Pigs in muck….

Later today, MPs at Westminster will (reluctantly) publish their ‘expenses’. Filed under ‘Fantasy’ – sub-section ‘Cornucopia’, I reckon they’ll have a right old problem trying to persuade Jonny Voter that they are not screwing the system.

Never let it be said that Alfie the politician-hater is not objective and fair minded in his criticism of the mother of Parliaments and its incumbents. I’m sure, that 50 grand claim for Gold leaf Post-It notes is entirely valid…..

Ever searching for fountain of even handedness, Alfie the nosey sod has had a sneaky dip into the most creative work of fiction this year.

I didn’t have much time – so I obviously went to the top…. Under ‘B’ for ‘B’stard’ and ‘Blair’ (same thing really)..

‘Tony Blair’ – to the purchase of books –
‘You too walk can like a Texan’ £95
‘How to find out if you really are the second-coming’ £30
‘Blagging holidays from the rich, famous & gullible’ £145

To the purchase of Postal correspondence courses –
‘Making the most of your pregnant pauses’ £5,540
‘Sincerity – made easy’ (Advanced Course) £3,500
‘You too can fool all of the people all of the time’ £4,000

Pension contributions – Nil (no need to as job comes with index linked £110k p.a.)

Toupee Allowance – Pending

Smoke and Mirrors Allowance – Overspent by several billion

Plastic Surgery - £35,000 (injury caused by too much self satisfied smirking wore out facial muscles)

Lottery Syndicate expenditure – Nil (already won jackpot twice, in 1997 and 2001)

Bung, sorry 'Donation' – To one, Pope John Paul for the beautification of 'St Tony of Iraqia' – plus 10,000 ‘Hail Marys’- £15,000,000

Clothing Allowance – Tee-shirts with the moniker "Hello, I’m Tony Blair – and you really can trust me" - £3,400

Spouse Allowance – pending, one bed space @ home for the insane.

Personally, I’m wondering just how much Boris Johnson paid on e-Bay for the gross of grovelling apologies he’s been using like there’s no tomorrow…..