Thank God for experts like Mr ‘Ronnie Road-Safety’, otherwise I’d probably leave the house and walk straight under a bus……

A road safety expert from the AA was on the radio yesterday. He was warning those people that are sporting the latest craze in flag waving to beware. Apparently, it’s potentially very, very, very very dangerous to have one of those little St George’s flags fluttering from your rear window.

I listened. Would he say it? Would he say it? Would he say "Those flags are very, very, very dangerous – and if you’re not careful they’ll have someone’s eye out"

He didn’t say it – bugger! He did say however that you could kill someone with one – which isn’t nearly so much fun as having your eye flagged.

Yes, apparently Ronnie Road-Safety is worried that an ill-fitting flag can droop down just at the time when you are looking out of a rear side window – maybe when joining a motorway thus obscuring your view. So the 80mph barrelling 40 tonne juggernaut – like something out of the movie ‘Duel’ that you are about to get in the way of is probably driven by Jocky McTavish. He’ll be an English hating Scotsman and will no doubt take a dim view to you getting in his way. The resultant distressing and violent collision will inevitably follow. Who knows, the flag may get damaged as well….

Mr Road-Safety also had concerns that the flag could fall off at high speed and hit someone. Bloody hell yes, I bet that’s lethal – a bit of tat weighing several ounces flying through the air at 70 mph. I’m surprised that the road sides aren’t littered with flag-poleaxed pedestrians…..

Ronnie reckoned that the best and safest thing to do was to take the flag off the window and leave it at home. "Take it off the window and place it on the table in your house, or even in the bin, very, very carefully – then move away very, very slowly"

With such dangerous accoutrements removed from your motor, you’ll be safe to then get in your 0-60 in 6 seconds gti get out of the way, I’m coming through souped up roadster weighing up to a couple of tonnes and hurtle down the motorway at 80…….

Well thanks for that Ron, but are you sure you’re not Scottish, Welsh, Irish – or even French?