Tuesday, February 17, 2004

The Northern Tsar is in my eyes (and up my nose)……

Two arses, John Prescott, enfant terrible of ‘Medacious Gov’ Inc’ is proposing a brand new supa dupa city for us Northerners. Well whoopy do, I was only saying t’wife t’other day.. "Ay up lass, what we need is a bloody great new city t’live in. Something that is about wun ‘undred miles wide will do. It’ll give us limitless lamp posts for our ample pack of whippets to wee agin and open up our black puddin’ franchise to the entire Northern Region"…..

So serious is Prezza taking his new ‘back of the envelope’ idea that he has appointed even more Tsars to overlook this magnificent new directive.

The Romanov’s are alive and well and living in Central London, busying themselves Tsarring away, hither and thither making sure that all potential banana skins are avoided. A specially commissioned ‘Banana Tsar has been head hunted from Fyffes to make sure ‘Medacious Gov’ Inc’ gets this one right.

Apparently, it’ll stretch all the way from Liverpool in the West, straight along the M62 corridor to Hull on the East coast. Then South to take in Sheffield - and North via a rather strange arm, all the way up to Newcastle and Sunderland. From the air, its outline looks like a flattened animal roadkill… sums it up really. By my reckoning, the city centre will be somewhere on top of the Pennines - just near where the M62 splits into two to go round that bolshy farmer’s house. He will be pleased. "Ayy up, yer can take yon Civic Centre, and stick it up your arse, that cow shed in’t going nowhere"….

Prezza has obviously never seen organic growth, (apart from his voluminous gut). It’s yet another idea from the planet ‘crap’ "I know Tone, you’ll love this, a mega city stretching from sea to shiny sea. It’ll take in Hull, Leeds, Manchester, Newcastle, Sunderland, Middlesbrough, Liverpool and Sheffield. I’ve code-worded it ‘Prescotland"

The race is on for a suitably sexy name for the new mega city – although, Peter Mandelson’s request to have it christened ‘Blairville’ has been eloquently refused by Prezza. "I’m buggered if I’ll have my city named after our leader"…

Anyway, Alfie the ever helpful has come up with some suggestions for the new Metropolis’ moniker….





New Valhalla





Labour Gulag

Tomorrow: Continuing with our Northern theme we debate the merits of failed record (Factory) impresario and failed club (hacienda) owner Anthony H Wilson’s latest attempt to shove his face into our lives. Tone has helped to design a new North West flag for us North Westerners, how thoughtful, but it looks like Mr Wilson is going to make it 3 failures in a row………

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