Combustion and Tears…….

Last night’s tragic fire at the Tate Modern warehouse has apparently destroyed some of Brit Art's finest pieces. Tate Modern or Tate Crisp as it’s now to be called, is reeling from this disastrous news. Charles Saatchi, legendary benefactor of the modern art movement and avid collector of all things ordinary was inconsolable this morning as he learned that most of his extensive collection went up in this pyre of pretentious pap.

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that Tracy Emmin has tried to sell the ashes of the building to Chaz – under the title ‘Remade Carbon’…. The word on the streets is however that Charles has bid up the original asking price of £2.5 million to £8 million and declared this "A very significant work, symbolising the elemental struggle of humanity and its elementary and eternal struggle to tame the elements – in this case ‘Fire" …. Ele-mental, obviously.

Unfortunately, in Charles’ hour of triumph – and whilst approving the building of a new Gallery to house his latest piece, ‘Remade Carbon’ became ‘Burnt Bits Chucked in a Skip by Unfeeling and misguided Fire Fighters’…..

Damien Hurst has rushed to the stricken Saatchi’s side and stated that he will redo all of his lost works and donate them to the gullible …… visionary collector. Damien said "Well it’s the least I could do, he’s lost at least 20 of my works – and anyhow, I’ve got a couple of hours free this afternoon".