Friday, March 11, 2005

God save me......

Blimey O’Reilly. Is it 30 all, deuce, advantage to them or set point to me? It’s been going on so long, I’ve lost count. I just feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Maybe I should start praying to St Jude - the patron saint for lost causes.

Alfie the little terrier is almost as sick as a parrot as he struggles to get any official answer from the blue blazer brigade at The Football Association. Whenever he tries to get them to talk – he gets blanked. They say sweet FA about anything.

When did the footy vendetta start?

About three years ago actually. A well meaning, but utterly ignorant TV commentator fanned Alfie’s glowing embers of irritation. Yes, Ron Cliché, ace TV anchor and interviewer of all things vegetable, summed up the scene. Becksy, StevieGeezie, Colesy, Scholesee, Riozee and the rest of the England footy team are all lined up on a corner of a far off foreign field. The opposition are belting out their own National Anthem, they are full of pride. Great gobs of glottal, are supersonically expressed to atmosphere as the high notes are hit – and the pride gets passionate.

Ron Cliché, chimes in. "Well, looks like the England boys are really going to show what real passion is all about as they proudly sing ‘God Save the Queen’ – the English National Anthem"…..

The cat got kicked.

The dinner got chucked.

The computer got plugged in.

I bang off an email to ron.cliché@rubbishtv.com…
I’m half way through, and then - I bin it. It’s not really Ron’s fault is it?
As far as he’s concerned, ‘God Save the Queen’ is the English National Anthem, because it’s always played before an English team event of virtually any sport you care to mention.

But why? It’s not England’s national anthem – it’s Great Britain’s. England doesn’t have one - but it should.
I felt a new cause coming on.

Better to target the blue blazers of the FA – to start off with.

My first email to FA HQ was fairly polite. So was the second.
By the time the sixth one was banged off, Alfie was losing his mind/marbles/mental faculties. All ignored. Consigned to the virtual bin labelled ‘Pain in the Bum, Barmpot’…..

Since then, every now and then, I have another go, renew the campaign to get the GStheQ CD chucked in the bin. A few weeks ago I thought, ‘bugger it, time to be a pain in the arse again’. Alfie is no longer playing with a straight bat. Alfie’s going to start diving in the area at the slightest of touches and writhing around like he’s just been shot with a sniper’s rifle. Alfie has declared war on the FA.

I log onto www.thefa.com

Oooooooohhh. The FA has gone all ‘customer luvee’. It’s all down to customer focus, in a customer-is-kingy kind of way. They’ve even got a hotline straight though to the grandly titled Customer Relations Unit on 0845 458 1966. I ring. Customer luvee interactivity hits the rocks. Because I’m not asking about David Beckham’s latest hair style, they cannot help me – but promise to get someone to email me…. No one does.

I trawl through the web site. The slick graphics seduce and mesmerise. David Beckham smiles at me from his virtual footy field, with his virtually footy foot resting on a virtual footy ball …… Is he saying "Look Alfie, don’t rock the boat, get behind the boys, none of them know the words anyway….. God Save the Queen – good. Fat old grumpy sod – bad, innit".

Becks gets deleted, I’ve no time for someone who names his kids Brooklyn, Romeo and Crud…….. I mean, isn’t Colin, Trevor and Cyril good enough then?…….

The current campaign is now a month old. It’s a two pronged attack, an email/phone strategy, every single day.
I’ve (rather helpfully I think) suggested some ready made English National Anthems that could be used. ‘I vow to thee my Country’, Jerusalem, etc, etc …… I’ve even volunteered to nip down to HMV to buy a few new cds as I understand the FA are a bit strapped for cash at the moment.

The trouble is that Jason, Steph, Tina and all the other luvees down at the ‘Customer Relations Unit’ do not want to know……

Just a warning to you, The FA.
Don’t think you can get away with it…..After all, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings (something else)….

11 comments:

Jennyta said...

I think Jerusalem would be good - but I seem to remember hearing some time ago that it is now regarded as 'politically incorrect'! (Well, it would be, wouldn't it!) The problem is that it is not regarded as desirable to be patriotic in England these days.

MIKE DA HAT said...

I always thought "Land of hope and glory" was the English national anthem.

Shooting Parrots said...

The RFU are at it as well. I've just sat through the preliminaries for the England/Italy match, and there was God Save the Queen again. What a bloody dirge it is.

phdmonkey said...

To be honest, mate, most of us Scottish types have come to think of GSTQ as the English national anthem precisely for its use in sport (I also think that the third verse tells of "crushing the rebellious Scots", and not just at the rugger). It is a very dirgey tune, but "Flower of Scotland" isn't much better. We do get to shout things in the middle of it though. Am thinking of becoming Welsh or French, I like theirs.
Suggestions for the anthem? I'd like for once to dispense with formalities and hear the fans chanting "Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land Eng-er-land" to the tune of "Here we go" when it is national anthem time. At least it would be a good laugh.

Bugsy said...

"Land of Hope and Glory" sung properly by drunken upper class yobs at the Last Night of the Proms .. stirring stuff from a bygone age, and although GSTQ IS a boring dirge I still prefer it to "Things Can Only Get Better".

Johnny Boy said...

I emailed the FA a few years ago, enquiring about local pub footie leagues, twice, they didn't reply to me either, bastards!

United Irelander said...

"Land of Hope and Glory" should be England's anthem.A great tune.

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