Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And they didn’t even say "McThanks"….

I don’t know, you try to help a global multinational – and what happens? You just get McBlanked.

About 25 years ago, ‘Alfie, the eyes of a myopic hawk’ drove into a McDonald’s fast ‘food’ outlet and noticed a real spelling McHowler. Well it wasn’t strictly speaking a ‘howler’, more a bloody irritation as ‘Alfie the defender of the O.E.D.’ – became so choc full of self righteous indignation that he almost choked on his McSlurry with sesame seed bun, gherkins, side salad of grass and cup of fizzy soot.

The problem? I’d driven through a ‘Drive Thru’…..
What the hell does ‘Thru’ mean? What’s happened to ‘o’, ‘g’, and ‘h’? Although Alfie felt powerless to do anything at the time, years of exposure to more McCrap products than you can shake a soggy gherkin at, has left him with a deep resentment of anything McSpelt.

Ire finally got the best of me – so I banged off a helpful letter to McDonald’s McH-McQ – somewhere in McLondon pointing out the error of their ways. The letter had more irony in it than a six-month load of Alfreda’s least favourite creased-clothed Sunday chore.

To: Mr McDonald,
Director of McCustomer McCommunication -

"Blah, blah, blah, I just thought I should point out something to you - I have noticed an error outside a few of your Restaurants.

It concerns the service where a car driver can order a McDonald's meal without getting out of his car. The service in question is the McDonald's 'Drive Thru' ..... Surely, there is a spelling mistake here isn't there?

Shouldn't it be 'Drive Through' ........?"

I’m sure this has been an oversight – and probably happened long ago when a dullard student working in the McSignage department during his Summer McHolidays made a colossal spelling mistake. Perfect and thoughtful employers that McDonald’s are – and anxious to give him some sort of empowerment he was probably tasked with ordering 500 ‘Drive Through’ signs – "to go".

I blame the liberal, LSD fuelled corduroy jacketed goody two shoed education system of the mid seventies – and the disastrous experimentation with ‘phonetic spelling'….Blah, blah, blah"

I’m still waiting for an explanation – and I’m not holding my McBreath. What a bunch of McTossers……

The coming of the lard…….

The most depressing day of the year has just taken a surprising turn. January the 25th, is the day designated by experts in depression as being the most depressing in the whole year!

I can believe it. No money, cold, miserable and devoid of my well-intended intentions to loose a bit of weight – the only thing in an expansive mood today is my much under pressure trouser belt.

Alfie is feeling sadder, fatter and skinter than a big sad, fat, skint man ……. Or at least I was up till I got a spammo email from someone called ‘Verda Martinez’ at 2:15pm this afternoon.

I opened it and read away…..

Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours

As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!

Perform Weddings, Funerals, Perform Baptisms, Forgiveness of Sins

Visit Correctional Facilities

Want to start your own church?


Do I want to start my own church?

Do I really want to forgive sinners?

Would I have to wear a long dress?

Would I have to suspend my wild sex life for a life of contemplation and the development of a well-muscled right arm?

On balance, I think I’ll give this too good to be true offer the boot. I just don’t think that the church of Latter Day Lardy Arsed Alfie Atheists will catch on…..