Wednesday, January 28, 2004

The clever money has gone into whitewash......

Oh yes, baby! Alfie the Stag, Bear, Bullfrog, Tadpole or whatever here.

Clever, smug Alfie has made a fortune by investing in 'WHITEWASH CORP PLC'. He saw a potentially huge opportunity in the market, once he realised Lord Hutton was publishing his Report today. So much whitewash would be needed for the Report that a shortage was bound to happen.

Buying at 0.5p and selling, this morning at £28.76p per share means Alfie will never have to work again........

STOP PRESS Panic buying of Whitewash at B&Q Warehouse stores all over the UK. People killed in rush. One disappointed punter said "Oh bloody hell, the whitewash has all gone. Now I'll have to paint our outside bog in 'Alaskan Blue' or 'Magnolia Mist' - but it's a bloody poor substitute for whitewash"....

STOP, STOP PRESS Reaction from around the world on the news that Teflon Tony Blair is innocent .....

Pope John Paul "Isssa miracle. I'ma gonna make him a Saint.... St Tony of Teflonia"

President George W. Bush "Who the God damn is Tony Blair?"

President Chirac "I am very, very 'appy for 'im.... 'Onest"

Chancellor Gordon Brown "Shite!"

The Rev’ skins it again – thanks to his flock…....

Tony Blair, ‘Teflon’ to his mates, ‘Smarmy’ to his enemies and ‘Conniving manipulative ingrate’ to the electorate just managed to get the Top-up fees bill through the lobby by a miserly 5 votes. Alfie the Parliamentary sketch writer has pondered long and hard for a suitably eloquent phrase to sum up this democratic white - knuckle ride…. But he just can’t get past ‘Tony Blair – you totally jammy bastard’

What’s the matter with some of those ‘rebels’ – pathetic! They folded like deflated foldy things in a vacuum…. It reminded me of that great sketch on ‘Spitting Image’. Thatcher and all her sycophantic Cabinet are having a meal in a restaurant. The waiter comes over "I’ll have the Beef" bellows Mrs T.

"And the vegetables?" says the waiter.

"They’ll have the Beef as well"…........

Talk about 'Men or Mice'...... I don't think this Government will be bringing in an extra tax on cheese do you?

Anyway, leading up to the vote, ‘Teflon Tone’ seemed to base most of his argument through this simplistically overworked sound byte illustration of a binman, toiling away …… "Is it fair" asks Tone "Is it fair to expect this binman to fund a medical student through University? I say to you - that it is not fair"…….

Crap argument or what? I mean, I don’t watch Grand Opera - but I’m sure some of my hard earned taxes help fund it – and good luck to them.. However It’s got me thinking a bit. Using the ‘IS IT FAIR’ proposition can be applied to lots and lots of different criteria….

Tone –

Is it fair that I help fund your Prime Ministerial pension scheme of £2.5 million quid – even though I hate your bleeding guts – and the rest of us have to make do with a crumbling, no return nest egg?

Is it fair that I help fund your illegal and imperialistic war adventure to Iraq even though I don’t think you’re mentally competent to be a binman, never mind P.M?

Is it fair that I help fund such brain dead schemes as the Millennium Dome and the new Wembley Stadium, even though I’m vehemently against your South East Centralist agenda?

Is it fair that I help fund vacuous, ill-judged, ‘written on the back of a fag packet’ sound byte initiatives, even though you don’t believe a word you’re saying?

I say to you, "It is not"

STOP PRESS: Latest leak from the Hutton inquiry…..
Shock disclosure – David Kelly linked to ‘ultimate betrayal’.
A government source has confirmed that Kelly – or Mr Iscariot’ as he is now to be known, will be denounced as Pontias Pilot’s chief informer. The source also confirmed that they had found 30 pieces of silver in his piggy bank……

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