Monday, May 16, 2005

I’ve been thinking……. Again.

I’ve been thinking about how I could waste 4 million quid. Blow it, in one gloriously pointless exercise of pointless excess. Shouldn’t be too difficult to do should it? It’s sort a recipe of madcap disposal. I’ll get the ingredients together – I’ll need a pad - check, a pencil – check …. And four million quid – cheque.

I could buy Emile Heskey – mind you, I’d still have nearly 3.75 million left.

I could buy a seat in the House of Lords – but the going rate is apparently only around 100 grand - deposited into Labour Party coffers of course…


Phew, getting rid of 4 million is certainly harder than I thought. I really must try and think a bit more expansively…… I know, I could buy some Man Utd shares, or invest in Rover Cars?……

Maybe not.

Hmmmmm. I’m obviously an amateur in the genre of excessive fiscal blow-outery – I haven’t really had that much practice. Not too many 4 million pound wads have fallen into my lap lately. The nearest I’ve got to holding that much money in my mitt is courtesy of the Bank of Toytown….

I need to consult an expert, someone with the appropriate amount of largesse – the right mix of style and panache to do it almost without thinking….
Step forward, Philip Green – plutocrat, retailocrat and now, a right old pratocrat…

Phil has just spent an estimated 4 million sobs on his son’s bar mitzvah party. He flew out over 300 guests to stay at the Grand Hotel du Cap-Ferrat in the South of France. They were entertained by the blind Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli and Destiny’s Child featuring Beyonce.

OTT or what?

You can just imagine the chit-chat as the guests hand over their prezzies to little Brandon, the 13 year old bar mitzvah boy.

"Wow – a 15 quid book token, thanks Auntie"…

"Excellent, a PlayStation game"
"Glad you like it, I’ve got the receipt in case you want to change it"…

"Great! A Destiny’s Child cd"…..

I don’t know. What do you get the kid who doesn’t have Balloon Artist, Zippo the Clown, but does have Beyonce and pals at his birthday bash?

Answer: A sense of perspective, all wrapped up in a sheet of humility….

Suggestions for presents for Brandon Green, aged 13 years.
1) Fund a tiger survival project.
2) Sponsor an African village/district/country.
3) Purchase vast swathes of Amazonia and sell the lot to the indigenous peoples of the area for the grand total of 27 glass beads (well, it’s been done before, hasn’t it?).
4) Replant and restore the ancient and fast disappearing woodland environments of England.
5) Start a charity, dedicated to stopping works of art from being lost to the nation….

Brandon, tell your billionaire Dad to get his gold-fingered digits out of his very deep pockets. Don’t blow obscene amounts of cash on facile acts of wastefulness that would put even Elton John, Marie Antoinette and Posh Spice to shame.

Do something constructive with it!


Anonymous said...

Now there’s a repellent mental image: a bunch of over-privileged 13 year old lads oggling Beyonce. I hope they where all forced to wear boxing gloves went they went to bed that night!

Elspeth said...

i like your ideas, esp the Amazon forest one!

Mosher said...

Kidnap him and get his dad to send £4m to Oxfam or something.

Bugger. That's illegal, isn't it?

Watski said...

Or at least buy Kirsty Gallacher...

Shooting Parrots said...

Spot on.

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