Shock News – Noah’s Ark found on Mount Ararat – again….

As sure as lunar eclipses are hidden from view by storm clouds, every few years they find another supposed outline of another supposed Ark plonked on the mountainous slopes of Ararat. Reports at the weekend confirm that scholars are ‘very excited’ about the possibility that "This really is the true Ark"…..

A few years ago, when they’d found a previous massive boat shaped form outlined in stones – a programme was made about it and shown on BBC 2. Learned scholars from around the globe looked at the evidence – and automatically shouted ‘Ark!’ I thought it looked more like a particularly luscious pair of Leslie Ash lips after she’d been to see the plastic surgeon.

The next day in work, I loftily scoffed at such a preposterous proposition as a huge boat, big enough to take every species known to Man. Just then, our secretary walked in.

"Oh yes, that programme on ‘The Ark’ – fantastic. Wasn’t it really, really great? Just think, if it wasn’t for Noah, we wouldn’t have the animals in the world that we have now" she said.

We all drew a collective gasp…"Gasp, gasp, gasp and gasp" .

"Do you really believe in the story? Do you really think that Noah could have gathered two of every species from the entire World – in all its entirety. The time taken to gather them, stopping them fighting, stopping them eating each other, stopping them sitting on and squashing each other and marching them into the Ark – and then keeping them fed? Not to mention the manure – tons and tons of it, by the hour. Have you seen the mess that an elephant makes? I mean, did he save the Woodworm and Deathwatch beetles? – And if he did, wouldn’t they have eaten his boat? And talking about the boat, the size of it – it would have to be absolutely bloody huge Did they have a Judean version of Harland & Wolfe to build it then?"

I can feel myself going purple as this rant has taken so much oxygen out of my system, I’m in danger of collapsing…..

She looked at me, with puzzlement and pity written all over her face – like I was some sort of div or something.

"Well obviously – silly! The Ark would have to be big – as big as an oil tanker because that’s the only way Noah could house two of every animal….

"And Noah obviously didn’t manage to get every animal – that would have been impossible – he only got the ones that are still alive today".

Well that told me then.