Tuesday, February 10, 2004


Met my sister, Princess Matilda, the ‘not too bad in small doses’ on Saturday. She told me that the new BBC Director General (acting) Mark Byford is an old Uni’ class mate of hers. They both went to Leeds, she knew him very well. He was quiet, thoughtful, sensitive, studious – but a bit of an apologist.

"He still is" I said. He must have taken a ‘Masters’ in apologising along with a ‘grovelling’ O.U. course. Ever since he got the job via the untimely resignation of Greg Dyke, Mr Byford’s sweaty hand prints have been on reams and reams of apologies to just about everyone he can think of from his newly created ‘BBC Apologies Unit’.

"Sorry Dick Dastardly, for portraying you in the most negative light during the transmission of ‘Wacky Races’…. I’m sure you are a very sensitive psychotic boy racer"….

"Sorry ‘Wicked Witch of the West’, I’m sure you are a really interesting old crone…. I’ve never had eye of newt and liver of toad, but I’m sure it’s a delightful fusion of flavours for the palette…. I’ll get young Jamie Oliver to rustle some up for the BBC canteen"…..

Anyway, if you want any extra apologies, Mark – here’s some I made up earlier….

"Sorry" (a general ‘fits all sorts’ apology – can be issued when panicked and need to think of something quick)

"Very, very sorry" " (must be said with a sincere countenance – a tear in the eye will help).

"We at the BBC are complete nummers, we don’t deserve to breath the same air as the great omnipotent, the Royal Blairiness" (should only be used whilst on your knees, it is advisable to disengage your mouth from boot leather to make this apology – otherwise his Royal Godliness won’t be able to understand you).

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