor Manager started to mime to the audience that it was time to clap for all they were worth - which they duly did, sort of.
But above the clapperty frapperty came a voice from the audience, a shout of frustration, loud and ever so clear. Something along the lines of…..

"Geezuz H. Keeerista! Not boring old fat arsed Robert Morley AGAIN!!!!"

Tottering, moresome Morley. Awash with pinstripe and rolls of good living, ground to a halt. He looked shocked, moribund, suffering from an embarrassment embolism half way down the stairway to Parky lounge and his brown nosed adorer.

Parky came over all stern – like an angry ship. He stood up "Right. Who said that?"

No one owned up.

"No one is going home until the culprit owns up"

Parky strutted, like a public school House Master. The audience remained implacable - and mute. Parky purpled.

As far as I know, they may still be there, under the gaze of ‘Parky’s Yorkshire grit and Morley’s long departed spirit waiting for someone to own up…..

Back to Ustinov…

I was going to say "I’ll miss him", but I don’t really think I will – after all, we’ve still got Bernard Manning – and he tells stories in a funny accent – and they’re not funny either. He does look a bit like Peter Ustinov – but he’s not as dead as him. Although, Manning has been looking a bit ‘corpseulent’ lately….

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