Thursday, January 27, 2005

Britain doesn’t need this Merchant Banker…….

Yesterday morning, on Breakfast Tee Vee, a guy from the NHS made an impassioned nation-wide plea.

Alfie, always anxious to rally to the flag – as long as it doesn’t involve killing anyone or invading a third world, oil-rich country; pricked up his ears.

Alfreda noticed something was up. "What you doing?" she asked.

"I’m doing a bit of ear pricking"……

All of a sudden, Lord Kitchener's beady gaze, joke moustache and big pointy leather clad digit hove into my minds eye. Britain needs me. Looks like it’s time to do my ‘bit’ for the good of good old Blighty. The guy on the telly is going on about the national shortage of ‘sperm’….. "Britain needs more sperm" said the man.

Wow – a national sperm shortage … who’d have thought it? I always reckoned we'd cornered the global market. After all, this Country is choc full of Merchant Bankers isn't it? - Mostly working in the Palace of Westminster I reckon!....
The man on the telly – an expert in all things spermological, waxed lyrical about the possible causes….. I haven’t a clue what he was going on about, but I’m sure tight undies, too much Super Strength Lager, live Premier League footy on the telly - and too many ugly birds in pubs and clubs are at least partly responsible for the falling fertility of yer average British male….. – And hence the shortfall of sperm deliveries to fertility clinics.

They need help. They need my help – and lots of it, preferably in little specimen jars.

Well!…… At last, a solo activity I can do pretty damn well – in fact, I’m a bloody expert at it – and now there’s a demand for it…… Serendipity or what!
I resolve to help, well it’s my dooooty isn’t it? Beside which, they are giving out £15 quid for every shot … if you know what I mean. - and in the process (and a lot of stamina) I’ll populate half the Country with little Okayers – what a legacy, what a gift!

I hope everyone appreciates just how much Alfie is about to sacrifice for the good of the Country – I mean, it’s a rotten job – but someone’s got to do it. I’m risking real health problems - repetitive strain injury, blindness and wobbly writing syndrome...….

The Professor of everything spermy reads out an emergency phone number……

I ring.
They don’t want me.
"But I’ve got experience – and a proven track record"
They still don’t want me.
"But I’ve got an entire mountain of ‘product’ – entirely at your disposal"
They really, really don’t want me.
"But I’ve got 4 strapping lads – added together we could make a bloody good five-a-side footy team"
They laugh – and ask if any of my sons are over 25 – because if they are – they’ll take them instead.
"Well they’re not – so you’ll have to make do with me"
They don’t want me and they won’t make do with me – because I’m too bloody old. They want guys between 25 and 40…..

I didn’t realise Merchant Bankering was such an exclusive activity…….. they’ll be taxing it next.