A promise……

If Gordon Ramsey ever comes up and bawls his head off, blaspheming and chundering at me just 2 inches from my face, I’ll bloody well lay him out, one punch, an upper cut right on the button – Promise. Then I’ll ram a fish knife in his eye.

There you go Gord’ stick that on your menu yer bullying twat - Michelin Stars are no defence against a nutter with cutlery……..




Postal voting…..

Well hoo-bleeding-ray. John Prescott, some snivelling, servile yes men, some rip-off dodgy printers, Postman Pat and his utterly shite postal non service - and a huge dollop of lady luck have conspired to finally, finally deliver my postal voting slip on Friday. And what a choice. And what a lot of instructions. And what a lot of liberties taken with the British electorate.

I’m not kidding, if my postal vote hadn’t arrived by Saturday morning, I was fully intending to chuck myself under the King’s horse at the Epsom Derby horse race in protest……

But fortunately, the form did arrive and this day has been taken up with reading the instructions on how to deliver said vote successfully. Simplicity itself - not.

‘Alfie the swingometer’ has thought of another and possibly even more simple way of registering my displeasure (is that possible?).. Simply go along to a ‘polling station’ – maybe this could be situated in a local school, possibly? Go into a little booth made of hardboard and curtain with your little slip giving a list of the usual suspects – and plonk a cross against the geezer’s name you least hate. Once done, simply fold it up and slip it into a little black voting box. Now how simple and easy is that? - But I don’t suppose it will ever catch on, it doesn’t involve a load of nosey control freak busy bodies and the organisational skills of a pie eating cretin called John Prescott does it?……




The Big Brother law of diminishing returns…..

I predict that by the year 2010 and the ever increasing need to chase audience figures and invent ever more bizarre ways of titillating the fickle British public, BB will have its first ritual murder. The public will vote on who will be killed next – until everyone, even Davina is totally, totally dead.

Then it will fold - for good. Roll on 2010……