Friday, January 23, 2004

The ‘Typhoon’, over-budget, overdue, over sexed up – but not overhead….

The ‘Eurofighter’ or ‘Typhoon’ as it is now known – in a rather sexed up way, is in a right load of trouble.

KABOOOMMM – Marvel, as it smashes through the 2 Billion quid overspend barrier.

WHOOOSH – Cringe, as the British Aerospace Boffins scratch their heads, as it dawns on them that the really big elastic band attached to the propeller isn’t enough to get it airborne – no matter how many times they turn it.

"I know, let’s try using two elastic bands!"….

"But won’t that really chafe our fingers as we wind it up?"

SCREEEECCCHHH – To a halt. Unfortunately, the ‘Typhoon’ can’t. The brakes don’t work, so if you have a house near the end of the runway – sell it, quick. Boffins are reported to be studying the movie ‘The Flintstones’ to glean tips on bringing aircraft to a halt. Pilots are rumoured to be toughening their feet so they can thrust them through the specially cut foot shaped orifices in the plane’s floor.

EEEEEEOWWW – Boffins at British Aerospace announce a breakthrough at the development of an in-built ‘Doppler-effect sound machine for the ‘Typhoon’.

A spokesman said "Quite, quite brilliant, even when the ‘Typhoon’ is travelling at 15 miles an hour – or ‘micro-mach’ as we like to call it, the Doppler kicks in and makes the wave pattern sound like it’s going 1,500 miles per hour"

GAAAASP – at the ineptitude of Minister of Defence, ‘Buff’ Hoon and his assertion that it’s not his fault. "It’s not my fault …… I blame David Kelly for this – or possibly Saddam Hussein" says Geoff….

PHHHEEWWW – Feel safe and secure as Prime Minister Blair asserts that the ‘Typhoon’ can deal with any ‘45 minute threat’.

"Did I say 45 minutes? What I meant to say was 45 months. So to reiterate, I tell you most sincerely that the ‘Typhoon’ can deal with any 45 year threat…….. possibly".

HHHORRRROR – As little Jimmy Atkins from Bolton brings down a mighty ‘Typhoon’ with a deadly strike from a 10 bob Brocks ‘AstroDoom’ Rocket. "I just stuck it in a bottle, lit the blue touch paper and stood well back. It wasn’t my fault, I blame David Kelly" whined Jimmy…

REVEALED – The MoD has released the unsuccessful list of names for the ‘Eurofighter’ – now known as the sexed up ‘Typhoon’

List of unsuccessful names as follows:

‘Stationary White Elephant’

‘Big Pointy, Pointy Thing’

‘Big Pointy, Noisy Thing’

‘Big Wheely Bin’

‘Fast as a Speeding Bullshit’

‘JetSki’ (Russian version)

‘JetWhoosh’ (USA version)

JetJoke (UK version)

SAAD (Sexy as a dossier)

I hope the MoD haven’t yet decommissioned their squadrons of ‘Sopwith Camels’ – otherwise we really will be in trouble….

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