Thursday, April 29, 2004

Comatose in cyber space….

Time - warps when you are bored out of your tree. And today I have aged a million megabobs. I’ve just got out of a techno babble meeting with 3 techno babblists in person and 2 more via the chronically under-whelming alchemy of the ‘video conferencing’ facility at the end of the table.

"Hello, Jerry, can you hear us? …. Hello, Jerry, Jerry, Jerr-reee, caaan yooou hear usss?"

"Hi, yes,…Je…. y here…. Hope ..yo.. can ..he.r … us – OK?"

It sounds as if Norman Collier is on the other end of the empty baked bean tins and string ensemble, masquerading as cutting edge video conferencing technology.

Well, this is a bit more than I was expecting , I’ve been asked over to look at one of their web products, in a bid to sex it up a bit by bunging in a few graphics, nice menu, friendly and considered typestyling etc. The product has been developed and designed by the guys I’m about to meet – and as they’re all techno bods, it’s as interesting as Steve Davis’ diary on a not very busy Wednesday.

As I’m introduced to boffins 1, 2, and 3, I suddenly have a real feeling of dread. Me, creative bee-esser-in-chief, the broad-brush boy who soothes client worries with nothing more technical than "Look, don’t worry, it’ll be sorted, no problemo" has stumbled into a whole colostomy of real and virtual boffinistas….

They start, it’s all about java script, palava scroat and crypto flypto stuff. I’m going glassy. Floating away on a warm waft of white techno noise – a mixture of babble and air-conditioned hum-drum. I’m thinking about what I’ll have for tea, what telly I’ll watch, how many beers I’ll have tonight and is Kelly Brook really as fit as she looks on camera?…

Mental note – must make sure I get a pair of eyes tattooed onto my eye lids….. It wasn’t so much boring, more totally over my head…. I’m brought down from the blankosphere and an interesting conversation with Kelly, with a bang as I'm aware that someone is talking directly at me (and it aint Ms Brook)…

"What do you think?"

What?…What do I think? What was the question? Where am I?

"Err, sorry, just writing my notes, didn’t quite catch that"…

Boffin 2 repeats the question. The other boff - bros in the room are looking at me. The virtual boffins are giving me their collective on-screen once over as well….

Even the humdrum drone of the air-con has subsided as everyone and everything awaits my verdict.

Think, bastard well think! Come on you bloody genius, this is a tricky situation – but I’ve always got out of tricky-sits before. I need to get back to boff 2, with a response so damn cunning and destructive, it’ll mask the fact that I haven’t a bloody clue what anybody is talking about. Quick as a flash and with the rapier skill of a cunning fox with a sword - on an advanced fencing course, I retort to my feeble minded audience - "Look, don’t worry, it’ll be sorted, no problemo"

Well that was easy. Am I the daddy or what?

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