Friday, October 01, 2004

Decisions, decisions……

Someone has just given me a DVD.

It’s a plain disc – in a plain plastic jewel case and it looks dead, dead dodgy. When he gave it me, he nudged me in the ribs, winked at me and whispered "Ere, have a look at this. Ceeeelebs being naughty"…...


"Ceeeelebs, you know, doing things"

Penny drops, blinkers off, lights are on, uptake goes from ‘slow’ to ‘fast’….
"Ohhhh, things"

He then rattled through the performers he reckoned are on the disc…..a former star of ‘Baywatch’ and her former hubby, a hugely inflated ‘modull’, some Americans he didn’t have a clue who they were "But boy, they were fit" ….. and a former presenter of a colourful children’s TV show, his ambitious laydee and her sexy female friend.

"And you wanna see what those three get up to – deesgustin’!
I mean, don’t they have any deecorum at all?"

I confessed to not knowing about their decorum quota.

"I mean, that bloke from the kids programme, he’s got the camera, you can’t really see him, and anyway, his direction’s crap and the camera’s wobbling all over the place – hardly surprising really, judging by what the two women are doing"…..

Without waiting, he shoved it on the desk and went.

Well I would normally take a look – coz I am a big, big fan of ‘celebrity’……. But ‘Bargain Hunt’ was on the telly – and I really do need a new coaster for my cup of tea…. Honest.

I never knew it was contagious….

Alfreda’s Godmother is a real blue rinse pillar of the community. She’s slightly to the right of Attilla the Hun and Ghengis Khan in her politics.

In her ‘70’s, she’s a retired Head teacher of a large Grammar School and a former Magistrate/Justice of the Peace. Unfortunately, she lost her husband a couple of years ago and is now quite lonely.

About four months ago, she struck up a friendship with a couple in their mid forties. Two months later, the wife rang her up. She was in floods of tears. Her husband Gerald has left her to live with another man. My wife’s Godmother went round to offer support to Gerald’s distressed wife.

A couple of weeks later, whilst visiting, she relayed the episode with Gerald and his new man friend to my wife….

"Honestly, it’s such a shame, Gerald was such a normal man – and then he caught it"

"Caught what?"


"You can’t catch ‘Gayness’ – it’s something that’s there all the time, or it isn’t. You don’t just catch the ‘gay’ germ - there's no such thing as a gay germ"

"Oh yes there is – and Gerald’s definitely caught it – maybe from toilet seats, because he was fine only a few weeks ago"….