Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Hello from the stump!…..

My God, little no mark Alfie reporting here from the coal face of democracy – no, not in Basra, Southern Iraq… but Ormskirk, West Lancashire.

Life’s certainly a bit tough when you’re up against the big Party machines…. And you’ve got to hold down a job…… And you’ve had no media training….. And you feel a bit of a pranny swanning round in your big fluffy rosette…… And as you catch the eye of a potential voter – how their face crumples into resignation as another glad handing guy with a message does a bit of quarry cornering.

That wasn’t the worse part of it though. The very worse thing was getting the leaflet out. The leaflet that will define the message to the electorate…..

Should I have a slogan?

‘Vote for me, or I’ll come round and nut yer’

‘Vote for me, coz I’m bloody fab - no I really am’

‘Vote for me – you know you want to' …..

I need a photo. Unfortunately, the only photographer in town is Alfreda (or Box Brownie Brenda as we like to call her). We dig out the ultra cheap, ultra plastic ‘digicol’ camera.

I pose. I explore the environs of the office…. It’s pretty damn uninspiring though. Do I want to be shot against an urban chic background? Or possibly metropolitan tat? Maybe a football manager’s pose – courtesy of a sheepskin coat, a telephone to my ear and a big fat cigar in my hand?

We experiment.

Against some venetian blinds – light and dark stripey.

Fly on the wall, reportage style – pretentious grainy.

Informal and all friendly like – Colin Montgomerie cloney.

We eventually decide a brick wall background will look best – Inspirational or what? The bricks depict stability and order, the mortar - the glue of society binding the whole structure together. Thus creating one strong regular object from many disparate pieces…… (Yawn)

Alfreda lines me up.

She zooms.

I posture.

I’m trying for serious with a bit of humanity, a dollop of gravitas with just a hint of humour.

I’m thinking Brad Pitt and Jonny Depp, with a liberal sprinkling of Orlando Bloom. All cunningly wrapped around a Bill Clinton countenance.

Can I pull it off? (as Bill Clinton once said)….

Alfreda’s on motorised overdrive as she furiously clicks away…

"Oh baby, give me ‘humility"….. "great"….. now four square determination. Love it, just love it"…..

The pics are in the can.

Alfreda assures me she’ll pick out the best one and send it to the printers…..

Fast forward to delivery day.

I get a couple of courtesy copies – the rest, 35,000 have been sent to the Royal Mail for distribution.

I open my leaflet.




What happened to Brad, Jonny, Orlando and Bill?

They’ve been replaced by Harold Shipman, David Bellamy, Rolf Harris and Santa Claus that’s what…

I’ve become jowl-boy meets Jabba the Hutt with a beard and glasses.

Somehow, somehow the picture has put about 4 stone on my boat. My beard looks like something Moses would have been proud of and my eyes have disappeared into 2 slits on my moon shaped smirking face……… Not to worry then – there’s only 35, 000 of the damn things….

Great, great news. Alfie’s ‘plus’ column is off and running. My eldest son has committed his precious vote to his old man. It makes you proud don’t it?

Anyway, I must keep my part of the bargain and return all his back issues of FHM and other ‘art’ mags…..

Tomorrow – I do a ‘Question Time’ style event and one of the candidates gets caught ‘resting his eyes’ Then I do a few radio interviews – and manage to string 4 words together without saying "you know"……… Also – The big, big day is looming, it’s all so exciting! (ish)……..


Jenny said...

Awwww! I was hoping to see the photo! :)

©Occupied Country said...

Mr A, you're no "no mark". I just wished I lived in Ormskirk - your vote tally would have doubled.

More power to your elbow.

Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to imagine a combination of Harold Shipman and Santa Claus!

Best of luck.

PS - If you get elected, try not to get into a punch-up with Two Jags.

Red Fred said...

Look here Alfie baby.... give us yer photo
I want to see if you looks more of a criminal than the local scum-bags we got down south....
You sound like serious competition.

PS: I thought every politician got punched by Two Jags?

Mosher said...

You can't look worse than our local Nazi^H^H^H^HBNP candidate. Fat f*cker. Fat *ugly* f*cker. Fat ugle NAZI f*cker.

I didn't vote for him.

Elspeth said...

gooo on show us ya picci

The Crafty Cruiser said...

Beards aren't allowed in Westminster. They get stopped at the door by Alistair Campbell.
Well done on the vote though. Towards an English Parliament! (Though I fear we are now stuck with fat Gordy)

Mike said...

Well the photo didn't put Mrs C off voting for you, which surprised me as she doesn't like beard's. You got my vote too. :-)

I won't spoil the surprise by telling everyone how many votes you got but congratulations on incresing the English Democrates share of the vote in our constituency by 1.2%. Does that mean you keep the deposit, and will there be a next time? :-)

Kenny said...

Well done Alfie my man. Now you're off the campaign trail, shall we have that beer?

Anonymous said...

you can keep the FHM's dad...i want my bleeding Led Zep CD's back though

Jenny said...

So you didn't win then? :(

Son of Groucho said...

Hi Alfie, you've been tagged. Please click here.