Thursday, February 24, 2005

Sudan 1 – FSA Academicals 0
(after a lot of extra time)

Looks like another cock up on the jobsworth front – courtesy of the Food Standards Agency. ‘Toxic food shock – Sudan 1 - a vile and evil cancer-causing additive found in virtually everything you shove in your gob, shock....... Every day, the list gets ever longer as more and more products hit the Sudan fan.

‘Toxic food shock – Sudan 1 found in furniture polish. Whatever you do, don’t eat your dining table – because you’ll die and get a splinter, shock’

The story broke to the public last Friday. The FSA had known about it since the previous Monday. Unfortunately, Alfie was in a pub in Port Sunlight on Thursday filling his not inconsiderable hamster cheek pouches with a ton of ‘farmhouse’ chilli…..

A ton of chilli with lashings of Sudan 1 on top - a side salad of chemical residual masquerading as chips, off a very old block and a pint of frothy, foaming ale to wash it all down…. I remember, ruminating while I was ruminating, ‘you know what, I reckon that this chilli has a hint of furniture polish essence, with a whiff of engine oil additive and a hefty dollop of a known carcinogen subtly infused into this purest offering of top grade slop-de-chilli’…….. Or was it all in my imagination?

‘Toxic food shock – Pot Noodle actually found on food shelves – rather than with the disinfectant stock, shock’

The point is, if I’d have known about ‘the scare’ – I might have given the chilli a miss. I might have gone for the ‘farmhouse’ ploughman’s with polystyrene cheese, luminous green salad and genetically mortified tomatoes – the whole ensemble liberally drizzled with agent orange dressing…..

‘Toxic food shock – Beef stock knock in block, shock. No Sudan 1 and no beef ingredients found in the beef stock, shock

Anyway, as ‘the list’ gets longer and longer, it suddenly struck me it might be quicker and easier to publish a ‘short list’ – a very short list of stuff that doesn’t have as an essential ingredient, Sudan 1. To save the Food Crap-Standards Agency any further angst, Alfie the Whistleblower publishes the list of foodstuff stuff which does not contain the evil antichrist that is Sudan 1.

Stuff declared absolutely free of Sudan 1 (probably)
Raspberry Jam,
Bazooka Joe Bubble-gum,
Brillo Pads.

Oy! - Jamie Oliver – you call yourself a chef, get off your bum and rustle up something creative from that lot…..

And just in ….‘Toxic food shock – Sudan 1 found in Iceland (the shop) – but not in Sudan (the Country) shock’


Bugsy said...

That looks a lot like the menu at my local cafe .. although not the bazooka joe .. too up market.

Good post alfie.

Elspeth said...

ermmmmm whats sudan 1?

Alfie said...

Sudan 1 is a colouring dye - shoved into food to make it more 'colourful'.... (I think they used to put lots of it into British curries - because we liked gawdy coloured curries. it is also quite toxic - if you eat a few hundredweight of it - it can cause cancer.....

They also shove it into engine lubricant and furniture polish. The good people of the FSA banned it 3 years ago - Unfortunately, someone didn't read the script - and this stuff has found its way into 'Cross & Blackwells' Worcester Sauce - which is used to flavour virtually everything. So far, the Supermarkets have taken off the shelves around 500 different products
Read the full awful story in which us Brits get poisoned (again) - 71k - 23 Feb 2005

Jenny said...

You could make a nice nourishing meal from those items!! ;) By the way, is it also in slimfast drinks? It would give me a good excuse to come of my diet.

©Occupied Country said...

Mmmmmmmm........Bazooka Joe bubble gum....

Anonymous said...

For re-assurance I took a look at the list of contaminated products on the Food Standrds Agency's website. On balance, I think I'd rather get by on tripe and raspberry jam.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for the sequel Sudan 2I've got a Pot Noodle that I purchased a couple of months ago and I ain't giving it back.
Pot Noodle and die, that's my motto.

Mosher said...

I pretty much lived on KFC for a few months when I was working away from home a while ago. Does anyone really think, after that, I'm bothered about a bit of shoe-polish in my steak bake?

Anonymous said...

Sudan 1 cancer scare, take everything of the shelves, not for sale, can't have it. 20 fags no probelm sir £5.25

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » » »

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