Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Clarissa Dickson-Wright and other dumb animals…...

Last week, my MP was on the telly. He was on the windswept plains of Lancashire doing a fair to middle impression of Pontias Pilot in a mac’ and wellies. Hand wringing was the order of the day as "Mr Colin Pickthall, MP for West Lancashire bleated there was nothing he could do about it.

He was standing on the bleak, peaty fields of Altcar. To some people in this Country, Altcar is the Wembley of their ‘sport’ – To them, the competition for which they compete, (The Waterloo Cup) is the equivalent of winning Wimbledon, The Derby, The World Cup and losing your virginity all rolled into one..

Altcar is the spiritual home of ‘hare coursing’. For the uninitiated it’s ripping up dumb little animals by middle sized dumb animals, whilst being slavered at by big dumb animals in Barbours and green wellies.

Oh yes, the great, the double-barrelled and the weak chinned were all there in their green tweedy finery. Failed chef meister and the ‘not yet dead’ half of ‘Two Fat Laydees’, Clarissa ‘frightfully posh’ Dickson-Wright was there, lording it and larding it as only she can.

Vinnie ‘I know gangsters and I can have you killed’ Jones was supposed to be there, but pressure of work meant he was in absentia. Yes, apparently Mr Jones is making a movie in which he plays an East End gangster called Barry Hard-Bastard. His only lines in the movie are "Ere, wot’s your game? Leave it awwt, I’m Barry Hard-Bastard, and I could have you killed"….

Vinny, you should watch out, you’ll start to get typecast ….. although I understand his next movie is a change of scene. It’s a total fantasy. The role is going to stretch his acting capability to the limit. He’s been booked to play a ‘professional football player’.

Back to Altcar. My MP says that it could become very, very tricky trying to get hare coursing banned. Great cunning is required. Mr Pickthall is "Very wary of prophesising the end of hare coursing"

Ohhh really.... The Government have a majority of over 150 and a Tony-crony poodle clack masquerading as a second chamber in the House of Lords. Shoving something through – something pledged in the1997 election manifesto should have been a doddle to do.

Hare coursing is a complete anathema in a civilised society. It’s a lust for blood too far – against an endangered native animal.

Pontias Pickthall, Tony Blair and all you other members of the ‘Things can only get better brigade’ stop whistling ‘dixie’ get your fingers out of your backsides and get it banned – or I’ll come and live next door to you….

Hats off……

Hats off to Peter Jackson at the Oscars. Not for the 11 successful nominations for Lord of the Rings, nor for his humble speech – and his genuine pleasure at winning everything in sight at the Kodak Theatre in L.A..

No, it’s for his fashion sense. For whilst everyone else was a virtual mobile fashion statement, dressed up to the nines by some of the coolest designers on the planet, Peter was dressed by Oxfam’s bargain basement bin. Which is just as it should have been.

All the beautiful people with their ‘Botox’ injections, nips and tucks. Sculptured eyebrows, silicone enhancements and plastic smiles….. and Peter Jackson, his hair a comb free zone, beer gut, shirt collar size several inches too small, horrible tie – he looked like a bag o’ washing, draped in gold. Excellent!

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