Friday, February 27, 2004

Buildings going up, costs going upperer ….

Well there you go. Just when I was feeling wearisome, and then weary, some more, along comes an old and faithful friend to restore my faith in the never ending arrogance and self centred interest of our trough squabbling politicians.

Yes, it’s that old monetary black hole – the Scottish Parliament Building. Originally estimated at £40 million quid, yesterday they lobbed another £30 mill’ onto the equation to run up a revised estimate of £430 million. That’s nearly 11 times the original finger in the air.

Of course, all your Scottish MPs are shouting "Foul."
Unfortunately, none of them are shouting "Use cheaper materials" or "Haggle them down" or "Sod this, let’s meet in the local pub, mine’s a pint o’ heavy"

Alfie the lateral thinker has helpfully come up with a few suggestions where costs may be trimmed.

1) Dump the handmade silk toilet vellum and use quartered pieces of The Sun newspaper instead. That way, a useful recycling policy would be initiated and a salient political comment to Rupert Murdoch would also be made.

2) Sack the 3 star Michelin Chef – eat neeps and tatties, porridge and scotch pies instead. Wash the whole lot down with a can of Tennents Special Brew.

3) When important decisions need to be taken, instead of having the rigmarole of members voting, simply toss a coin – or even a caber to decide the outcome.

4) Instead of continuing to build this demonic democratic monster – simply remodel it, into the shape of our biggest Pachyderm. Paint it white and label it ‘The Jumbo Parliament’ (and they say satire is dead!)

’Bath time’ is an elastic concept…..

I bet Inspector Clouseau would have rumbled it. But apparently the contractors tasked to paint the brand spanking new Millennium Bath Spa in the ancient spa town of Bath didn’t.

The thoughtfully named ‘Millennium Bath Spa’ is running a bit late for its opening night. Or maybe it’s running ahead of schedule? After all, it doesn’t say in the title exactly which millennium it refers to. It could be 4 years late or 996 years early

No, the Contractors didn’t realise that the sort of paint you need to coat the inside of a bath spa was the sort that needs to repel water – and not welcome it through with open arms.

I don’t know, maybe they thought that they were painting the inside of a shop – the ‘New Spar Supermarket in Bath’…. Whistling "So near so Spar" as they painted away…..

Meanwhile, the good burghers of Bath are getting fed up with the delay incurred by the alleged incompetence of the painting contractors. But there has been no word yet on whether the hammer beamed thatched roof, mud floors and wattle & daub walls are up to spec…..

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